(Closed) My Mother’s Grief and our New Life

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
3575 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Oh my gosh.  I’m so sorry about the loss of your grandfather and your mom’s father.  Does your mom have any friends close by that you might be able to call and talk with them about the situation?  Perhaps they could be able to pop over here and there?  Just a thought.

I was also going to suggest the therapy route but not sure now considering what you said.  What if you called a therapist near her and talk with them.  They might be able to offer you some insight on how you can help your mom.

Post # 4
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m so sorry you’re going through this situation!  Grief can be very difficult, especially since people grieve differently.  Does she have any friends in the area that you could contact and let them know of the situation?  It would probably do her some good to have in-person interactions (any maybe they could convince her to go to a therapist or see her physician).  Everyone grieves differently, but I would definitely be concerned if she is no longer able to function in her everyday life (or has given up many of the things that she previously enjoyed or has a change in personality, etc).  

Post # 6
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

People grieve differently and from what I have seen, the hardest times are the 2 to 8 months after the funeral. During the planning, your attention is focused on the funeral and burial preparation, getting the finances, house, etc in order. Guests are coming in and going out, people are constantly checking on you to see if you are OK. Once people start going back to their own lives reality hits and you realize that this person is gone from your life forever…they aren’t coming back. Also, in the case of older people, you start to think about your own mortality and that can be tough as well.

My Fiance lost his mom and grandmom within months of each other….devastated does not even begin to describe what he felt. With his mom, it was totally unexpected. He didn’t want to eat, work, go out, heck..he didn’t even want to get out of bed most mornings. He was in short…exactly what you described above. You have to understand that your mom lost one of the people who literally created her and shaped her life from birth. It’s devastating….but there is some light at the end of the tunnel. FIs mom passed away 7 months ago and he is doing SO much better. He is working, went back to the gym, gets out and about. He still has moments of sadness and some things still bring him to tears…but he has gone past just functioning, and is back to living.

If you can, get your mom to go to counseling. Sometimes it helps to have an objective 3rd party who won’t judge. My Fiance went to a couple of sessions and it really helped him learn some techniques to cope with his grief. The best thing you can do is just be there for her as much as you can and keep pushing her to get out of that house and back into a routine. There is also a book I purchased for my Fiance (although I ended up reading it and sharing some of the information in it) called “Death of a Parent”…I think it will give you some insight into what your mom is going through right now.

Post # 7
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry that you lost your grandfather and that your mom is so sad.  I agree that everyone grieves differently.  Counseling seems like a good idea.  Also, just keep being there for her the very best you can.  Believe that she will heal over time and she will, she may just need time. 

 

Good luck.

Post # 8
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Coyaba Resort, Montego Bay

Everyone grieves differently, but it sounds like your mom needs to seek counselling.  If your dad can help organize this the next time he is with her, I think that would ease some of your worries.  So sorry to hear this – it is so sad!

Post # 9
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. I agree with the others that counselling (maybe you could find a grief counsellor) would be a great idea for your mom. Perhaps if you called someone local to her they might agree to make a house call to her since the situation right now is pretty intense. I would also call some of your mom’s closest friends and ask them to drop by, whether or not she wants them to. Just because she declines invitations, it’s hard to turn away someone on your doorstep with a cup of tea or some fresh muffins.

I hope things get better for you. It sounds like you’re all going through a very hard time. Keep us posted.

Post # 12
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It’s terrible that your mother is having such a hard time. I agree with Bakerella that friends need to impose themselves on her and force her to think of other things. I used to be more emotionally a mess, and whenever something bad happened I would dwell in it and stay sad. So her situation with being “allowed” to stay home and not really move into other things may just perpetuate her depression. I certainly think therapy would help, but her friends should be rallied into trying to visit and get her out of the house. Anything that will get her mind off her father, if even for an hour will help her see that even though it’s terrible her father is gone, that she is alive and there are reasons to be happy. 

Post # 13
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@coconutmellie: PPs have made some great suggestions. Sometimes its a matter of “forcing” her back into the world. Fiance and I had a deal….for 2 hours he could wallow inside all he wanted…but after that…he had to wallow OUT of the house for the same amount of time. He would wander the mall, or take long walks, and it helped. Definitely contact your mom’s friends in the area and have them drop by and take her out and not take “No” for an answer. Make sure it’s somebody with thick skin and won’t give in b/c she will try to convince them that in the house is where she NEEDS to be.

Post # 14
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

I know exactly how she feels as we were all paralyzed when my Mom died, tho she’d had many horrible medical issues for over 30 years, everyone thought we’d be better prepared. Her death was completely unexpected and no matter what anyone tells you, the finality of it doesn’t hit for at least a year or even more. There are days I still go to call my Mom and have to stop myself (and it’s almost 6 years now).

My sisters and I can still cry at the mention of her and all holidays are especially difficult. We try and talk about the good times, but we become so overcome with grief after all this time, we just can’t do it. We still talk about what she did exactly to make us all react this way and miss her so much, but we all know she was such a part of all of our lives it’s like missing a limb now that she isn’t here. I’ve had friends tell me how I was carrying on wasn’t ‘normal’ or that everyone doesn’t have that kind of relationship with their Moms like I had, so for my part, those feelings I couldn’t understand. I’m a grown woman and I still miss my Mom and can’t or won’t apologize to anyone for how I feel. People kept saying it would get easier, but it doesn’t really. It becomes different, but it’s still always there. I wasn’t ready to lose her…I just wasn’t.

Right now your Mom is feeling raw from the emotions that are overwhelming her, and there’s honestly nothing you can do to make it better for her. She’ll come out of it, but she needs to be the one to want to get up and get out and try and move on. It may take her quite awhile to get there, but she will. I know you want to help her right now, but really, calling her and keeping in touch is more important than you know. She may not talk much but you can believe she’s listening.

Don’t force anything on her and especially not her friends and counceling. She probably won’t go and you’ll become frustrated and maybe even annoyed. She really only needs you to accept that she’s grieving and be there when she wants and needs to talk. She will. Just give her time…but it has to be her time, not yours.

Losing a parent can be devastating and no one tells you how to go through it gracefully. It can cripple you and overwhelm you and as dramatic as it sounds, put your whole life on hold. Some people deal with it better than others and can move on more quickly, but it’s evident your Mom can’t. She’ll be OK. Just keep doing what you’re doing and have patience. She’ll be back. Good luck to you!

Post # 15
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

I think she absolutely needs counseling.  She is depressed.  And I think that even though you and your dad are far away, someone needs to take some time off and intervene.  This is a big problem, and it needs to be addressed.

Have you actually told her you’re worried about her and suggested speaking to a professional?  If so, what does she say?

I also agree that you should call her closest friends and rally them.  Tell them what you said here, and have work on this with you.  She needs to not be alone right now in her thoughts.

You’re absolutely right that she shouldn’t be making big life / financial decisions in this state.

My first step would be to call a counselor – if you don’t have a family friend who works in the field, I’d hit the yellow pages.  It might not be a bad idea to see one yourself to help you deal with her changes, and see how you can support her more.

Good luck.

Post # 16
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I know that in some cities, there are government resources you can contact and ask to do a “wellness check” visit with your parents. If they talk to her and your dad, they may be able to recommend counseling. If a professional recommends counseling, she might be more amenable to going.

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