Post # 16
It’s clear that your mother is having a hard time coping with her grief. In fact, I think she may be finding the idea of your wedding quite overwhelming because there is so much to do and she’ll be feeling like she has a lot of expectations on herself to be involved, immersed and completely switched on and be part of the big day (as you would hope a mother of the bride would be!)… so I actually think you need to approach this firmly but fairly. Yes her actions are coming across as selfish, but that’s merely how her grief is projecting. You definitely should go ahead with your wedding as planned… just take it easy on your mum and do please encourage her to speak to someone. Sounds like your dad is doing it tough too (probably because he’s the main person of support for your mum as well). Weddings are a happy time! Be excited and be happy for it! August is 7 months away… that’s a decent amount of time for healing to happen. Maybe you can include a moment of reflection for those who have passed in your ceremony or mention it at the start of a speech? Just some thoughts…
Post # 17
Your Mom sounds depressed….like seriously in need of help. i’m sorry you have to deal with all of this.
Post # 18
You’re mother is being selfish and closed minded, depressed or not your father should know better. Your father should be helping your mother at his difficult time and not be encouraging selfish behaviour. There is a difference between being supportive and being unreasonable.
I hope you still get married as you have already planned. Please don’t encourage this selfish behaviour, your grieving too, not just your mum. You deserve to be happy too!
Post # 19
My wedding will actually fall on the one year anniversary of my Grandfathers death, (obviously not by choice). We have chosen to turn that day into a happy one, and luckily nobody dared ask us to move our wedding. Life is for the living.
Post # 20
Danielle Devereux :
No dont’ postpone it , and don’t listen to her or your dad – so unfair of both of them . It not like you are getting married 6 weeks after the death for heaven’s sake! . Just go ahead and plan as planned, just don’t talk about it too much.
Also, is there anyone else in the family , or a friend of theirs , preferably of their generation who might have a word with them about the unreasonableness of their request it ?
Post # 21
Danielle Devereux : It sounds like your Mum needs some counselling for her grief. As everyone else has said, you’re not being unreasonable.
Last Autumn Fiance and I had set our date with the Church (September 17), and were just confirming with our preferred venue that they could still do the date (the Church had taken weeks to come back to us with the date) when my brother died out of the blue in late October. FI’s grandmother died the following day.
We decided to postpone our wedding, only because:
we hadn’t put down any deposits
we were 11 months out and would have to sort photog, dress etc soon and whilst we were still in the immediate aftermath of grief
we knew neither of us could face making decisions on the wedding at that time and;
we were moving house two days after the last of the funerals.
At no point did any family member ask us to postpone. They all told us to do what felt right for us.
OP- plenty of time has gone past since your grandmother died that you’re 100% fine to be getting married now. It sounds like your Mum is struggling with her grief and needs some counselling to help herself come to terms with it all. Your Dad should be encouraging that, not encouraging her to guilt-trip you in to cancelling your wedding in 8(!) months time when she may be feeling much better.
Post # 22
deacon : I totally get she’s grieving very badly and it’s absolutely heart breaking it’s so hard for me to stand my ground because of that reason. It’s just an awful situation to put me in and I have to tell them I’m so sorry but I am going ahead with the wedding it will be 1 year and 7 months after her passing and granny of all people would be so happy for me as she always said when are you two getting married, she was a massive party of our lives and a very active grandmother in our lives was always there and would mind us bring us shopping and she loved a party! I don’t know how to say it to them they genuinely think I am selfish which I am really such an unselfish person and for them to not see things from my point is even harder to deal with.. 🙁
Post # 23
eirlys : oh my I am so sorry for your loss.. I know your so right in what you said I think the hard part for me is their my parents and I love them I do know that they are guilt tripping me and I think it’s scandalous as I would never do anything like this at this point to my girls and as a mother shouldn’t all you want in life for your kids to be happy?! I’m absolutely gutted that they can’t support me and it just makes no sense I mean dad even went onto say..I know your a compassionate person so need to postpone it and I said dad please I don’t want you to argue with me I love you but this is something I have to do and have organised the children are so excited why can’t she be happy for me for one day? His reply was she can’t even bring herself to come and help me with my dress as it’s a heartbreaking time for her at the moment and she can’t see any good in the future that If I postpone she will be in a happier place next year and we can all have a lovely day then..! So I don’t know but it’s sad I don’t have their support considering the last year has been tough also.
Post # 24
elderbee : thanks. No there isnt my granny would of deben the one to stand up for me , my sister doesn’t want to get involved she thinks mum is in a bad place that she sees both points so looks like I’ll be doing this alone without the support of my family.
Post # 25
countingdownthetime : that’s the thing we only get one chance at life and can take all the happy moments we can get as we all know life deals us with enough unexpected blows. Life is for living and know one knows what could happen tomorrow
Post # 27
Maybe you can go down the route of you having put lots of money already into the wedding and made deposits and you don’t want to lose money. As for the dress shopping you can just go shopping with your maid of honour and bridesmaids. I went with only my Maid/Matron of Honor and showed my mom afterwards. Maybe when she sees that you are proceeding on you plans and that she is missing out, then she might want to join in eventually. I do agree that not everyone grieves in the same way, however I think she needs counselling and hopefully that will help her feel better. She can’t ask you to put your life on hold for her. Life goes on. I know it will be hard to tell them, but they have no choice but to accept it and move on. And like you said, I’m thinking it will probably turn things around and make her smile when the wedding is happening.
Post # 28
- Wedding: November 2016 - Garden
Danielle Devereux : I was actually in the same situation with my mom (minus the grief, sorry bee :(( ) when she told me to postpone the wedding because simply she didn’t like my fiance and wanted me to find another that is more suitable for me or wait a couple more years. My mom did have some good points at some point in her argument but I listened to my heart and went with the wedding. It’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. We’re very much in love. P.s. if I listened to eveything my mom said I’d be miserable and missing out a LOT of things like dating my now husband. Make choices you feel are right. You’re doing a great job so far!
I’m very sorry for your loss, but something like a wedding should eliminate all the sadness and grieving in my opinion because it’s a brand new start for you both and your family. Once the wedding takes place she’ll understand why you went on with it 🙂 the children need a foundation, one household and marriage is the first step to do that. Good luck bee!
Post # 29
She’s taking this too far for attention. It’s sick. I’d tell her to go away and go ahead as planned. Don’t invite them. As far as I’m concerned that would be the end of my parents and I. That is the ultimate selfish thing for your mom to pull. Using a dead woman to fit her agenda.
Post # 30
When my grandmother died, my mom was grief stricken for years. It wasn’t until she got a new job and filled her days with things to do that she finally got out of it. It sounds like your mom is in serious need of help to deal with her grief.
Keep your date and maybe for the next few months don’t discuss plans with your parents. They will eventually have to deal with the fact that life does have to go on. Maybe by the time August comes around they will be more conducive to being happy again. You can’t put your life on pause though because who knows what will happen in a year? Two years?