Post # 16
litebrite249 : Sorry bee, I’m usually all for telling parents they have no right to dictate the guest list but in your case, your mom is actually right. If you were that hellbent on having a tiny wedding you should have immediately limited the guest list to immediate family only. You didn’t do that so now it’s time to put on your big girl panties and be a gracious host. Needing to invite someone’s caregiver should not warrant a flip out on your end.
Post # 17
I understand your mother’s POV and agree with her. Is Jane being there really going to affect you that much? And is Mary even planning on coming to the wedding anyway?
Post # 18
I’m going to have to side with your mom. If your guests are elderly or disabled and need their son or daughter to take them to the wedding you should allow them to come. You’ll hardly notice they are there and then your guests will feel safe and comfortable which is important.
When I orginally wrote my guest list I counted my Great Aunt with 2 extra people because she was in her late 80s with some health issues and would need her daughter and her daughter’s husband to assist her. When I wrote the guest list I had never met her daughter, so basically she’d be a stranger to me, but it was important that my Great Aunt had someone to take care of her if she wanted to come. Unfortunately my Great Aunt passed away before I sent save the dates.
Post # 19
Why would you even invite your moms ex neighbour if you want a small wedding? So random.
that said, if she needs assistance I’d just invite Jane.
Post # 20
I completely get it. I have so many people that mothers on both sides want at the wedding. We’re to the point that a small parents only wedding is an actual possibility. I disagree with the new who said it’s alarming that your are happy about a large decline rate. There ARE some guest who are only invited because of parents or family relations and it sucks. Sometimes you just have to say no, it’s my wedding and I don’t want that. However, I agree with some comments which bring up a great point. Let jane come so no other guest has to help the mother. That way you don’t have to worry if her mother is okay or not.
Good luck with your wedding!
Post # 21
Thank you for the thoughts.
Jane is not Mary’s caregiver. It was not because Mary was served by having Jane attend that her attendance was proposed; it was that Jane was served by having Jane attend. These are my mother’s words on the subject.
Mary is a dear friend of my mother’s, which I probably glossed over. If anyone had proposed Jane’s attendance to be for Mary’s benefit I would have taken it differently; I trust my mother to have understood Mary’s wishes where this is concerned.
Unfortunately, after the question of Jane’s attendance was settled against, my mother learned that Mary’s health has suffered a sudden decline. I’m hopeful that she recovers quickly and is able to maintain the busy social schedule she enjoys- she has a lot planned for this fall. It also reopens the question of Jane if she does end up in the role of caregiver and Mary feels able to attend.
Where I fall on this is that if the benefit of someone else’s attendance is to the guest, then it is considerate and hospitable for the other person to attend in order to make the guest’s experience more pleasant. My objection to Jane was that her attendance was proposed as a convenience to Jane and not to Mary. If it becomes important to Mary, then Jane should attend. So, if Mary will be able to make it because of Jane, Jane should be invited (and I will hope to see Jane in order to see Mary.)
Another bee mentioned upthread that my phrasing about our attendance rate was poor and came off crassly, and was absolutely correct. We have had a number of declines. Our high numbers were a huge source of stress (that was family who had made significant contributions steamrollering the guest list to add people out of social obligation with whom we have no relationship. Hence feelings about marrying in front of strangers. If it were e.g. my future MIL’s best childhood friend, different story, file under important to Mother-In-Law. This truly isn’t the case with some of these invitations- even if you asked my future Mother-In-Law.) A number of the people who can’t attend are people we love and will miss. In view of some of my closest family and my best friend/bridesmaid finding themselves unable to attend this close, which is hugely upsetting because their circumstances are so tough in ways I can’t help, I’m trying to look on the bright side and think “well, the upshot is that we are closer to our target.” It’s the only positive we get out of the number dance and I’m trying to stay positive but the way I described it was poor.
I abrogated a lot of context and I welcome the opinions.
Post # 22
Your wedding, your guest list, your declines if the children that are driving cannot entertain themselves for a day.
If I were asked a favour by a parent to drive them to a wedding then I certainly would not expect an invite. I am doing a favour, I am not a petulant child.
Post # 23
Your first post made it sound like the reason Jane would be invited is because she is Mary’s ride, and also Mary’s daughter, and Mary is in assisted living so would likely need some help. If the only way Mary can get to the wedding is by Jane driving her a long distance, and Jane has a connection with your family, then it’s more than a mere “convenience” to Jane to invite her – it’s just gracious I think. I also find it hard to believe that someone in assisted living would not need a designated caregiver type person when attending any event outside the assisted living facility, but I obv I don’t know the particulars.
At any rate, I get that weddings are frustrating and stressful when you have parents wanting to add all these people to your guest list. But you said the people “steamrolling the guestlist” made “significant contributions” to the wedding, so unfortunately, that is their right. My parents paid for our wedding, and so I gave them a good deal of autonomy when it came to inviting their own friends…some of whom I would barely recognize on the street. I let it be known if I wasn’t super keen on one of the guests on their list, but at the end of the day, it was their money, their decision, and I respected that.
I am an introvert, I get being overwhelmed in crowded situations with lots of strangers, but I really think you’re missing the forest for the trees here. You’re upset that some of your closest friends/family can’t make it, and taking that angst out over this Jane thing. But you’re going to have a beautiful wedding. It won’t be full of strangers. Don’t let this one little issue get you down bee. I bet you will barely even notice Mary/Jane at the wedding. The whole day goes by in a blur of joy.
Post # 24
I completely disagree with most responses here – this is your wedding and you shouldn’t invite someone you don’t like or get along with – it’s only going to make you feel uncomfortable and bitter towards his mom for forcing you – I would flat out tell his mom I’m sorry but Ive never gotten along with her or like her and she isn’t invited – also there’s nothing wrong with have an introvert personality – two of my friends are both quiet shy etc and had a very small wedding and they were paying for it – they didn’t invite a ton of people because they wanted people who actually knew them well to be there – cut out all random friends they see once in a blue moon- it’s not bridezilla to say no we won’t be inviting her – this is your wedding and inviting this girl will be costing you more money also