(Closed) My mother isn't coming to the wedding.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

your mom sounds almost exactly like my FI’s mom. She is not coming to our wedding and faked us out saying she was coming and even going to get a passport and then stopped all communication a few months ago out of the blue. Not even a Merry Christmas.  She is also untreated either Borderline/Bipolar, not sure which, but it’s clear something is wrong with that woman.  I see my Fiance gripping with the same issues as you and it has finally come to the point where he’s just going to let the relationship go. It’s nt an easy decision, but we both decided that we need to release toxic people from our lives no matter whether we have a familial relationship with them or not.  Sorry you have to deal with this

Post # 18
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@dreamhazer:  I think sometimes we have expectations of people based solely on the fact that they are our mom or our dad…and if they don’t fit in with those expectations we automatically think there is something wrong. It’s important to remember that those expectations are largely formed by society and not necessarily by children.  

 

Maybe it is time to ask yourself 1. Did you previously accept the level of involvement that your mom had in your life or were you hoping she might meet the societal expectations of moms? and 2. If you have previously accepted the level of involvement that she had in your life, has the wedding raised your hope that she might meet the societal expectations of moms?

 

Just a thought and certainly no offense intended. It just seemed like you aren’t surprised and even feel that you shouldn’t be surprised…..so maybe you shouldn’t be? Maybe the people who have been supportive of you and who are interested in your life are enough?

 

Post # 20
Member
1175 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

This sounds just like my FI’s mom. Supposedly she’s coming now, but until I see her on the day of I won’t fully believe it. I really don’t know or understand how my Fiance turned out to be such a great man with a mother who is such an enormous mess- I thank God that his dad and that side of the family are so great.

 

I’m so sorry girl that you’re having to deal with this- in a way, I’m glad you know now and this isn’t dumped on you the day of the wedding- not that you’ll be any less disappointed and I’m sure you’ll miss the presence of your mother on your wedding day. HUG!

Post # 21
Member
1175 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@nyota526:  It’s a ridiculously hard decision for them to let their mother/parent go. It’s like no matter how crappy of a person they are, it’s still their mom. Our issue is that his mother acts like a 20 year old hooker and I pray that she attends the wedding, but at the same time I’m terrified she’ll be in some skanky outfit and people will talk about her (because they will!).

Post # 22
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@dreamhazer:  I’m sorry, I must have been posting my message to you when you explained earlier that your mom used to be different (at least from your perspective as a child). Bipolar disorder and its effects on parenting…in any consistent manner as you’ve pointed out…are terrible for children to deal with. As you are also pointing out, it’s even worse to deal with when you hope that the parent will be there for something you likely consider to be one of the most important days of your life. I’m glad you have your dad and your stepmom to support you.

Post # 23
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Wow, that… is so sad. What a pity. I hope you can have a great time at your wedding regardless, but it is so wrong when family hurt us through their callous attitudes and selfishness. 

Post # 24
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would rather my mother tell me she wasn’t coming instead of just not showing up and throwing everything up in the air for people to figure out on the spot. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’m refraining from name-calling right now 🙁

Post # 25
Member
4090 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@dreamhazer:  This sounds JUST LIKE my mother. She did not think it was a big deal to get married.  She did not understand why she should be there. 

 

She tried to hide it behind her anxiety about flying, but soon after we finally decided to elope (because frankly what good is an immediate family wedding if my entire side doesn’t show up), she wanted to know if she can come out for her  vacation the month after.  I told her no!  She has flown here before, and she bought a ticket to go on vacation in Florida like 4 months after I tried to get her to come to my wedding.  It doesn’t add up.  I felt so unloved as you probably do.

This was my second marriage.  Both times she did not go.  I really thought it would be different this time, hence my bigger expectations.  But alas, I was the one who was different, not my mother.  Same with my sisters.  They could not come either.

I think we have this expection that mothers are supposed to be caring, supportive, loving, and into weddings for pete’s sake!  When they are not, it kind of hurts doubly.  I am very sorry you are hurt.  It’s really hard to rid yourself of any and all expectations.  I am trying.

Post # 26
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I know it hurts 🙁

The only thing you can do is go on with your planning, and have a beautiful, memorable day in spite of her absence. Her not being there will only reflect poorly on her. She will have to look at your wedding pictures, and feel the emptiness of herself not being in them. Its her loss. 

((((Hugs))))

Post # 27
Member
2265 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@dreamhazer:  I’m so sorry – for your mother’s illness and its impact on you. Its perfectly understandable and natural to want to have the relationship with the mother you remember.  The only advise I can offer you is to try to remember that her actions aren’t a reflection on you or even her – but on her illness. That doesn’t mean her actions won’t still hurt – they will – but do remember her behavior is somewhat out of her control.  Her actions don’t mean she doesn’t love or care about you.

Good luck.

Post # 28
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Sorry that you have to go through this. Hope your wedding will go beautifully regardless.  In addition to what PPs said, I’d like to mention that it might turn out for the best not to have her there although it seems like a hurtful thing right now… I was an Maid/Matron of Honor in a wedding where MOB was a royal pain in the neck – any attention during preparations that was not directed at her just wound her up, she acted out like she wanted to be the star of the day or something. The bride went from being mildly annoyed to showing signs of losing it, so me and another Bridesmaid or Best Man had to pull them into different rooms and keep it that way until the ceremony.  I never saw an adult act this way, least of all at her daughter’s wedding.

Post # 29
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@dreamhazer:  wow can I relate to this. My mother was/is also an unmedicated bipolar but the difference here is that I have not spoken to her in over 10 years. We we never close. When I was born, she was a teenager and she pretty much left me with her parents and then when I was 7 decided she wanted to play mom again, taking me 12 hours away from my caregivers and forcing me to live with a virtual stranger with vicious mood swings. Needless to say, there are a great deal of reasons why we don’t talk anymore. Her highs a lows went in rage to hysteria to hyper to sobbing to so depressed it was frightening. I walked on eggshells for many years and finally couldnt take it anymore and at 18, I went to school and never came back. I applaud people who still can dissassociate the disorder with the person: I have a hard time not holding her solely responsible for all of the pain she caused me for so many years.

 

If you can, and I’m sure you are (you sound more able than I am) keep focus on the fact that she is, indeed, sick and she literally cannot stop herself from doing the things that she does. There is a mother in there somewhere, the mother that you know and love and the mother that knows and loves you (and I promise you she does). Grieve this and try like hell to let it go. Again, you sound much more able than I am to give the advice I’m giving. I gave up many years ago.

 

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