My mother-in-law is staying with us for 6 months, and I can't take it anymore

posted 3 months ago in Married Life
Post # 17
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

absinthecat :  Trust me, I know how frustrating learning a language can be, especially trying to learn it from your SO. Is your MIL patient with your attempts to speak Ukranien? 

Honestly, if she wants to spend half the year in the US, it’s up to her to make that possible – it’s not up to you to put her up especially when you never agreed to this before getting married.

Talk to your husband. That’s the only way things are going to change.

Post # 18
Member
3466 posts
Sugar bee

OP, stop feeling guilty about not wanting to live with your MIL for 6 months/year. It’s a normal feeling. If you feel guilty, your husband will just guilt you further into thinking this is ok.

Post # 19
Member
1164 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

absinthecat :  Why on earth would you wait to talk to your husband? You should have discussed this with him before she even arrived for the second visit! The longer you wait to talk, the worse it will be.

This situation is insane. I don’t even know where to start, there are so many problems. Even having your MIL stay with you for a single month is excessive, I cannot believe you lived with her for 3! I also love my mother in law and can’t say a bad word against her, but the maximum she would ever stay with us is about a week! Anything more than that would be hugely intrusive. 

Talk to your husband today. You cannot keep living like this. Whatever the outcome, you will be better off addressing the problem now.

Post # 20
Member
2500 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

That sounds really tough.  You have to talk to your husband and I would sooner rather than later.  Express your concerns- that way there is time for her to readjust her plans rather than feeling like she is being booted out once you can’t stand her.  In my experience, when you bottle up feelings like that, they tend to build and erupt in ways you later regret.

Post # 21
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

If she was able to stay with other relatives before what has changed that now she can’t? Maybe see if there are some other relatives who would be willing to split the time with you. I’m married into a Ukrainian family and all the Ukrainian’s I know seem to be stubborn and set in their ways, but also very family oriented that they would jump at the change to have family visit.

As for learning the language is there a program you have been using? I’m trying to learn the language as well and haven’t found a good program yet and my DH only knows very little. 

Post # 23
Member
557 posts
Busy bee

My Mother-in-law stayed with us for 5 weeks. She is mentally ill( Borderline Personality Disorder) and took booze to “help” her anti depressant meds. I told my husband, “She needs to leave”. Slept all day, hid vodka bottles under the bed, never did wash or offered to help $ for anything. She did get along well with our cat. I will say that in her favor. There was no discussion on this issue. He agreed and out she went. I threatened to leave if he didn’t do something.

Post # 24
Member
691 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

You already know that you need to talk to your husband right away, but beyond that, it’s just a matter of figuring out the practicalities.

It’s a non-starter for MIL to live with you for months at a time. So you need to figure out other accommodations. You mentioned paying a fortune for a separate lease—if that’s manageable, then that’s what you need to do because your sanity is worth it. What’s happening with MIL’s home in Ukraine for the six months that she’s here? Can she rent it out to bring in some money? Can you downsize from your current home so that you can afford a second apartment? Would it be possible to rent out the second place on airbnb or something for the other six months, ideally making enough money to cover the majority of the costs? Pretty much everything needs to be on the table, because your current situation would drive anyone crazy.

Post # 25
Member
546 posts
Busy bee

I have Polish relatives and I know this scenario very well. There’s nothing wrong with her home in the Ukraine, she simply can’t (or won’t) apply for citizenship here, so she comes for 6 months at a time (as per her visa) and then goes home for the required 6 months. There’s nothing to say she has to stay for the full allotted 6 months on her visa. Under the guise that she’s ‘helping’ or visiting family, she’ll sponge off you as long as you allow it. Of course her son doesn’t mind, he’s lived with her all his life, and now feels as though he’s returning the favour. But he’s not considering you in all this! It’s not fair to expect you to live with a stranger you can’t communicate with! And during the formative years of your marriage either. Just because she’s allowed her 6 months of the year doesn’t not mean it has to be with you. Perhaps compromise and offer her a month (or whatever you feel you can handle). And you DO NOT have to feel guilty about it either. 

Post # 26
Member
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

This sounds obvious but can the two of you use a translation app to chat woth each other?  Years ago, my little brother had a foreign exchange student from Russia.  She could say “nice house” and “cocker spaniel” and that was about all I could understand.  (My dog is a springer spaniel, and apparently they have spaniels in russia too lol)  I knew zero russian.  The translation apps were not perfect, but they allowed us to converse as easily as texting.  I bet they have ones now that would even read your words out loud for you.  Obviously some vocabulary and grammar is lost to the apps, but they get the general purpose of the conversation across.

Post # 27
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

OH my God what a nightmare. I’m so sorry you have to go brought this. Living with inlaw’s is not fun. I feel your pain.

Post # 28
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

absinthecat :  I would love if you could share the resources with me.

Have you had any luck figuring out this situation?

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