(Closed) My mother is trying to sabotage my wedding.

posted 7 years ago in Dress
Post # 3
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry this is happening! Since you and your Fiance are paying for the whole wedding, you get to decide what you want to do. Don’t let her walk all over you! When Darling Husband and I got married it was a similar situation with my mother trying to call all the shots even though she wasn’t paying. Finally, I just sat her down and explained that since Darling Husband and I were paying, Darling Husband and I made the final call on everything. As for the dress, is it fesible for you to buy it? I only ask because if she buys it there are strings attatched and strings and weddings cause TONS of issues! You shouldn’t have to compromise on your wedding dress….especially if you feel uncomfortable. As for the guest list, my mother was the same. But since she wasn’t paying, she saw the guest list but knew she couldn’t change it.

Post # 4
Member
3295 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

i dont think she is trying to sabatoge your wedding 🙁 i think its very generous of her to buy a dress for you and she probably just thinks it is gorgeous as is… it doesnt seem too low cut… although id have to see it on you to know for sure…. i would say just compromise on the dress…. if you love it then let her get it for you… and leave the neckline alone. i would not, however, compromise on the guest list since you are paying for the rest of the wedding…. just my 2 cents.

Post # 6
Member
3295 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@SweetRose2011:  why can you just let her buy it and then when it comes time for alterations just put a little panel in the bustline… i bet she wont even notice… i mean i know its sneaky but whatever lol

Post # 7
Member
7296 posts
Busy Beekeeper

can you afford to buy the dress yourself?  i would do that if i could just so she has no say. i also personally dont think its too low cut. but then again, if you have a large chest, i can see it might be revealing…..and most importantly, you should feel comfortable in whatever you wear!  

Post # 8
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

The front doesn’t seem that low cut to me.. but I guess I’d have to see it on you to really be able to tell.  If she’s buying the dress, I’d probably let her have that request… but probably just because I don’t really think it’s a big deal.  I’m not a super modest person, though.  If it’s your dream dress and having a less revealing neckline is really that important to you, you might just need to graciously decline her offer and buy it yourself so you can do whatever you want to it.

Post # 9
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Just give her odd little “busy” jobs that you don’t really care about. Talk up the wedding favors like it’s the most important thing ever. Ask her to find some pew decorations. Tell her to research types of food. That will make her feel included without relinquishing your control.

 

You are an adult. It is up to you to create boundaries with your mother. Try to understand she sees you as her child, and always will. Creating these boundaries will help her to respect you as an adult.

Post # 10
Member
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Ugh. I do not envy you! I completely understand not wanting to show a lot of clevage and not being able to afford your dream dress. Maybe you can let things simmer for a few days and approach your mom when you are feeling calmer. Do you think it would help to ask her why she is against a higher neckline or to explain how you feel calmly and lovingly? I hope you have some peace about the situation soon.

Post # 11
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Yes….you’re right…your mom is trying to sabotage you by offering to buy you a wedding dres…she sounds evil and horrible. Seriously, get a grip. Millions of people would kill to be in your position.

Post # 12
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t think you should give in to your mother on this, even if it means wearing a different dress.

My family is messed up. My mother just doesn’t give a crap about the wedding except to tell me that it costs too much and she thinks lots of our details are stupid. Since we’re paying for it, we can tell her to back off. Money is power. Your mother knows it. That’s why she’s trying to leverage it to make you do something you don’t want to do.

And the one thing that you can do, and that you should do, like one of the previous posters said, is to set boundaries. You can sit down with your mother and say, “I’m concerned that you don’t seem to respect how I feel about how much skin I’m comfortable showing on my wedding way. Why do you think I should wear that dress? Can you understand why I’m not comfortable with it?”

If her concern is reasonable (she doesn’t know if she can cover the alteration costs, she thinks alterations will ruin the look of the dress), you can talk it out and try to reach a compromise (you’ll cover the alterations, you’ll have the salesperson give you an idea of what the alterations would look like). And if she gives you some weird or obviously bullshit reason, you can say, “Okay, I’m glad you told me about that. But it’s important enough to me to walk down the aisle feeling comfortable, and knowing that my fiance feels comfortable, too, that I’m willing to walk away from this dress. Thank you for your offer, but I can’t accept it on the conditions you set.”

She might go ballistic: you don’t appreciate her, you’re so ungrateful, all she’s trying to do is (insert bullshit self-justification here). If she pulls that crap, you’ll know you were 100% right to walk away. Family will often try to pull your strings, and you don’t want this to turn into something that she can hold over your head until the day she dies: “When I bought your wedding dress, I didn’t know you were going to turn around and be so (insert bullshit adjective here)!”

Boundaries are good. Not having money sucks, but resenting your mother sucks worse. So set boundaries now, tell her “I’m glad you’re so interested in our wedding, but we’d rather not talk about those details,” and call it good.

Post # 14
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

People are what you allow them to be. If you allow her to manipulate you, she will always. You have the power to end this. Maybe it’s her fault for starting, but continuing the cycle is not something she should be blamed for.

You have choices. That’s what life is about. Choices, every single day. They add up. You can choose to 1) Let Mommy “manipulate” you by letting her have her way by lording the dress over you, or 2) Take the high road, tell her thank you, but you have purchased a perfectly demure dress already.

What’s more important to you? Having ANOTHER wedding dress, or having power over your own affairs? That one is up to you, not your mother.

Post # 15
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

could you bring up the straps so the neckline is raised?

You technically didn’t alter the neckline….

Do da dee do daaaaaaaaaaa *whistles*

Post # 16
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Schrutebeets: That was really uncalled for. Maybe you should read the OP’s previous encounter’s with her mother to understand a) that the OP Is a bit conservative, as well as modest, which I think is admirable in this day and age and that b) her mother has been a manipulative nightmare for the entire period of her relationship, engagement and now wedding planning. The extent of her crazy? making her sign a contract at the age of 16 about her wedding and relationship…yeah, exactly.

Sweets, You know how I feel about your mum- and I will be honest with you, I kinda saw this coming 🙁 Call me cynical, but in my heart I was hoping I was wrong, and that she was just doing this out of some guilt of how awful she has treated you in the past- maybe this would be the moment! Ya know? Everything would change. Its sad that she has taken this happy occasion as another way to manipulate you into being the person she wants you to be, as well as calling the shots with the wedding. A wedding isnt a bargaining table, its supposed to be a celebration- yours has been anything but that.

I understand your disappointment, frustration…even rage (I might be a bit rage-y myself if I was you, to be honest.) But dont let her take your happiness away from you. I know you are going to hate to have me say this…but in the end, its just a dress. In the end, that dress wont come to represent what you want it to (your mother’s love will be instead your mother’s manipulation). The dress you bought, and have now, if that dress is not born out of her desire to change everything about your wedding and has some positive association, then go with that one. Dont let her push you into this situation- she’s using your heart against you again and its just not worth it. Be happy that you finally get to be with your FI- that you have a dress, that after all this is over, you will be with the person you love and respect. As for your mum…take it from someone who has a crazy sister and a complicated family history- some people, just cant change….and you cant expect more from them either.

*hugs* Loves you. Im so sorry dear.

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