(Closed) My mother wants to keep living in the 70s!

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
84 posts
Worker bee

@MissKelli_11-8-13:  Just show her some statistics. The wedding cost you’ve outlined is actually below the average cost of a wedding today.  It’s certainly reasonable.  She has the right to think it is ridiculous and not be willing to pay for it — and she may exercise that right — but you should calmly show her the statistics and help her realize that you haven’t gone off the deep end.  After doing so, reiterate that you plan to have the wedding you’ve described, and ask her what part of it, if any, she’d be willing to help cover.

Post # 4
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

If you ask her for money, you may have to make some compromises on what you want. Or maybe you could ask her to just cover one thing like a rehersal dinner.

My suggestion – do what you can afford to pay for and skip fighting with her over every purchase. 

Post # 5
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@MissKelli_11-8-13:  Haha. My fiance’s parents are the same way. They say “we had everyone bring food to our wedding!” I was like… it’s not a potluck. Our budget is about 10k as well, and we’ve cut a lot of things and dealed a lot to get prices down. But we don’t want a cheesy bingo-hall wedding. We’d rather do a desination wedding with just our parents than a hall wedding with plastic tablecloths and potluck dishes. 

My mom, at first, I think had a similar concept. Then I explained to her what things cost nowadays, and that we didn’t want just a backyard BBQ for a wedding… that’s NOT a wedding. It’s a BBQ. Or a potluck. We didn’t want to exude white trash either. And it was either we do something nice, or we (which we considered) would fly to the Carribbean or Hawaii and get married overlooking the ocean. 

Maybe find pictures and ask her what she thinks of that type of wedding. Maybe she needs to see it… or maybe she really just thinks it’s acceptable. If she does, there’s no showing her. Tell her that people wearing flip flops, belching on beer, and plastic kiddie pools will be the wedding aura, with her suggestions. 

If she wants to pay for cheap tablecloths and $100 worth of beer and hotdogs, just ask her how much she was looking to help with, take whatever amount of money that is, and add to it yourself. 

 

Also… groom’s parents are supposed to cover rehersal dinner. yay ^_^

Post # 6
Member
866 posts
Busy bee

@yanamari

I think it is a little rude to insinutate that a backyard bbq is white trash, I have seen some beautiful bbq style weddings.

Post # 7
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@WillowTreeWade:  Jeez. Seriously? It’s rude to insinuate that ANY wedding is white trash, but  I would hope that in this context, people would understand what I’m getting at. 

I’m sure that there are some very nice backyard bbq weddings, but that’s not the kind I was talking about. -_- It was just a good example of what could most likely be a white-trash type wedding. You could have a white-trash wedding in a big beautiful banquet, too. I was just trying to get an idea across easily.

Post # 8
Member
2743 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Disney

@MissKelli_11-8-13:  Those are good prices. You should have seen the prices I’ve seen in my area. This is why I got to Disney I got tired of the head explosions over budget and family politics.

Post # 9
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MissKelli_11-8-13 We went through this with my grandmom. She was balking at everything and telling me we were wasting our money, etc…I finally had to tell my mom to stop telling her details. I’m sick of hearing it. It’s our money, we’ll pay what we want.

In your situation, can you just pin her down to an actual dollar amount she’s comfortable with (it might only be $500…you never know) and you and your Fiance work with what you two can actually afford.

Post # 10
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Sounds like your mom and you are envisioning very different weddings…it doesn’t sound like she doesn’t understand why the things you want cost more as they are clearly more formal and suitable for a traditional wedding, she just doesn’t udnerstand why you want to spend more money on those things when they could just throw you a cheap backyard wedding and be done with it.

You might not like this answer, but I think your best course of action is going to be to pay for the wedding yourself, or if she wants to help pay she can give yhoua  flat sum and you guys can cover the difference. And then I’d stop discussing costs and the fancy little details with her because she’s made it pretty clear she’s not going to gush over them or appreciate it the way you want, she’s just going to wonder why you wanted to spend so much money when you could have had a cheap backyard bbq wedding.

Post # 11
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Those are all pretty good prices, though I would nix the cake stand entirely (especially one for $150) and get cheaper favors.  You can get/make favors for $0.50-$1.00.  Chocolate truffles in little boxes are that cheap.  Boxes of mints.  Etc.  It is a place to cut costs if you need to.

I would tell your mom that you picked the lowest-price, highest-quality vendors available and that your decisions are final.  If she would like to help pay, you would appreciate it, but that you do not appreciate her judgement. 

It sounds like the whole ‘well your sister did _______’ is going to be a common theme.  Nip that in the bud straight away.

Post # 12
Member
8446 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Your prices sound great, but if you’re asking her to pay, you’re going to have to adjust to her budget.  I don’t think couples should ever expect to get financial help with their wedding if they want it a particular way.  Even when they do get money from their parents, it often comes with certain requirements, conditions, and expectations.  This is why my Fiance is paying for our wedding, we didn’t want to have to deal with people demanding things.  Best of luck.

Post # 13
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Well, you can’t ask her to pay if you’re just going to lay out a list of places for her to write checks.  You can ask *nicely* if she was planning to contribute anything, and if she’d be willing to just gift you that amount and let you and your fiance pay the rest.

Or… just pay for it yourself and save the headache.

One thing that may be easy to compromise on is a dress.  My mother and father insisted on buying mine even though we never asked for a penny for our wedding.  Most moms want to see their little girl looking like a princess and happy as can be on her wedding day so they’ll at least look for the kind of dress that you want. 

Post # 14
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@yanamari:  I know you don’t mean to be mean but some of your comments are coming off that way. A lot of bee’s have had beautiful, laid back, backyard, family oriented weddings that they wouldn’t change for a million more expensive ones. You can advocate for the wedding you want without putting down someone else’s choices, at least here on the Bee anyway.

Post # 15
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think it’s less of being stuck in the 70s and more of not grasping the type of wedding you want. A lot of Bees do have casual, backyard weddings where a friend will take the picture. That’s a legitimate choice and they’re happy with the way they’re wedding turned out. But if you have a different vision for your wedding, your mother should respect that also. Tell her how you see your wedding day. Describe it in detail for her. Show her pictures of what you have in mind. That way she’ll know what to expect.

Instead of having her pay for specific items, why not get one lump sum? Just ask her how much she wants to contribute and let her know what that money will be spent on. If she has no problem with the venue or officiant, tell her it’s going for that. If she loves your dress, tell her it’s going for that. Just spend it on the things she loves and she won’t be pissed about contributing to things she finds unnecessary.

Post # 16
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Easy solution, if you want things your Mother/parents do not wish to pay for, then pay for it yourselves!

 

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