(Closed) My Mom's A Real Peach – Just Venting

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee

I cut my mom out of my life years ago, aside from holidays time to time if she is around, and we keep it cordial.  If she doesn’t, I end the conversation.

I suggest you do the same.

It will never be an easy task.  It is the emotional equivalent of jumping out of a plane without a parachute.  You really just have to do it, stick to your guns, and work through it.  You have the power to block her number, facebook, and call the cops if she shows up at your house.  I know that last bit sounds extreme, but my mother used to physically harass me when I was younger (Now I live across the country, and she has accepted that we cut ties, so it’s not a big issue anymore), and I’m not sure how extreme your mother would get.

It’s NOT easier to keep talking with her to avoid conflict.  I promise.  At first it might be, but after a while, she will either accept it (and possibly apologize), or she won’t and continue to be a miserable human being.  Either way, it’s for the better that you rid yourself of this woman.

Getting pregnant and popping a baby out doesn’t give someone the “right” to be in your life.  It doesn’t mean you are morally obligated to keep them in your life.  Just remember this when you are feeling weak.

Whatever you do, don’t be nasty about any interactions with your mother.  If she was anythign like mine, it was the reaction they are after.  My mother is quite literally addicted to drama and pain (which explains her relationship with physically and emotionally abusive men, time and time again).  It took me a while, but as I got older, I learned that walking away/hanging up/ignoring is often the best bet.  You cannot reason with unreasonable people, and you waste a lot of energy trying.

I know you weren’t looking for advice, so feel free to ignore, but I can’t stand seeing people get walked on.

Post # 17
Member
836 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Cut out that cancerous raging bitch now. Are you willing to wait and see just how poorly she treats your kids? She will see them as his kids, not yours and put them through hell. I’m very sorry.

Post # 18
Member
4854 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yeahhhh I had to cut my mom out of my life for being abusuve too. I read about narccistic mothers and found it to ring very true. Your mom has the emotional vampire thing going on for sure. You may want to read up on narc moms. 

http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

Post # 20
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

zeus:  Girl, get thee over to captainawkward.com. She has great advice for setting up and enforcing boundaries with toxic parents and the commenting community is super supportive.

Post # 21
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

 

zeus:  I feel what you are going through.   My mom is like this also, emotionally abusive.  Conversations with her are draining and leave me feeling so stressed.   She hasn’t always been this way though.  It started a couple years ago when she did not approve of my brother’s fiance.  I didn’t want to be put in the middle and she still resents I didn’t take her side (but won’t admit this)

I’d like to cut her out of my life, but I would feel guilty because she is my mom.  I also feel bad for my dad and want to have a relationship with him (they are still married).  My brother and his wife haven’t spoken to them in over a year.  I feel kind of jealous they don’t have to deal with my mom.

I talk to my parents on the phone every other weekend and only when they are both on the phone, then we have a normal conversation and my mom isn’t nasty.  I never call only her.  She turns the conversation into being all about her and how I am a horrible daughter.  We see them every couple months.  Actually on the way over there now.

Thanks for the links.  I’ll read them later.

Post # 22
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee

She would not be invited to my wedding.I wouldn’t care if she was my own mother.She would be completely cut off…like seriously.

Post # 23
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I read every word you wrote with lots of concern.  I know you just wanted to vent and did not ask for advice.  BUT! (of course… a bee can not help herself in the advice department…..)

She sounds disturbed.  I know deep within you she is still your “mommy” and you want and need a mommy.  It’s a hard long process to finally realize that SHE is not your mother in many way.  She never been a mother to you.  

I feel very very sad for you.  We need our mothers the most during this special time of engagement and wedding planning.  I’m really sorry.  (hugs)

She is someone you can not trust.  When I read, in the beginning, she was doing the cake and flowers… I thought oh no… at the last minute, this girl will not have a cake, nor flowers at her wedding.  I’m so glad to read that she is doing neither now.  Keep it like that.

You KNOW she’s going to make your wedding day all about her.  She is going to do something to ruin it for you.  You do realize that don’t you?  I am not sure about uninviting her because I think that will cause you more trouble.  I would, if possible, ask a family member who cares about you and knows the situation, to be your mother’s invisible body guard at the wedding.  Just ask if they could keep an eye on her and talk to her from time to time.  Maybe this person could de-fuse her before she hauls off and ruins things for you.

Now you already know that your husband-to-be is a total Doll to put up with all this and be so caring and understanding.  It is wonderful he is respectful to her, even though not deserved, because that way she will not have more fuel to her fire.  

You are going to go on and be the exact opposite of her in your life.  You are not going to ruin the time you have with your new husband by being sad about this Mother Situation.  You are not going to talk about it, or cry about it, and not go on and on about it.   Because your dear husband will have to live with that.  Do you want to do that with him?

After your wedding, have a sit down with your mother and tell her you are done.  Do not accept her calls, let her in the house, nothing.  It is hard to say goodbye, especially to someone we needed as our mother, but you have to to lead a happy life.

Post # 24
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

zeus:  Sounds like my mother.  I cut off contact.  She knows I’m getting married, but I didn’t invite her.  (Someone else told her I’m getting married.)

Post # 25
Member
4854 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

zeus:  there’s a book called “will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narccistic mothers”. Changed my life. Highly recommend picking up a copy. 

Post # 26
Member
4820 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

zeus:   Please google “daughters of narcissistic mothers.”  You will find a few web sites with coping techniques and support forums.  The information I have found there has helped me enormously.  For me, saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” in a perfectly FLAT tone of voice (as if I wasn’t really listening to what she said) and then either walking away or changing the topic has helped.

Wishing you strength.  

Post # 27
Member
756 posts
Busy bee

zeus:  That does make sense. I think now though the drama of allowing her contact is outweighing the drama of not.

If I were in your shoes I would break all contact. Easier said than done though. I wish you all the luck in the world in dealing with this.

Post # 29
Member
2664 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

zeus:  She’s a narcissistic bitch. I’m really sorry you have to call her your mother. Just distance yourself. She’s not a Mum, she’s just someone with whom you will occasionally have to cross paths. Most importantly, please remember that her mental state bears no reflection on you whatsoever.

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