(Closed) My mother is engaged

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I know how you feel! After I got engaged, my Mom became so obsessed with my ring that she went out and bought one that looked JUST like it. For as long as I can remember she has worn yellow gold, but she even got hers in white gold so it looked just like mine. When I saw some family for the first time to tell them I was engaged, I felt like my Mom just couldn’t let me have my moment because as soon as the attention was off of her, she was like “Don’t you want to ask me about my new ring?”. Ugh. Hahha..

Post # 4
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Not really sure what to say about the ring but maybe she just really likes the style.  Is it a popular look?

As far as the date…my brother got married the day after my dad’s birthday and we are getting married the day after my mom’s.  They actually both think it’s great.  It would be one thing if she constantly did this kind of thing to intentionally hurt/irritate you but maybe it’s just really the date they liked best.

Post # 5
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Please don’t bring this up to her. I know feeling like you’re being upstaged can be very frustrating, but those feelings will fade much sooner than the hurt you may cause her if you say these things to her. I would give her the attention she wants, I bet it would make her feel great. I personally feel like I could never do enough for my mom to repay her for everything she’s done for me, so this would be nothing. And anyway, after this one year, your birthday and her anniversary won’t detract from each other at all.

Edit: Also, immitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and the vast majority of times someone looks at your ring, they will never know what ring your mother has. 

Post # 6
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

The ring wouldn’t bother me so much, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery after all…but the birthday thing would bug me. BUT, I’m really big on birthdays…I would just keep it to myself and be happy for her like you’re doing. Everything will work itself out. And maybe you’ll get a free vacation for your birthday!

Post # 7
Member
990 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I know that Fiance lost his birthday one year to his Aunt and Uncles wedding he still hasn’t lived it down. We made sure to stay away from birthdays (though we failed because we picked his grandma’s without realizing it- she is thrilled and we are playing happy birthday at the reception). I understand where you are coming from on this but I would let your mom know how you feel. I wouldn’t worry about the ring the thing is there don’t seem to be to many styles to choose from in my opinion. I would let her know that you are really happy for them but you feel like she is trying to upstage you- let her know you can completely understand that this may be from the emotions of beings newly engaged and you are really happy for her. Perhaps planning both weddings together would be a great way to bond. My cousin got engaged very soon after me and I felt upstaged but its not the case at all. Plus we are having fun planning together. I think you and your mom need to have a heart to heart. Perhaps something small like playing happy birthday could be done at the wedding since you are her daughter. I would ask her what made her choose that day. Maybe she thought it would be extra special because of how close it is to your birthday which Im sure is a big deal to her too.

Post # 8
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m not to sure what to say about the ring but setting the date I do.

When discussing a possible wedding dates I wanted it the day after my sons birthday. I looked at it as it would be special to have days I’ll never forget so close together. The day he was born and the day I married my love!! As it turned out the venue wasn’t available that day. Maybe your mom is doing the same thing.

Post # 10
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

are you sure you are just not upset that she is taking the spotlight away from you?  you should be thrilled for your mother.

as for the ring, they say that imitation is the best form of flattery.  she obviously likes your ring. i would be tickled if someone got my ring.

your mother is entitled to choose whatever wedding date she likes.  so your birthday is the next day.  you’re an adult, not 5.  my sister’s bday was the day after mine and she flew in for my wedding.  she was thrilled to be spending her birthday with family and friends.  if i were you, i would consider this a nice celebration bday in new orleans.

you need to start seeing the positive in this.  stop focusing on the trivial things.

Post # 11
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t think you should be upset about either. 

Her copying your ring – take it as a form of flattery (and post a pic of your ring!  And if you want, her’s too so we can see how similar!).

As for the bday, I’ve seen it said a million times that the bride has to pick the date that works best for her at the venue she chooses and it’s really hard to plan those around everyone else’s bdays, etc. 

I know that you’re feeling like she’s trying to upstage you, but the likelihood is that she is probably so excited and feeling the wedding fever.  You know when all your friends are getting engaged and you’re like WTF when is it going to be MY turn?  And you’re genuinely excited for all of them but have a pang of jealousy that it hasn’t happened to you?  That’s probably how she felt…. Unless this is a common occurrence with her, that’s a different story. 

If she’s getting married before you, just make sure she picks out her dress before you pick out yours.

Don’t bring these things up to her.  But if she starts copying other things and upstaging you in other ways, then it might be time for a talk.  Obviously, come to us first to see if she is upstaging you or if you’re just overreacting (duh, that’s what we’re here for!). 

Post # 12
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Britk:  Call her out on not inviting you. That’s basically the problem. Everything else is incidental.

Post # 13
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Keep it to yourself.

Post # 15
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Britk:  I think you shoulld of course keep this all to yourself, and your right, vent all you went on WB since wer all here to support one another. BUT, I dont see why she would have to invite you, your her daughter after all, you seem to have a good bond since she asked you for help for the reception and wht  not.. I didnt invite mybestfriend– or family cuz its an Automatic invite, you just KNOW you have to show up..

Post # 16
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Wait, I’m confused.  You’re not invited to your own mother’s wedding???  Are you sure she’s not just assuming that you know you’re invited without actually explicitly inviting you?? That’s totally something I would do. 

The good thing is that her wedding is first so you can wait and keep all your awesome reception and wedding dress ideas to yourself for another 2 months and then you don’t have to worry about her copying you!

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