Post # 1
Help… I need to have a conversation and I have no idea how to put this lightly… and here is the situation.
My husbands mom is one of those “will do anything for anyone ever any time, like wake up at 2am and walk a thousand miles to help you” which is AMAZING and I’m so thankful to have someone like that. She loves me like I swear more than my own mother. When you are with her though, she monoplolizes conversations and talks literally so fast and will change conversations multiple times in her chattering. I end up getting my head all spinny and exhausted trying to keep up. That is not sometimes – that is ALL the time ALLLLLLLLL THE TIME. If she “pops over” to bring us food it ends up taking her 45 minutes to leave because she just KEEPS TALKING. She lives a 5 minute walk away so she always finds examples to bring over food and hey I love food… but I dont want to stand there at the door for an hour chatting…. people have busy lives!! Also, she is like do you want to come over once a week to do this or that… AND tomorrow to make a christmas box with me and so and so… and can I bring over food?? Like yesterday there was a family lunch so I had just spent 5 hours with her and I was about the leave and she is like “OK so I’ll pop over in a bit…” and I was like WHA???? apparently she wanted to bring over food so I was like uh…. um…. a……….. its my relax time… by myself…………. ,/aghaskghaksjgirq3higjlsa/mgALD?>?SA?????? I am at my wits end she texts me constantly. I just want it to be how it is with my own mom… I only get together with her when I myself contact HER. There is no clingy needy desperation to see me from my own mother. I am feeling claustrophobic here. But see its hard! She is so nice and sweet but its just TOO MUCH. How do I communicate that I’m feeling smothered and she needs to back off? I had my husband try to set some boundaries like “don’t come over unless you call”, but its clear I need to have a conversation with her. If she just backed the F off I would have no problems with her what so ever. What should I say? It’s like those little kids who love a little puppy SOOOO much that they squeeze it too hard and it’s head pops off. The child is well intentioned and full of love… but its not healthy for puppy!!
Post # 2
any hope of moving any time soon? I think being a 45 min or so drive away might be a good idea.
Post # 3
Maybe you need to find her a hobby or friends to occupy her time. She sounds like a big-hearted, generous person who just doesn’t understand your boundaries. She should be involved with charities or volunteering.
Post # 4
I’m not saying this doesn’t suck, it does but think of it this way: There are those of us that have to deal with a Mother-In-Law that hates us with a passion! So I kind of envy you in that sense.
Anyway, if she loves you so much talking with her will help. You can sit down with her and say ‘MIL I love you so much and I love spending time with you but Darling Husband and I really need a little bit more space. I’m really busy with (insert why here) and when I spend so much time with you, I have a hard time completing it. If it would be ok with you, I’d like to set up some boundaries. Text me or call me before you’d like to come over and if we’re too busy, I’ll let you know! We love you so much and couldn’t ask for a better mom! (Insert hug here)”
Post # 5
You could try a script that goes something like this.
“Hey awesome Mother-In-Law, I really enjoy spending time with you, but I also need a lot of alone time because too much company wears me out. I need you to text or call bediee you come over and some days I just don’t want to see people.”
Then you could set up some sort of weekly thing with her. Taco Thursdays or manicure Saturday’s or something. Then whenever she comes over and talks and talks and talks you can go “That sounds awesome! You should tell me all about it on Manicure Saturday” and use that to hustle her out the door. Ideally that will help you still spend time together and her not feel like you don’t like her while allowing you to keep your sanity.
Post # 6
I would try to set up a weekly scheduled time. Like she comes over Tuesdays from 5-7 and you can catch up on everything she’s wanted to talk about, bring you all the food she wants lol, and then she goes home. Or maybe ask her to not pop over as much but call instead. It’s so much easier to end a conversation over the phone than it is to get someone to leave your house. I’m so bad at cutting people off in person. Our Pop sounds like your Mother-In-Law. You stop by to drop something off and he’ll talk your ear off for 3 hours straight. Everytime you get up and say “well, I’ve really gotta get going…” he starts a new story. But you love these people so much you don’t want to be rude! I get it, it’s hard.
Post # 7
katelyndawn89: my mother in law is like this but I loveeee it. She does know boundaries though.. They live across the street in a house I just found for them lol. They moved 45 minutes to be near us, but they don’t just “pop” in and if they do, they do it quickly. All of our get togethers- even quick ones are planned and they always call.
I am also very forward and we are very comfortable together. When I’m tired or don’t feel like doing anything I let her know. I have a very long, demanding job and she completely understands. Other times I have my husband tell them “not today”.
You can’t feel bad about saying no from time to time. You need to have ME time and couple time too.
Post # 8
Oh I so feel for you! I don’t have much advice for you, but I can definitely sympathize. My Mother-In-Law sounds exactly like yours. Because of this, we will never live in the same city as her. Darling Husband and I have talked about it extensively and we know if we did live close, we would deal with the same stuff you deal with. In fact, we recently moved to be an ~8ish hour drive from her, and she has still managed to visit us 6 times (each time for numerous days) in the 5 months we’ve lived here!
All I can offer in terms of advice is just get better at saying “no” and ending conversations. When she pops over to drop off food, say, “Oh great timing! I have somewhere to be/something to do in 15 minutes and if you’d have come any later I might have already left!” Then use that excuse to get her to leave before the 15 minutes are up. One thing we found to work well with my Mother-In-Law in terms of constant texting is honestly just to not reply to every text. She used to send texts all day long, but now she doesn’t because she knows we don’t reply. It sounds mean, but she would honestly just send these super long texts that said nothing and if we had replied to each one it would have seriously taken some time out of our day!
Post # 9
SoonAsYouCan: Might be a good idea, except weekly is just too much for me. I am kind of introverted so I save 1 night a week for getting together with another couple :S I could maybe do once every other week, but on those weeks I probably wont see friends.
Post # 10
amygdala: We plan to move in 4 years to a house that is big enough for kids… problem is we LOVE our neighborhood, it’s close to work and beautiful walking paths. It’s where we want to be. I am scared for when I have kids yet how often she will want to pop by.
Post # 11
katelyndawn89: Don’t answer the door if she just “pops” by. If she texts you later, say you were in the shower/sleeping/etc. After it happens a couple times, ask her why she doesn’t just text you beforehand so you can make sure you’re ready when she comes over.
My Mother-In-Law is kind of like this but to a lesser degree…my husband gets home about an hour after I do and if she’s in town, she wants to come over the MOMENT I get home. I never can understand why she doesnt just wait until 6 when he gets home… One time she texted me and asked if I was home and I just didnt answer. Sure, enough – 10 minutes later – DING DONG! Guess who’s at my front door!
Post # 12
From someone with a totally different problem with her mil, I can tell you I wish I had your problems. But I understand your frustration in being smothered by someone, even with the best intentions.
I would just have a heart to heart with her, explaining the truth. That you are an introvert, and aren’t used to this type of dynamic in your personal relationships within your own family. Tell her that you love her, and you want to have a close relationship, but that an everyday, or even every week, visit may be too much for you. Good luck!
Post # 13
- Wedding: May 2016 - St. John\'s Lutheran Church
hyacinths: I like this idea. I think a regularly scheduled hangout period where she can get it all out of hr system will help set boundaries for the rest of the time.
Post # 14
Do we have the same mother-in-law? Haha. Mine is 3.5 hours away so it is now mainly limited to group texts. All. The. Time. Now that I have a baby in the way she is losing her damn mind. I have no advice but I can certainly commiserate. (P.s. Move if you can!)
Post # 15
OMG, your mother-in-law is my Dad’s long lost twin sister. I deal with him by living far away from him and keeping my schedule extremely regimented.
I work full time at a very introvert-unfriendly workplace, so I tell Dad no weeknight talks because I need quiet time. If I do call on a weeknight, it’s because something bad happened and I need fatherly advice.
I only answer texts during lunch breaks. If he texts me after lunch, it will be answered the next day, at lunch. I never told him that I was doing this, but I conditioned him into only texting me around lunch time.
Hope that helps!