(Closed) My mother disowned me – but wants to be apart of the ceremony

posted 8 years ago in Family
  • poll: What do I do with my mother?
    Invite her as guest, don't add her to program as MOB : (41 votes)
    76 %
    Invite her as guest, add her to program as MOB : (8 votes)
    15 %
    Include her in ceremony, don't give her a rose : (0 votes)
    Include her in ceremony, give her a rose, seat her in front row : (3 votes)
    6 %
    Other : (2 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    3125 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    I checked invite her, but don’t add her to the program. In a recent post, I said to invite the significant other, too. But for your mom and your situation? Invite your mother and don’t include him on the invitation, and do not include her in the program. But, only include people that are in the ceremony in the program so that it’s not just a slight against her. Have her sit on your side but not at the front, since the people in the front row typically help out with the ceremony. If she can’t keep from making a scene in this situation I would consider not even inviting her.

    If someone tries to molest you, or disowns you (more than once!!) they don’t deserve your time. You’re being generous by inviting her to the wedding after all of the drama she is creating! That’s my perspective at least. I’m in the camp that thinks that just b/c someone is family doesn’t give them free reign to behave horribly with you w/ no recourse.


    Post # 4
    2201 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I would send her an invitation, and when she RSVPs, give her a call and let her know the plan for the day (including your aunt’s role). That way it won’t be a surprise and if she wants to have a tantrum or not attend, she can do that ahead of time and not on your wedding day.

    Post # 6
    690 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I’m just curious- If she disowned you, why is she invited at all?

    Post # 8
    406 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    Invite her.  Seat her.  If you feel charitable, give her a corsage to wear.  Don’t have her participate in the ceremony- don’t call someone else the MOB.  Keep everything drama free for the sake of your daughter and the beauty of your day.  I don’t see why her name needs to be printed on anything either… the only way my name will get to be on any programs for my daughter is if I handle the printing.  I take it that she hasn’t been involved in the planning or in financing anything- but honor her in the most basic ways- it will reflect well on you, and your daughter will remember it.

    Post # 11
    1426 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    I think you need to sit down with her (and just her) and talk about how the day will go.  She obviously knows that your relationship has been bad in the past, so it’s not like this should be a surprise to her.  But I would tell her something like “mom, you know we have had our troubles in the past, and you know that I want to rebuild our relationship.  However this is going to take time and effort on both our parts.  I would love for you to come to my wedding- I think this would be a big step towards getting us back on the right track with our relationship.  However I think that, because of where we are now, it would be best if you attended as a guest, rather than acting in the traditional “hostess” role.  I don’t want you to be surprised on the day of when you see Aunt Sue preforming that role for me.  I really want this all to go well and for this to be a step toward restoring our relationship, but I think we also need to take it slow.”  

    If you say it calmly and put the most positive spin on it as possible, it should help her accept it.  I wouldn’t mention her not acting as the MOB because even if that’s the truth, it will sound really harsh to her, you know?  That’s why I used the term “hostess”.

    Good luck and I hope all this works out for you…

    Post # 12
    837 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Invite and seat her as a guest.  She isn’t a “parent” figure in your life so I see no reason to have her be an actual part of the ceremony.  When she asks what to wear just say, “oh the dress is casual/semi-formal/black tie” (or whatever the case may be.  Good luck!

    Post # 13
    142 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I would say invite her but the role is already filled.  I wouldn’t allow her to be apart of the wedding party just because others are watching. Allow her to show up and be a guest like everyone else.

    Post # 14
    690 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    If I were in your shoes, just going by what you have written here- when she asks about why you haven’t included her in any of these things or invited her, I would have responded “You disowned me, so you gave up the privilege to take part in my weddin, the planning, and being the MOB. That was your decision and you made it. I am sorry if you now regret your decision, but what’s done is done.” Noone so heartless as to disown her own daughter would ever be allowed back in MY life. She forfeited her right to your consideration and compassion and she damn well better realize what a warm and giving person you are tp even allow her to attend.

    Post # 15
    577 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    you poor girl … I second the suggestion that your stepfather not be allowed in the wedding – especially if you have a little girl! 

    Post # 16
    98 posts
    Worker bee

    You may also want to find out if she thinks she’s going to be in the formal pictures.  This could also cause drama if you have your aunt and uncle in pictures instead of her.

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