Post # 1
Well this might be a long vent. So to give you some background my mom has alwayyyyyys played favorites and it’s no secret that my middle sister is her favorite and my youngest sister is the one who gets whatever she wants yet always disrespects our parents. My mom and I are very different and have tooootally different tastes in things. When I started planning my wedding she and I disagreed on mostly everything. Now let me tell you that I am pretty easy going but when it comes to mine and my FH wedding, I don’t care what anyone else thinks as long as he and I like it. Well I guess that’s partially true because I still run ideas past my mom and my FH mom. Well instead of responding like my Future Mother-In-Law (FMIL will either toootally agree or kindly suggest a different alternative. If I don’t like what she suggested she goes “ok well we will do what you suggested and I know it’ll be great!) my mom will criticize it and have a straight up attitude problem with it.
My mom never calls me asking how the wedding planning is going she never shares my excitement about the wedding yet my Future Mother-In-Law always does both of those things. My mom will start talking to me about other people I don’t know or people she knows I dislike. For example I told her that her friend, we’ll name her Anne, isn’t bringing a guest. I told her that the only people who get “and guest” or their name and their SO’s name on the invite, are people who are in serious long term relationships. She said “That’s rude. Ettiquete says you have to give them a plus one” I said “No actually it doesn’t and Idk what year you are living in but it’s 2010 and A LOT of brides choose to go the same route as me and FH.” She said “Ok well at least invite [Insert youngest daughters name] so then Anne will have a guest.” I was like “No because then I’ll have to invite [Insert her oldest daughters name] and I don’t like her and she doesn’t even know FH. Besides it’s not like Anne won’t know every single person invited, she won’t be lonely.” So my mom goes “Oh well don’t worry about [Insert oldest daughters name] coming because she’ll be planning her wedding for next year!” Now you know when someone tells you about something/someone like you know what they’re talking about? Ok now do you know how that situation can be different?..Like they only pretend to assume you know who they’re talking about just so you’ll ask them about it? That’s exactly how she told me about the daughters engagement. She’s always been overly fond about this particular child too. So of course I was going to let it go because I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of asking about [Insert Anne’s oldest daughers name] engagement but it had me curious considering this girl is very trashy and in my opinion too young to get married anyway. I asked though. Well my mom goes “It’s really a sweet story! Soo romantic! Let me tell you..so this is how they met….” I was like “Ohh do they even have a date set? Was it a legit proposal Or are they just planning this wedding?” She said “Oh they’re planning on getting married at the end of 2011 or maybe start of 2012.” Then she talked a little more about them and I didn’t really listen. Ahh.
My huge problem is the ONLY time my mom everrr comments about the wedding is to COMPLAIN or make requests. She never says “Oh that sounds nice! That’ll be great.” She even had the nerve to tell me that we are looking to spend too much money on the wedding and I am too high maintenance. Whaaaat? First of all our budget is $6000 for 25-30 people. We aren’t getting a DJ(I let that one go and opted for an ipod reception) I have spent countless hours looking for an affordable photog and officiant. I have done the same for every other aspect of our wedding too. I don’t pick the best of the best. Keep in mind I live in SoCal where everything tends to carry a high price tag. When I told her about my hotel search in La Jolla CA(if you know anything about La Jolla, which she does, it’s very expensive and upper-end) she was like “Well [Insert my name] not everyone has that kind of money. You have to find hotels for lower prices than that…blah blah blah” Umm I found hotels as low as $109 and as much as $129 a night..IN LA JOLLA CALIFORNIA!! That’s pretty damn good especially since they’re within walking distance of the ceremony location, the beach and the restaurant where the reception is. She’s the biggest cheap skate ever (just like my dad) yet she has Coach purses, expensive shoes, goes shopping all the time(for herself AND my sisters), my dad has the best of the best when it comes to electronics. When it comes to me or spending money on things for me it’s toooo much to ask. She contradicts herself a lot too because when FH and I first got engaged she was talking wedding plans with me yet since FH and I got married (civil in the courthouse, he’s in the military and was going to deploy so we had to for obvious reasons) she has tried to avoid wedding convo and even made the comment “Oh you’re still planning on the wedding? Damn I was hoping since you already got married you wouldn’t want to spend the money on a wedding.” She expects us to have the same 1986 $800 wedding at her sisters house, that she had.
The other thing is my Future Mother-In-Law and I have a GREAT relationship. My mom and dad’s family aren’t close and some aren’t even friendly. My mom and her in-laws hate each other. I think my mom gets jealous about Future Mother-In-Law and I because whenever I bring her up or things she’s done for me/us my moms tone changes and she has something to say about it. So I haven’t even told her about all the things that Future Mother-In-Law has done and plan on doing for us because then my moms reaction will be “Oh ok then she doesn’t need us to help pay for anything” and then when she meets Future Mother-In-Law I KNOW my mother, she’ll be bitchy towards her. Ugghh sorry this was so long. I’ll understand if no one has anything to say. Just maybe reassure me that I’m not the only person with a less than perfect relationship with their mom. 🙁
Post # 3
You’re not the only one. My mother has not once brought up the topic of the wedding, let alone my father. If I bring it up, she’ll sort of talk about it, but other than that it’s all about my little sister and her recent split with her boyfriend. It really has me down, too; I feel like my parents don’t really care about the wedding. When I told her we were getting married, her first response was, “Are you sure?” and it’s been downhill from there. And they really like FH! I’ve just decided to give up and only put the bare minimum details on her and the rest of the family. They don’t seem to care, and that’s OK. My little sister always has some kind of drama going on, so she needs their support, which I understand. But that doesn’t always make it feel any better.
Post # 4
you are not alone. and i’m sorry you have to endure that.
i love my mom to bits, but sometimes she gets like that. she lies, lets me down all the time, and is always just a little bit tipsy, to the point where i just ignore over half of what she says.
that’s why i think it’s important to have someone else there who can take on the role of whatever you’re not getting. for me, if i have a serious question i ask my step mom because she’s got a good head on her shoulder, and doesn’t judge.
i’m so happy for you that you have a good relationship with your Future Mother-In-Law, because at least there’s someone there for you if you need an escape.
my advice would just be to let whatever your mom says go in ear and out the other. maybe even ask questions you know she wants to hear and just let her talk. in the end, do it your way, because it’s your day.
it’s not ideal but it works for me so it’s the best i’ve got.
Post # 5
Aww I’m sorry 🙁 I know it’s def a bummer when your parents focus their attention on one particular child forgetting the others. Oh and yes my mom and dad LOVE FH!! So it has nothing to do with that…my mom and I have always been on rocky terms.
Post # 6
thank you ceamoste! i’m glad you have someone to talk to also, it means a lot for a girl to have someone a little bit older with good advice to talk to!
Post # 7
That is a bummer! I really feel for you!!
Your situation is similar to my husband & his mothers relationship (I know its not the same as a bride & her mom, but of course it still hurts any child not to have a good & supportive relationship from their own mother.)
Well throughout the entire engagement & planning process. My husbands parents were nothing but negative & seemed mad that they whole wedding was even happening. Yes, part of it is because his mom doesn’t like me, but the whole drama was mainly because my husband and her don’t have a good relationship. It broke my heart when my husband told me that “he feels more love and warmth from my mom over his own” it made me want to cry hearing this!
Overall his parents caused all the stress & drama over the wedding. Which made it worse that his dad teamed up with his mom. One of the worst parts was that at the wedding his dad comes up to me and tells me “we are going to go ahead and take off!!!!” THE GROOMS PARENTS WANTED TO LEAVE THE WEDDING EARLY??!!!! I couldn’t believe them! Nobody was ill & nothing was wrong! When they told my husband they were leaving he got so upset! He basically guilted them into staying only to have them go into another room and watch baseball till the end of the wedding! It makes me so mad because they are so selfish that they didn’t even consider that leaving their own sons wedding would really hurt him!!
So, no, don’t worry! There are others with very dysfunctional relationships with their moms/parents 🙁
Post # 8
Aww I’m sorry to hear that. Have you expressed your feelings to your mom about this. I say if she continues acting this way than stop bringing up wedding stuff to her. She is the one that is going ot lose out and it’s unfortunate for you both. I hope she comes around!
Post # 9
@annie- oh my gosh!! how horrible! 🙁 i wonder why they don’t like you?? ugh well its clearly their loss. how sad for your hubby though 🙁 it really does suck when you want a relationship with them so bad and they just don’t care or realize it.
@kiki thank you! 🙂 i’ll probably just do just that, stop bringing wedding stuff up to her.
Post # 10
I am getting married in 10 months, and I have had the same reation from my mom. She was very excited when my fiance asked permission to propose to me, but since then, every idea I came up with was a no go with her. Mom told me to “plan my wedding as if I was paying for it”- I’m a student, so obviously we’re not goin to have the most extravegant wedding. When i told my mom what date we were thinking, so said “why not a winter wedding it’s cheaper”. Then, when I told her we waited to long to pick a place that we wanted and they didn’t have the date that we wanted, so we changed dates, mom compltely spazzed and says “you didn’t even ask if it suits us”. Isn’t a wedding about us, not what suits them? it’s a year away for F sakes! we’re having a friday wedding, and again mom says “oh why would you do that? it’s so inconvenient to people including me”. I am now keeping her out of the loop of my wedding. I am tired of hearing her negativity, especially when my fiances parents love me and are helping us pay for the wedding- they told us how much they are giving us, and told us that if we need more, they are more than honoured to help out-especially since my fmil isn’t too thrilled that my mom isn’t helping out at all with this wedding.
Post # 11
I wanted to respond to what you wrote about the parents of the groom who left the wedding early.
When I received my Master’s degree (which I paid for myself, and i should mention was two of the most arduous, pain-staking years of my life), my mom and her new boyfriend insisted that we leave my graduate programs graduation party (a really pretty, formal affair) several hours early. The reason? So she and her boyfriend could get a head start on their tour of vineyards they had planned the next day. My boyfriend at the time and I had planned a wine and cheese thing at my house, but my mom insisted that everyone was “too tired.” A lot of wine, cheese and salami in my fridge while I cried in anger for about 3 hours.
I later learned that my mom’s boyfriend (now her husband) was feeling insecure because his company had been bought, and people with my degree might be taking over his department. Well, still a lame excuse.
I’m getting married this spring, and reading this made me realize that, unfortunately, this is exactly the weird, passive-aggressive, devaluing thing that my mom might just do. It would drive me totally nuts. And it really, really is possible. She hates it when the focus is on someone else. She really needs to be in control or she gets “bored.”
thanks for writing about this. It really helps to know other people deal with this too and i am not totally alone in this weirdness.