My mother wants me to postpone our wedding

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Hostess
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

She is absolutely being selfish and not coping in a healthy fashion. It is time for her to get some help. Why hasn’t she had some already? Grief counselling can be vital in times like this. We lost a very important family member 6 months before our wedding. While there were moment during the day when we greatly missed his presence, we knew he would have wanted us to be married and be happy and continue living our lives. I say go on with the wedding. 

Post # 32
Member
2356 posts
Buzzing bee

Danielle Devereux :  If the death happened last March then your mother has bigger issues. No, you cannot understand her feelings because each of us mourns differently. However, she does need to get some pills or talk to someone. This is dreadfully unhealthy.

I would not cancel it. However, understand that she may not be able to get herself together for your wedding and therefore may not come.  Trudge forward….

Post # 33
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I heard something that fits a lot of situations where someone is accused of being selfish. 

Living your life as you please is not selfish. Expecting others to live their lives as you wish them to, is selfish. 

Your mom does need some kind of support group. 

Post # 35
Member
1815 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Danielle Devereux :  was her mothers death a huge surprise? Was it something like a car accident your mom witnessed? I’m just wondering, because stressful situations like that can really be hard for a person and it can take awhile to get over the grief. My mom witnessed her older sister’s unexpected death in June 2016, and she’s had a very hard time coping. Your mom sounds like she needs some professional help to overcome the grief. 

A few good arguments for your parents:

1) You might say that grandma would be thrilled to see her granddaughter getting married and continuing on the family.

2) It’s 8 months away, so she might feel completely different by then.

3) If you move it to 2018, how do we know she’ll be over the death by then? My dad died suddenly when I was 15 – you never really “get over it”, but you learn to accept it, and the grief doesn’t seem as powerful with time. 

4) You’re paying for it, she’s not expected to do anything but show up. Surely she can do that much for one day for you. It might actually help her feel better having something happy to look forward to

Post # 36
Member
1815 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Danielle Devereux :  any chance your mom doesn’t want you to marry this guy and it’s just an excuse? Maybe she hopes if sh can get you to postpone it a year you’ll come to realize he’s not right for you? He doesn’t sound all that supportive of you saying if it doesn’t happen now he won’t marry you ever. 

Post # 39
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

just postpone it or they won’t give their full support

Well geez, that changes everything!  I guess you better jump into a time machine and un-have those three children then…  /sarcasm

Post # 41
Member
1815 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Danielle Devereux :  my husbands grandfather died in Nov of exactly the same thing – he had liver cancer, and by the time they caught it he only had 2 months to live. He was 86. I know my Mother-In-Law was devastated by her fathers death – but she’s gone on with life. I’m sure if one of her children were getting married she would be thrilled and take the time to help with the wedding plans — in fact, she’d probably see it as a good way to take her mind off missing her father.

Does your mom just mope around all day – not able to do anything – because of grief? That’s a very abnormal reaction – especially as it isn’t something fresh – it happened many months ago. I think with such an odd reaction, she needs to consider why she’s acting this way. Is your father helping her to lead a normal life, or allowing all the wallowing in grief? 

Post # 43
Member
1815 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Danielle Devereux :  you said Grandma died in last March, so I’m assuming March 2016 – almost a year ago. While I certainly imagine losing your mother is hard, I think we can all agree this is an extreme reaction. I’m not saying anything bad about your mom – we all cope with loss differently – but over the course of a year she should be coming to terms with this. Unless it was a horrible death where your grandmother was killed in front of your mom – and she has PTSD – then she should be starting to return to normal activities by now. 

Try getting her out to do things she enjoys – dances, movies, crafts… you can always say that grandma would hate to see you wasting your life wallowing in sadness. You also said your grandmother would have loved for you to be getting married – so I wouldn’t change that. Life goes on. You have been planning this wedding for 2017, so don’t change your plans now. Hopefully your mom will come around. 

Post # 44
Member
2636 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

It sounds like your mother is having a hard time coping with her grief. Everyone grieves differently, and there is nothing wrong with this, but asking you to postpone your wedding is a bit much. Maybe she needs to see someone to help her better deal with her grief? If it’s impacting her daily life like this, she really needs to get a handle on it before it gets too bad.

For what it’s worth, Darling Husband and I got engaged about 7 months after his father very suddenly passed away (he was only 55). We got married about a year and a half after his passing. The wedding day was incredibly hard – FIL’s presence was most definitely missed – but we focused on the happiness of the occasion and everyone was able to enjoy themselves.

Post # 45
Member
2356 posts
Buzzing bee

 

Danielle Devereux :   If your father calls, again, tell him you are not canceling the wedding and they can choose what they want to do. THey can show up for the happy day or they can stay home. Tell them you hope they will be there and you want them to be there, but if they cannot then you understand. Either way the wedding is going forward. 

Don’t entertain him anymore. Tell him this is the way it is going to be. The ball can be in their court then.

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