Post # 1
After discussing this issue with all my friends and spending countless hours trying to find a solution, I’ve decided to put it out to the universe.
We decided we wanted to take the next step and get engaged back in January 2011. We decided together we wanted to get engaged while he was in Europe when I would come visit him. We knew we would be in Malta where my mom is from and would be so he could ask her permission there and propose in Malta in June 2011. She said no when he asked her permission, and said I was too young (me being 23). He said that in a few months, the end of the summer, he would be proposing and that by then she should have found a way to be okay with it. So in August he asked her permission again, and she said no. So he spent the next hour discussing it with her, and she finally agreed to the engagement but said that we were not to get married or set a date and she knew we were ready to get married. So he proposed the end of August 2011 and it was all happy, and she made a celebration for us.
So then in December 2011 we decided that we wanted to set a date for May 2014 (right before World Cup, what!), figured that’s 2 and a half years from now, my mom should be okay with it and we’d be all settled and she would see that we have a well established routine and that were more than ready. I told her and she’s not happy, saying that she doesn’t want us living modestly when were married, but living comfortably, owning a home and knowing which city we want to settle in, and having a good amount of savings, which we do. She’s divorced so obviously trying to protect me, but probably having trouble letting go too since I’m her only girl with the other two siblings being boys. And I’m the first to be in a relationship. I don’t want to do these ultimatums that ppl suggest – just tell her this how you want it and she’ll have to deal. She puts on a tough front but is very stubborn and sensitive, and pretty unreasonable most of the time. I make good decisions and can take care of myself and I don’t think she’ll ever get that. So what do I do? If she had it her way and she is having it her way – we won’t ever get married. She got upset with my fiance because she thinks he went behind her back and set a date when he ‘said’ he wouldn’t until she was ready.
How do I get her to be okay with the date we set?
Post # 3
@karlos: You want the date two and a half years from now right? I would set that and then wait awhile to book. You probably can’t book that far in advance anyways. Then she might start warming up to the idea.
Post # 4
@karlos: It does sound like she’s having a really hard time letting go.
Is there anything about your Fiance that she dislikes? Or does she just dislike the idea of you getting married?
Could you have a real heart to heart with her about how much you want her to be happy for you and happy she is gaining a son (your FI). Tell her how she is hurting you by not being happy for the two of you and being unwilling to start talking about the wedding.
Maybe if she realizes her actions are hurting and upsetting you (rather than protecting you) maybe she’ll start to come around.
Although, at some point, you may have to get firmer with her and say “I really want you to be fully supportive of Fiance and I and our wedding plans. But if you cannot be, I will sadly have to accept it. I love you and you will always be my mom, but I am an adult now and the time has come for me to marry Fiance. It is breaking my heart that you can’t be happy for us, but I have to move forward with my life.”
Post # 5
I think you just need to stand to her. Instead of asking her for permission. Just tell her, “This is what we decided to do. I hope you will decide to support us.” She will probably come around eventually. This is your life, so you should be in control of it. You don’t need to be confrontational with her, but you should be firm in what you decided
Post # 6
Thanks everyone, we set the date far from now so she would be able to let it sink in but it seems it might do the opposite and she’ll get more and more upset as time goes on. I don’t want to be confrontational, so you’re right, I might just need to be firm. But I don’t want her being upset with me. She said to me that if we have the date set then we’ll for sure get married by that date because that’s what date setting does, and so it is that she really isn’t okay with it and is having trouble letting go. I think that if I just let her say what she needs to say and stay firm that this is the date we set then eventually she’ll get over it. She really has no problem with him and has no reason to be because he’s a huge reason why she and I get along now, but I fear that this date setting business will make her not like him because he ‘went behind her back’.
Post # 8
Part of growing up is making decisions that our parents might not like and sticking by them. If you Mom wasn’t apart of the picture, would you wait that long? It seems like she is going to be upset whether you get married tomorrow, next year or next decade. So make the choice based on what is best for your baby family.
You have to put your baby family first. Obviously you don’t want to be mean or rude, but living your life for your Mom’s comfort level just isn’t good for you or your relationship.
It will be tough, but all growing pains usually are.
Post # 9
I know she is your mom, and moms being moms always want the best for us, but it seems like she is taking away the enjoyment of your engagement. It seems almost like you have to have her validate your enagement in order to start planning. Ultimately this days is your guys’ wedding. It comes down to you two, and she needs to realize your not a little girl, you live your own life and you can’t live walking a fine line of what she wants you to do. That will cause major problems in your relationship. Take a stand and maybe she’ll realize she can’t tell you what to do anymore. It might hurt her, but at some point she’ll realize that your happiness is more important. Don’t give her the option to demand what your wedding plans are.
Post # 10
… if my mom wasn’t a part of the picture we probably would have it done sooner, but not by much. I’ve made decisions she didn’t like in the past but she’s never expressed so much disapproval before, and it completely ruined the engagement and now I can see will ruin the process. I can handle it, but I don’t think I can handle her being upset the same with the fiance, that’s what is really killing me. I just told her recently about the date setting, we talked on the phone and what she said is what I posted. I’ll being seeing her tonight again with fiance – I’ll let you know how it goes….
Post # 11
You’re not marrying your Mom so I wouldn’t worry about it. You are a grown adult that can do as you please.
Post # 12
Yes, and I will do as I please in the end, I just don’t want this to backfire and have him be the victim of our own fight. She approves of him, but in the end after this she might not, creating a whole new area of conflict. So I’m trying to find the best way to do it so her feelings don’t end up targeting him.
Post # 13
Will you guys be financially (and I mean emotionally too) ready to get married sooner if not because of your mom?
Listening to how your mom reacts…I am worried if you guys drag it for years in engagement won’t help the situation and your mom may find more and more “problems” of this relationship and won’t come around.
If you guys are ready lets say by 2013, do it in 2013. I know someone of similar situation as yours. Girl not even graduated from college at the time and the guy, dated a year or so, want to ask permission to marry her once graduated. Of course the parents said no, even though they like the guy. Of course the whole thing blew up as the guy told the girl in tears that the parents disapproved blah blah blah. 6 months after the girl graduated, they got engaged. (without permission this time) The girl had a long talk with mom that she is ready, will become more mature and feel the guy is the right one. Happy ending so far.
You know your mom and you should know why she oppose to the idea. If it’s becasue she feels you are too young. Assure her you are ready and laying out facts why you think it’s a right time to get married with the right person.
Do it firm but nicely. You may upset her but she needs to come around since this is your life. You need to let her know you want her to be a part of your life and particularly in this special event in your life. You want her support.
If it’s your Fiance that she doesn’t like. Talk to her and find out what she doesn’t like (if you don’t know already) and see if you guys can improve the relationship. Then talk about the date later since you are not in a rush.
Also, if this problem involves your Fiance, treat the relationship extra sensitive. You don’t want your mom to get the wrong impression this is all your Fiance idea and he is a bad influence. You want them to have a good relationship too.
Post # 14
Your 23 not 13. You do not need your mothers permission to get married at all.
Heck, my ex TOLD my mom 3 months after we started dating that he was going to marry me. We did get married 3 years later and it lasted 18 years only because I put up with a lot of crap from him for the kids.
Now I am with an awesome guy, that loves me the way I deserve, loves my girls, and the rest of my family as well. I love his family the same and can’t wait for the next 51 days to get over with.
Post # 15
I totally agree with PP, but you didn’t mention how long you’ve been dating. I know that even if my mom liked my SO, if we had dated for less than a year or two (by 23) she would probably be concerned, not that she’s deny permission, but something to consider. I don’t know your situation so… best of luck!
Post # 16
People are right, your mother doesn’t get any say in if or when you get married. This is why we have an age when we turn a “legal adult” and we can decide for ourselves. But, of course it’s important to all of us to feel we have the support of our loved ones when we make those adult decisions.
I don’t think your mum thinks you’re too young. I think she doesn’t want to let her baby go, and she doesn’t know how to deal with it. I read the book “The Conscious Bride” for different reasons, but it did deal with the difficult emotions that come up during engagement, and not always between the couple. For example, a friend of mine had a massive falling out with her best friend a week before her wedding. The friend was still her Maid/Matron of Honor, and they haven’t spoken since the wedding day. Looking back now, I can absolutely see the friend was devastated to be losing her (they’d been inseparable since school) and part of the falling out was almost certainly related to the wedding itself (even though from the surface it looked like it was about something else). I’d recommend reading the book as a way of understanding the complicated emotions your mother might be feeling right now, and why she is acting the way she is.
I would stop discussing the wedding with your mother, for now. If you are truly happy with your 2014 date, stick with it. It’s long enough away that you won’t even need to start booking things for a while yet. You can use that time to show your mother you will always be her daughter, that she is still very important in your life, that it’s not so much she is losing a daughter but gaining a son, and all those things that she is probably worried about. You can have specific conversations about these things, in fact at some point you might start feeling the same way and you could bring it up by saying “part of me is feeling a bit sad to be growing up and having life change, part of me still feels like I’m your little girl.” At some point, you are going to get married and she will have to deal with it, whether it’s in 2014 or 2040, so I’d focus on your relationships right now rather than the practicalities of a wedding, and I’m sure she’ll come around in time. Sorry for the essay. Good luck.