Post # 1
When I was 13, I moved out of my mother’s house and in with my grandparents. She always blamed them, and never the real problem… HER! She choose her at the time husband over me, and that’s mostly why I left. He was very abusive and insane and I was loosing my mind. 13 is a very young age to realize that your parents are bad people. I wish I never found out, it might make things now easier. My mother was never really there for me, even before I moved out and for the most part, I accredit my grandparents for raising me and molding me to who I am now. (My father wasn’t really there either, but that’s a whole other bag of chips!)
I am now 22 and am planning on getting married this coming August. The planning is going amazingly! My aunt has been more help than I could ever ask for and my Fiance is maybe one of the most chill people I know. Which translates to me and my aunt are planning the wedding, my Fiance just sits, nods, and continues to be super supportive!
And then there is my mother… I went to her house last week to spend some time with her. BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER! It was fine really, to a point. I avoided talking about the wedding because by this point, I already decided that my grandmother fills the roll of MOB. Meaning my mother will attened the wedding but will not have any special treatment. And after that night, she really proved I made the right decition. She went on for over an hour, in sobs how when my grandparents “stole me away from her” it broke her heart, and now my sister has gone to Texas with my father to restart life, between you and me, away from the poison that is my mother. She sobbed about how no one loves her, that people just keep wanting to hurt her though she has enver done anything wrong. I’m embarresed by my mother. Honestly, I don’t want her there but my grandmother is telling me I have to invite her. She has two other children, 11 and 12, and I worry about them. Her household is unstable and chaotic! She spends money on only herself and bitches when she doesn’t get child support checks.
I am so very thankful that my grandparents have done for me what they have, and that my aunt has been like a mother to me for all of the wedding details, but it makes me very sad to not have an actual mother to share all of this with! We went to pick out my wedding dress this week and every other bride there was with their mother. My one Bridesmaid or Best Man, also a very dear friend, picked up on my stress and pointed out that I do have my aunt and grandmother. I worry that I’m the only bride that faces this. That I will never know what it’s like to have a normal relationship with my mother and that I will dread every move she makes at my wedding. I’m not a hateful person, but she fills me with spite and anger every time she throws herself a pity party.
She will turn my big day into HER platform for tearing everyone else around her down. What am I going to do!?
Post # 3
Have nothing really useful to say except I’m sorry. And internet hugs!
Perhaps the best way to deal with your mom is to treat her nicely. But keep her at arms length.. And just be glas that there are people who can and will takebup the mom roll. I feel bad for your siblings too
Post # 4
@imalittlebirdie: Thanks. It’s nerve wracking to think of what might happen when she realizes that what is traditionally the role of the MOB is being played out by my mother, what she’s going to do. I’m terrified that she might do something nasty to me or my Fiance, who she doesn’t even like mostly on the basis that he makes me happy… I don’t want her there but there is no arguing with my grandmother.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry that you are going through this! *HUGS*
I do have to say that I too, do not really have a relationship with my birthmother. When my sister was 2 and I was just born, she decided that she didnt want to stay home with us and went out partying all the time. She told my father (who was in the Navy and away on ship most of the time) that she didnt want to take care of us. For our safety, my dad took us to live near his parents and got a divorce. I grew up being raised by my grandparents mostly as well as my father was gone most of the time and he honestly is the type of person who was never really meant to have children. Now, I love my father very much, but he was not very supportive growing up and is a very unemotional man even now that I have moved away from home. I am 25 years old and my dad and I have a better relationship now that I am on my own though its still hard to talk to him most of the time.
My dad married my stepmother who has been in my life since I was 13, just a few years ago. It was a long process for them because of how my father is and he has come a long way! My stepmother and grandmother will be the ones honored at my wedding because they are the ones that have been there for me all these years! I call my stepmother 2 times a week and can chat for hours! My mother only tries to chat with me on Facebook and never calls and is always saying how shes sorry that she was a horrible mother, but it doesn’t really matter much anymore. She might attend my wedding, she might not. She will also be on her 5th marriage coming up.
Ah! I’m sorry for the novel! I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in these mother issues! Though my situation is not as severe as yours seems to be, please know that you do have mother figures who love you so so much and who are they for you! Don’t let her ruin your day just for her own self satisfaction!
Post # 6
@misschickpea: This oddly brought me to tears. Thank you so much for reaching out to me. =)
Post # 7
@hiddendaughter: Your story about your mother definitely hits close to home for me. You are not alone in this! My mother has not been there for me for the planning one step of the way and it is sad to know that her being as she is, I am probably better off for it. I’m glad your aunt and grandmother are being so supportive and filling the role.
I’m sorry your mother cannot clue in to what is going on around her. Your day and your life are not made up of thoughts only about her! She is playing the victim when it would be so easy for her to be helpful and loving and caring right now, with the wedding and all that’s involved in that.
On your wedding day you will be surrounded by your family and loved ones, and you will be so busy. You’ll be overwhelmed by all the love in the room. Your mother’s poison and pity party won’t even register as a blip on your radar.
Post # 8
@GreenDream: Thank you. Thank you so much! That is exactly what I needed to hear.