My mother wants me to postpone our wedding

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
106 posts
Blushing bee

It’s clear that your mother is having a hard time coping with her grief. In fact, I think she may be finding the idea of your wedding quite overwhelming because there is so much to do and she’ll be feeling like she has a lot of expectations on herself to be involved, immersed and completely switched on and be part of the big day (as you would hope a mother of the bride would be!)… so I actually think you need to approach this firmly but fairly. Yes her actions are coming across as selfish, but that’s merely how her grief is projecting. You definitely should go ahead with your wedding as planned… just take it easy on your mum and do please encourage her to speak to someone. Sounds like your dad is doing it tough too (probably because he’s the main person of support for your mum as well). Weddings are a happy time! Be excited and be happy for it! August is 7 months away… that’s a decent amount of time for healing to happen. Maybe you can include a moment of reflection for those who have passed in your ceremony or mention it at the start of a speech? Just some thoughts… smile

Post # 17
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Your Mom sounds depressed….like seriously in need of help. i’m sorry you have to deal with all of this.

Post # 18
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

You’re mother is being selfish and closed minded, depressed  or not your father should know better. Your father should be helping your mother at his difficult time and not be encouraging selfish behaviour. There is a difference between being supportive and being unreasonable. 

I hope you still get married as you have already planned. Please don’t encourage this selfish behaviour, your grieving too, not just your mum. You deserve to be happy too!

Post # 19
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

My wedding will actually fall on the one year anniversary of my Grandfathers death, (obviously not by choice). We have chosen to turn that day into a happy one, and luckily nobody dared ask us to move our wedding. Life is for the living.

Post # 20
8264 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Danielle Devereux :  

No dont’ postpone  it , and don’t listen  to her or  your dad  – so unfair of both of them . It not like  you are getting married 6 weeks after the death  for heaven’s sake!   . Just go ahead and plan  as planned,   just don’t talk about it too much.

Also, is there anyone else in the family , or a friend of theirs , preferably of their generation  who might  have  a word with them about the unreasonableness  of their request it ?

Post # 21
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

Danielle Devereux :  It sounds like your Mum needs some counselling for her grief. As everyone else has said, you’re not being unreasonable.

Last Autumn Fiance and I had set our date with the Church (September 17), and were just confirming with our preferred venue that they could still do the date (the Church had taken weeks to come back to us with the date) when my brother died out of the blue in late October. FI’s grandmother died the following day.

We decided to postpone our wedding, only because:

we hadn’t put down any deposits

we were 11 months out and would have to sort photog, dress etc soon and whilst we were still in the immediate aftermath of grief

we knew neither of us could face making decisions on the wedding at that time and;

we were moving house two days after the last of the funerals.

At no point did any family member ask us to postpone. They all told us to do what felt right for us.

OP- plenty of time has gone past since your grandmother died that you’re 100% fine to be getting married now. It sounds like your Mum is struggling with her grief and needs some counselling to help herself come to terms with it all. Your Dad should be encouraging that, not encouraging her to guilt-trip you in to cancelling your wedding in 8(!) months time when she may be feeling much better.

Post # 27
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Maybe you can go down the route of you having put lots of money already into the wedding and made deposits and you don’t want to lose money. As for the dress shopping you can just go shopping with your maid of honour and bridesmaids. I went with only my Maid/Matron of Honor and showed my mom afterwards. Maybe when she sees that you are proceeding on you plans and that she is missing out, then she might want to join in eventually. I do agree that not everyone grieves in the same way, however I think she needs counselling and hopefully that will help her feel better. She can’t ask you to put your life on hold for her. Life goes on. I know it will be hard to tell them, but they have no choice but to accept it and move on. And like you said, I’m thinking it will probably turn things around and make her smile when the wedding is happening. 

Post # 28
1709 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Garden

Danielle Devereux :  I was actually in the same situation with my mom (minus the grief, sorry bee :(( ) when she told me to postpone the wedding because simply she didn’t like my fiance and wanted me to find another that is more suitable for me or wait a couple more years. My mom did have some good points at some point in her argument but I listened to my heart and went with the wedding. It’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. We’re very much in love. P.s. if I listened to eveything my mom said I’d be miserable and missing out a LOT of things like dating my now husband. Make choices you feel are right. You’re doing a great job so far!

I’m very sorry for your loss, but something like a wedding should eliminate all the sadness and grieving in my opinion because it’s a brand new start for you both and your family. Once the wedding takes place she’ll understand why you went on with it 🙂 the children need a foundation, one household and marriage is the first step to do that. Good luck bee!

Post # 29
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

She’s taking this too far for attention. It’s sick. I’d tell her to go away and go ahead as planned. Don’t invite them. As far as I’m concerned that would be the end of my parents and I. That is the ultimate selfish thing for your mom to pull. Using a dead woman to fit her agenda. 

Post # 30
1504 posts
Bumble bee

When my grandmother died, my mom was grief stricken for years. It wasn’t until she got a new job and filled her days with things to do that she finally got out of it. It sounds like your mom is in serious need of help to deal with her grief.

Keep your date and maybe for the next few months don’t discuss plans with your parents. They will eventually have to deal with the fact that life does have to go on. Maybe by the time August comes around they will be more conducive to being happy again. You can’t put your life on pause though because who knows what will happen in a year? Two years? 

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