(Closed) My mother…again (vent) advice

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
945 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

She sounds just like my mom. I would just ignore her. You shouldn’t have to deal with that.

Post # 4
Member
45642 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Only people who had/have alcoholic parents will understand what you are going through. My heart goes out to you.

You can’t stop or change her behavior. You can change your reponse. Simply delete her texts and go about your day.

You can set boundries with your Mom. For example, set a time and day each month that wou are available to get together with her. If you arrive and she has been drinking, leave. Other than that, tell her you won’t be responding and that doesn’t make you are bad daughter.

 

Post # 5
Member
46 posts
Newbee

Boundaries, please. Also if you haven’t already, check out AlAnon (for family members/loved ones of alcoholics). Or get some counselling. You sound like a very strong person to have recognized and dealt with your problematic parent for what she is….but it certainly helps to have a support group outside of your loved ones.

Post # 6
Member
4436 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m really sorry you are having to deal with this:( I can’t relate as I’ve never had alcoholic parents, but just wanted to send you some e-hugs. Try not to let her ruin your weekend- you are blessed with your family (FI and doggies) and deserve happiness:) 

Post # 7
Member
609 posts
Busy bee

@badabing88:  If you want advice, please feel free to PM me. I might just have the worst mother of all time. 

Post # 8
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I can relate to this completely, my mom has a pretty heavy perscription drug problem, she’s terrible to deal with, cannot put up with me doing well in my life, or being happy. 

Relys on me to get everything for her, if I can’t she sounds like a 16 year old that just got dumped. My mother is the type of person that can only critize me, but never in front of anyone else. I’m the best daughter in the world and she loves bragging about my engagement ring to anyone that will listen. Then tells me she doesn’t like it behind closed doors. 

I’ve honestly considered cutting ties completely with my mother. There is only so much mental abuse a person can tolerate. Recently I’ve had two aunts ask me if she’s taking too many of the pills, so at least other people are finally starting to notice. 

Just focus on how wonderful your life is, you’re doing wonderful with your FI and your puppies. [We also have two :]) I’d personally ignore her until she calms down, if you think that will ever happen. 

I’ve learned then pointing out the horrible mood just makes my mother go super defensive. Mentioning anything negative to her is just a terrible idea.  

Post # 9
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@badabing88:  I’ll be honest, I can’t relate AT ALL to your situation.  I’ve been very fortunate to grow up with two amazing parents and I am thankful for that every day.

That being said…I work in mental health and have worked with a number of addictions patients.  I’ve seen the manipulative tactics time and time again, which based on what you’re saying, is exactly what she’s doing.  She likely knows that laying on the guilt/making a big scene will get her attention. All behaviour serves a function.  She’s displaying maladaptive behaviours because it’s likely what she’s done all her life (I could be wrong here…I don’t know your story).  I have seen family members get passed the angry feeling that comes whenever a patient “pulls baloney” is to forgive the actions (not for the individual, for their own sake) and to be firm with their boundaries.  If you’ve got something on your chest, get it out (whether here on WeddingBee, writing in a journal – cheesy? maybe hehe). 

Only you know what’s best for you. I guess my point of all this is…don’t let her make you feel substandard.  Misery loves company and it sounds like that’s what she’s looking for.  Enjoy the rest of your weekend with your BF and dogs 🙂  If you’re were planning on going to the mall with your BF, I’d go (and treat yourself to something while you’re at it!)

 

Post # 12
Member
523 posts
Busy bee

@badabing88:  At the line “I don’t negotiate with terrorists” I totally spit out my water (while laughing) all over the keyboard. So glad no one else saw that classless moment.

My mom is highly manipulative and a lot of the other advice on here is spot on.

I just want to say that I’m so glad that you can see clearly who your *TRUE* family is (future FI and the dogs) and don’t tolerate her manipulation.

Stay strong and feel free to vent on here!

Post # 13
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@badabing88:  I wouldn’t even text THAT much to her, gives her more ammo. Just say it to yourself, or BF, or doggies maybe 🙂 Just do what a previous poster mentioned, go about your day normally and ignore/delete the annoying texts from her. You are not a slave to her behavior. *Hugs*

Post # 14
Member
3199 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@badabing88:  WE MUST BE SISTERS. WE MUST BE. My mom is the EXACT SAME WAY. I’m sorry she’s a butt hole…just ignore her? I let FI screen her texts when she gets that way. I can’t read them, they stress me out so much. 

Post # 15
Member
9830 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

@badabing88:  oh god. I know this trip well. I won’t get into it, but let me start with do not allow her to run your emotions. She doesn’t get to ruin your Saturday. You are not responsible for her emotional needs. 

I would not reply. An alcoholic is just looking for a sucker and someone to blame. If you won’t give her one, you will be the other. Those are the nly two choices.

love her from a well defined emotional distance. I still blame myself sometimes for not buying into the guilt trip, so I want to remind you, her needs are not your responsibility and no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t make her feel better.

 

hugs.

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