(Closed) My mother doesn’t want me to marry him

posted 9 years ago in Christian
Post # 47
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

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@missrandirobot: 😀 I am really the most bitter person ever LOL just ask Fiance

And yep, all I ever want is for my parents to be proud, and I find myself regressing back a little bit when I’m in their presence, or even on the phone I just let them do all the talking and I used to ask them for advice on EVERYTHING before Fiance told me to start making decisions for myself and with him. Now I think my dad is a little bummed that I don’t go to him with everything aww 🙂

Post # 48
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

First off, I certainly do not think you will follow in your parents pattern.  That wasn’t my point of asking your parents age when they got married. 

My point was that, with your parents getting married at 23 and divorced after a short marriage, I think your mother is looking at what she went through and is afraid that it could happen for you.  More importantly, she doesn’t want that to happen to you.   She doesn’t want to see you hurt like she was. 

I think that your mother can’t look past her own situation at your age.  She looks at you and sees herself and all that she missed out on because seh married young.  She probably wants you to get a job, experience life, have fun, travel, etc.  and not get “strapped down”.  It’s just her wanting what she didn’t have for you.  I am in no way saying that you’re getting strapped down or will have regrets.  It’s just that your mother probably has regrets and it’s coming through in her reaction towards you wanting to get married.

You need a very strong “defense”.  You need to be able to tell her exactly how your boyfriend is marriage material and why/how he’s better than the other guys you dated.  I think that your mother put down your other boyfriends because she didn’t want you to get married quickly.  She wanted “more” (her version of more) for you. 

Every parent wants better for their kids.  She probably feels her early marriage wasn’t the best decision and doesn’t want you to “follow in her footsteps” and make a decision you will later regret. 

I am NOT saying you will regret getting married at 23.  But your mother is just proejcting her life/experiences onto you!  I hope this makes sense? 

 

Post # 51
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

When I read this post, I just had to comment on it, because it sounds very familiar to my situation. When my fiance and I got engaged, my father was for it and my mother was against it. Then, as soon as we picked a date, my father changed his mind. I think that having a concrete date made it more real, and maybe he was expecting us to wait more and have a longer engagement, particularly because both my fiance and I are in medical school. But anyway, the same day that I got engaged, my mother started a huge fight with me the minute I got home. It was terrible, and we both said things that shouldn’t have been said. In retrospect, we were both too emotional that day and should have waited to cool down before speaking, but hindsight’s 20/20 right? Since then, things have never quite been the same. There have been more arguments, my parents have said some horrible things to both myself and my fiance, and my mother has entered into outright competition with my Future Mother-In-Law, trying to prove that she’s the better mother. It’s been devastating and embarrassing. The one bright spot in all this is that my fiance and I have pulled together in a way that gives me a lot of hope for the future.

Recently, things have gotten a little better, in the sense that there haven’t been anymore big battles. I’ve talked to my parents, both one at a time and together. My fiance and I have spoken with them together. And finally, my parents told us their true fears instead of just throwing out hurtful words. They worry about our financial situation, because we’re still in medical school. They worry that a wedding will distract us from school. They worry about religion, because I’m Catholic and my fiance is Protestant, and about how we will raise our children and practice our faith in a way that is respectful of our differences. They worry about my future in-laws, because my fiance has a very large tight-knit family, and my parents fear that I will become closer to them than to my own family. And most of all, they want me to be sure of my choice and not be blinded by wedding planning, because I don’t believe in divorce, and this marriage will be for life. After all these conversations, I understand my parents much better than I used to, and it’s helped me to be a lot calmer when we disagree. And I’m also better able to reassure them and help calm their fears. However, my parents have always been fearful people in general. They worry so much about the future, even about things they cannot hope to change, and it’s always caused them a lot of anxiety. So I realize that there will still be bumps in the road.

As for telling your boyfriend- don’t. As someone said earlier, it may ruin any hope of a good relationship between them in the future. I know that my fiance really struggles when we spend time with my parents, mostly because he’s heard some of the things they said to me and saw how sad they made me feel. If you want them to like each other, or at least get alone, it’s best to work this out privately with your mother as much as possible. If you need to tell him something, or if he notices you’re upset, just explain that your mother has some concerns about you getting married, but that you’ll talk to her and try to figure it out.

I hope that you will see from my story that it is better to talk to your mother now and not let her worries grow. I understood from your original post that you’re not engaged yet? That’s a good thing. Trust me, you want to get this resolved before you get engaged, so that you can enjoy that time and the wedding planning as much as possible, without all the tension from your mother. Try to get to the root of her fears. Then explain why you love your boyfriend and why you think he will make a good husband for you. Even if you don’t completely change her mind, at least she will see that you are handling the situation like a responsible, reasonable adult, and that can only help you. Don’t let this ruin your relationship with her. My situation almost destroyed my respect for my parents, and I feared it would ruin my relationship with my parents. It’s the most horrible feeling in the world. You have time to work this out. Do your best, and pray for wisdom, strength and an open mind. When you’re anxious or fearful, look to the Bible for help. The Psalms especially did wonders for me. And most importantly, keep your chin up! You’re not alone, and with God’s help, you can get through this.

Post # 52
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

How much time has your mother spent with your boyfriend?  Aside from the holiday visits and coming around when your brother is in town?  Maybe your boyfriend needs to come over and make an attempt to “win” your mother over?

Post # 53
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@missrandirobot:Hmm…I do think that it would be hurtful, gah it really would be! I meant talk to your boyfriend in a way that kind of allows you to gain answers to your mother’s objections. Like, for instance, if a mom objected to a couple’s religious differences, he or she would ask their other half “How do you think we could incorporate each other’s differences in way(s) that will include both families?” or “What do you think would be the best route to raise our kids?” etc. However, if this just doesn’t seem to really cut it in your situation, I don’t think I would tell your guy…especially since it may harm any chance of a good relationship growing. On the other hand, maybe your boyfriend can take her out to lunch, and maybe explain to her why He wants to marry YOU, what makes YOU stand out, etc.

Post # 54
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@LacrosseBride:Smileagree! lol you made some pretty good observations and points my dear! Parents are there to protect, provide, and want better for their children. Although sometimes, they need to just let go and allow their grown up children to live grown up lives, even if it is tough. But again, I agree with you!

Post # 57
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@missrandirobot: I’m so glad I could help! It’s tough, but you seem like you want to do things right with your boyfriend and your mom, and having that good attitude is the first step. Just hang in there!

Post # 58
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

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@mrsmdphd:how in the world are you claiming ageism? that’s ridiculous.

i am the first person who replied and told OP she’s young. she is! the average marriage age in many parts of the country for women is upper 20’s. and it’s not ageism — i’m the same age she is. her mom may very well think she’s too young to get married, and that’s a valid point of concern. i know my parents had the same concern initially, and that is why i posted that she’s young.

please tell me where anyone said “you’re too young to get married.” people were merely trying to find explanations for her mother’s behavior. 

Post # 59
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

honestly I would pray about it. I agree that you have to honor your parents in the Lord and the Bible does say that. I kinda understand your mom thinking you’re brainwashed. I am Christian(non-denominational) as well and my husband came from a Catholic background. All the Bible talks about that is to not be unequally yoked. If he’s christian and you’re catholic it doesn’t matter because you both have Jesus Christ in common so you’re fine there. If you’re close to your mom, which it sounds like you are, I agree on the letter writing thing so you can express yourself to her without being interrupted. Sometimes our parents see things that we may not, it happened to me with a christian boy I wanted to marry and my mother was against it. I prayed and cried and prayed and cried some more, till everything just worked itself out and I realised he definitely wasn’t the one for me. So instead of fighting with your mom and putting a time frame on when you guys should take this next step, take some time to pray about it with your boyfriend and maybe he could give himself a chance if he talks to your mom himself and give her vaild points as to why she should trust your decision

Post # 60
Member
3756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@missrandirobot: My mother was trying to talk me out of getting married for a while but that was only because she thought i was making the same mistakes as her. I am very sorry you are going through this =( I do not agree that you are too young, age has nothing to do with it. I will be barely 18 when I get married. I know this is where God is leading me so this is where I am going. Just because you are “young” doesn’t mean your marriage will be any less special than anyone else’s. My advice is to pray about it. If this is what you feel GOD wants you to do then that is what you should do. You are old enough to make your own decisions =) 

Post # 61
Member
627 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would avoid bringing up religion with your mom. It’s not worth it. Stick to the facts: why he will be a good husband, the future life you are building. If she keeps insisting your faith is blinding you or whatever, politely tell her that religion is not the subject of the conversation.

Sometimes I think the “brainwashing” comments come from the fact when someone has convert’s glee, they tend to be a bit overwhelming to other people. One of my ex’s had just converted to Catholicism when I met him and he was all Jesus, all the time. It was exhausting and I’m Catholic as well. I had to remind him constantly he didn’t need to evangelize me. 🙂

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