(Closed) my mother's horrible secret

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 137
977 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@TexasSpringBride:  Wow.  What a heartbreaking story.  So happy to hear you pulled through!

Post # 138
959 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@RahlyRah:  Thank you. Im 37 now. I had a very strong support system and the legal system was wondeful. My attackers are still serving their prison sentences. 

I just got a little upset that us poor little rape victims

or in the words of OP junkies or uneducated persons are the only ones have abortions.


Post # 139
288 posts
Helper bee

@TexasSpringBride:   Thank you for sharing your story and putting yourself out there like that. It takes a lot of courage.

Post # 140
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@deserthoneybee:  Everyone has a past, including our parents!  Chances are she’s not too proud of the choices she has made in life.  That said, it’s totally understandable she’s never shared these “secrets” and I’m sure that’s contributed to her faith and the beliefs she has now. 

Post # 141
4517 posts
Honey bee

This really is none of your business and bringing it up could be harmful emotionally to your mother. Everyone has a past and in all honesty you will never know what she had to go through with those abortions.

Post # 142
7038 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m a highly (highly highly) educated woman who has had an abortion. Not sure why people are always so shocked that women can have both an education AND *gasp* an unwanted pregnancy. I was on the pill taking it perfectly, stuff happens. My now husband (*double gasp*!) and I were not ready to be parents. We chose abortion. Our lives have been better for it.

You should look at the stats on who actually is getting abortions – a huge chunk – HUGE – is married highly educated women.  

Post # 143
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I usually don’t pipe up in the more controversial boards but I just wanna say, everyone is being a little harsh to the OP. she’s upset, came to vent and is kinda getting bashed. Everyone is saying she’s being judgmental but aren’t we all being a little judgey about her feelings?! She’s entitled to them and was looking for support. Regardless of your personal beliefs, there is no need to be mean!


OP, I feel for ya. It’s hard to see our parents in a different light. I’d be upset too. And although I’m pro-choice, I’m also pro-better BC methods so I understand your sadness. I dont think bottling it up is gonna do you any good… If you feel you can, approach your mom from an understanding place. I’m sure she’d rather you discuss it with her than harbour resentment. Best of luck! 

Post # 144
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Edit… I didn’t read all the comments so don’t know what went on between original post and my post… And now I wished I kept to my non-controversial wedding related boards!!! Ahhh.

Post # 146
21 posts
  • Wedding: March 2013


I have heard many who find healing by allowing themselves to talk about abortion, either for themselves after they have had one or someone who is affected emotionally by it. You might want to check out some of their resources.

Post # 147
3518 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@deserthoneybee:  I get that it’s a surprise, but I don’t know why it has to be a big deal… they’re just abortions. “Horrible secret” seems a little overdramatic.

Also, maybe they didn’t impact her that much and THAT’S why she doesn’t talk about it. Many people simply feel relief after and move on with their lives. It’s not world-changing fo everyone.

Post # 148
1845 posts
Buzzing bee

Don’t judge her. Just let it go. She is your mother, but she has a right to have secrets and to do things that aren’t in line with your views, or with her views. Children feel this sense of ownership over their parents, and they need to let it go. Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe it wasn’t even a mistake for her to have four children rather than eight. She may have done the right thing.

Post # 149
5317 posts
Bee Keeper

Hmm, I don’t think we should judge other women for this. I would especially suggest you not judge your own mother for this.

You are a child of 4. Imagine you were a child of 8. Let’s assume your mother survived all 8 pregnancies and did not leave your father to be a single father to a family of anywhere from 5 to 8 children.

Your family still has the same amount of money but now there are 8 instead of 4 mouths to feed. Remember when you missed out on owning cool stuff that other kids owned when you were growing up? Yeah, well with 8 kids, unless your family was rich, your family would be far too poor to get you the basic stuff you completely took for granted.

Ever feel like you didn’t get as much attention from your mom or dad as you wanted? Ever feel forgotten? Now imagine you had 7 other siblings instead of 3, and your parents also had many more money woes. How much attention do you think you would have received?

Post # 150
5317 posts
Bee Keeper

@Chrysoberyl:  It got started to discourage women from having abortions. Many women who are in a position to consider abortion do want children, but the circumstances of the conception at hand are not right. Fear that this is their only chance and their reproductive organs will be damaged may cause them to carry out a pregnancy that they otherwise would not have.

Some people think instilling false fear is an appropriate tactic to get people to do what they want. I am not a fan of those people.

Post # 151
6375 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

… to everyone who is saying that OP shouldn’t judge her Mum… er… equally then maybe you shouldn’t judge OP for being upset?

Also, much as we like to deny it, there IS a link between abortion and levels of education. OP isn’t wrong. In fact, I looked into this just yesterday because I was interested. My implant was malfunctioning and needed replacing, but when I went to the doctor then they gave me a prescription and told me to make another appointment to get it replaced. When I have had previous implants, they have just taken one from their stock in the back and given me one there and then. I wondered why this was, and then I wondered if it was because I was now living in a poorer area, where people had lower levels of education.

Here’s the logic. In the UK, we are educated about condoms and the pill in schools. Both can be given out by the school nurse, or in free clinics, to anyone over the age of 12. Therefore, even the least educated people understand about these methods. Other methods, like implants or IUDs, are usually only used by more educated people who have read up on the subject (therefore, there is only call to keep a stock in if you have lots of educated patients who ask for them). Implants and IUDs are more effective at preventing pregnancy in the long term, because you only have to commit to the process every few years. With condoms and the pill, you have to commit to using birth control either every time you have sex, or every day, respectively. People also make mistakes… they don’t realise you can’t take antibiotics with the pill, they buy the wrong sized condoms, they don’t check the expiry date, they wear false nails and use condoms… the list goes on.

As less educated people tend to use less reliable methods of contraception (remember that condoms are 98% effective only if used properly, and many people don’t do this!), they tend to have more unwanted pregnancies, and therefore more abortions. The government has also realised this, and started a campaign to educate the masses about different forms of birth control about two years ago.

…. now, none of this means that educated women do not have abortions. I’m just saying that there’s no point jumping down OP’s throat about it. I feel that there are a lot of people on this thread who are trying to justify their own decisions by telling OP that it’s none of her business what her Mum does. But that’s not the point. It’s none of OP’s business what YOU GUYS do. It is her business what her MOTHER does, because she feels that this is an issue which reflects upon her relationship with her mother. Nobody here is judging PPs for having or not having abortions (I hope), but OP is probably sat there wondering what on earth everyone else’s experiences have to do with her!

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