(Closed) My mother doesn’t want me to marry him

posted 9 years ago in Christian
Post # 17
Member
232 posts
Helper bee

When I told my parents I was thinking of moving in with my Boyfriend or Best Friend they were not happy.  He is Agnostic and they really do not think that two people can have a relationship if they do not share a faith (I’m Catholic).

Listen to what your mom is saying, honestly listen.  If she makes good points, then take that into consideration.  If she is blowing things out of proportion, then take it with a grain of salt.

Ultimately we here don’t know your relationship (because you haven’t described much of it at all) and can’t tell you whether you are ready to get married.

Post # 18
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

How is your boyfriend marriage-worthy?  What did you say to your mother about that? 

Just because his parents gave your brother a car doesn’t mean they’re not messed up.  I’m not saying they’re messed up … just saying that giving your brother a car proves nothing about how messed up on not messed up they are. 

 

Post # 19
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

1) You guys are being really harsh about her fairly innocuous comments about religion.  I can’t quite figure out what you’re so pissed about.

2) She’s not that young.  She’s 23.  The ageism on this site is astounding.  If you believe someone is too immature to be getting married, that’s one thing–but you should stop automatically assuming that people below an arbitrary age (of your designation) are “too young.” 

3) To the OP: I’m really sorry.  If my parents had not supported by impending marriage, I would have been heartbroken.  It seems to me that there must be something else going on here.  I would talk to your mom again (maybe write a letter?  Handwritten letters give you a chance to show how sincere you are and also let you really organize your thoughts.) and let her know how upset you are that she’s not supporting this relationship.  Tell her all the things that you love about your SO and why you want to marry him.  Tell her that you are going to make an effort to have him spend more time with her so that she can get to know him better (it’s really important that your SO be on board with this).  And then, give her some time.  Finding out that you’re planning to get married might have been a surprise to her, and some parents have a hard time letting go.  Once you’ve given her some time, talk to her again.  Always, always remain calm.  Let her see how well you handle yourself and how ready you are for this next step.  

I can’t really speak to the religious issues, because I’m not a religious person.  I hope that you can work those out too, so that she respects your choice of a church.  I wish you a lot of luck.

Post # 20
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I would firstly ask yourself whether your mother is a sane, loving, good-meaning person or not.  Does she tend to be overly critical of others or is she fairly reasonable?  If she is sane and reasonable most of the time, I would truly listen to her and talk to her very openly about the things she is saying. 

I would also ask her openly about her thoughts on the religion part you mention without becoming defensive and rebutting. 

Definitely do NOT discuss it with your man as it would wreck a potentially good relationship they may have in the future.  He will never forget her words and is likely to dislike her forever. 

I would also get a second opinion from perhaps a good friend who will be truthful or the Minister.  Sometimes when in love we don’t see things that others do.  You have to be prepared to listen.  Follow your head after you’ve discussed it rather than your heart.

 

Post # 21
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

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@mrsmdphd: Very well said!!

Post # 23
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think you need to ask her again exactly what she has a problem with. Your expectations of a husband do not need to meet hers – but she may feel that way. Try to have a calm conversation with her, if you get emotional it may fuel her thoughts that you are too young, or brainwashed, or whatever. Ask her if she might just be scared to lose her daughter? If you are still religious, tell her that you have faith and are comfortable in your faith, she may feel offended that Catholicism wasn’t good enough for you but we all have to make our own path. Tell her you love her but that you know in your heart this is right for you, that he is right for you. Many couples go through this, you are not the only one. Sometimes it takes some parents longer to deal with it than others, just let your mother know that you will always be there for her and that she shouldn’t be worried because you are happy and you wish she was happy for you.

 

 

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@LacrosseBride: You don’t seem to have a very christian attitude. This girl is genuinely asking for help.

Post # 25
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree with PPs that you need to really sit down and listen to your mom’s concerns about the relationship. She may point out things that are valid, and that need to be discussed with your better half. Let her know that you respect all that she has to say, even if you disagree on some of the concerns or objectives she has for this potential marriage. Talk to her with an open heart and open ears, taking in what she says and then calmly discussing your point of view. Ask her to listen just as you have, and maybe help you find some ways to ease her concerns.  However, I do not agree that you are too young at the moment. I believe that if as long as you are old enough to make such a life decision (…if you are 16 and think you are ready for such a commitment, you may want to just wait patiently until you really can support yourself and your other half before walking down that aisle), and are able to be independent (financially as well as emotionally) from your family, then you are mature enough to be married. I am 21 and will be 23 when my Fiance (he will be 24) and I tie the knot; we BOTH are mature enough to make this lifetime commitment or covenant with one another, despite the “too young” stereotype many throw us 20-25 year old brides into.

Post # 26
Member
1391 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

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@mrsmdphd: so glad you stepped in. WTH? and I totally agree on the age thing. It’s not like the “young” people post saying well you are just OLD to get married. I don’t get it

 

OP: I am sorry you are dealing with this. Can you sit down with your mom with your dad and you all 3 can talk?

Post # 27
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

View original reply
@missrandirobot: I would have a discussion with both parents and hope for some understanding.  I would hope that the parent who was on my side would help to offer information that would support me.  

Not ganging up on the mother, but having another voice of support there.   

Post # 29
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

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@missrandirobot: I asked because I thought maybe the way you put it could be improved upon so you could “win” your case.  But, if you don’t want answer what you said and don’t want advice on how to better “sell” your case to your mother, then I can’t help. 

I am trying to figure out why your mom doesn’t feel he’s marriage material because you weren’t clear on it.  If I knew what you said to your mom, maybe I could help.
 

Post # 30
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

View original reply
@LacrosseBride:Maybe add a smile, or something…you do sound a bit harsh, which I am pretty sure is not your intention (hoping it is not). I Do think, however, that she should explain to her mom why she loves this man, why she wants a life with him, and what makes him stand out above the rest. I had to sit down with my dad and basically tell him ALL the great things about Fiance and why I am in love with his heart and soul, not with just the idea of a marriage, a wedding, and the idea of being in love. So maybe that is where you are coming from…?

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