(Closed) My mother’s unreasonable request…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

Wow. That sounds tough! I think you should do what you want to do no matter what. Your mom will respect that no matter what. If she gets upset about it maybe have the girl do guestbook or candle lighting or a reading? Something so she’s not totally excluded so you both get what you want. If you don’t want that at all then I guess the best advice I have is to pick your battles.  =/ Not very good advice, but it’s all I got. I’m sure you’ll do the right thing, but I’m kinda thinking that the girl will probably say yes to your mom’s request to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. I hope it works out! Keep us posted! Good luck!

Post # 5
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

What about making her a junior bridesmaid instead? she gets the dress and the walk down the aisle, but sits down in the front row instead of standing with your cousin, and you can have her in a few (but not all) of the photos.

Otherwise, what are some other minor ceremony roles that England DOES have that you might be able to include her in to appease your mother? Maybe she could help arrange your train as you move through the ceremony, or pass out programs, help seat elderly guests, read a scripture or poem during or before the ceremony, etc.

A compromise may be the most painfree way to deal with this situation, as annoying as it is to have her there! I bet you’re right though — I’m sure she has no more interest in being in your wedding than you have in asking her to be. Hope Mom comes around soon. :/

Post # 7
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I find this bizarre too. But then I find many mothers’ requests when it comes to weddings bizarre 🙂 Can this girl be an usher? Sorry we’re not familiar with English customs so can’t be more helpful in thinking of alternatives! The other option might be to just run away and get married someplace no one can tell you what to do, if you get the feeling this isn’t the last of your mother’s odd requests 🙂

Post # 8
32 posts
  • Wedding: July 2010

Bottom line, it’s your wedding- regardless of who’s paying for it- and you should have who you want as an attendant. I understand trying to appease your mother but you clearly feel very strongly about not having this girl in your wedding- so don’t. 


Post # 9
3576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with lalalandTN.  She’s right, it IS your wedding regardless of who is paying.  Also, since you and your FH were NOT invited to this girl’s Bat Mitzvah, why in heaven’s name would she be in your wedding?

You need to discuss this with your mom asap. 

Post # 10
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Just tell your mum NO, no matter if she gets mad at the moment (she’ll get over it)!!  Just cry back to her stating why you don’t want her in it, I know you mentioned that you told her, but this time CRY.  The crying worked for you when she asked you cause you said yes!  maybe she’ll soon get your point and understand that in the end it is YOUR wedding!  I’m sure you can find something else for the girl to do! 

Post # 11
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Put your foot down, threaten to elope, do what you have to do to get your way. Also, just because it isn’t customary to have someone do a reading a a your wedding in England, doesn’t mean you can’t do it. That’s the great thing about it being YOUR wedding. It’s not customary to have two matrons of honor here either, but I do! I think a reading would be a great compromise.

Post # 12
940 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I agree with the previous member.  If your mom is intent on paying because of how the alternative would make her look, then she’s going to pay whether you have this woman or not as your bridesmaid.

Stories like this make my stomach hurt.  It’s your wedding.  Think of what you would advise if your cousin came to you with this dilemma.  Then take your own advice.

Post # 13
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

From what you’ve said, I think you’re going about this the wrong way. It sounds like you’ve been the one explaining and cajoling your mom to see things your way. You should be making *her* explain and convince *you*.  I think you should talk with your mom again and say what you’ve said here: “This is really upsetting me. I don’t want to have this girl in the wedding because XYZ, so I am saying ‘NO’, unless you explain to me why it’s so important to you. I can’t understand why you are forcing this on me.”  See what she says to that. And if it doesn’t satisfy you, tell her No.

I can tell that having your mom involved in important to both of you and that you don’t want to upset her. Here’s the problem though: your mom told you she “has given in over everything”.  She should be *happy* to give in to what you want. Paying for your wedding should be a gift and an experience to share, not a way to get what she wants or put on a show. If this was my situtation, I’d tell my mother that I love her, but my wedding is about my marriage and being comfortable with who is part of it. I would say that if she wants to “put something on”, she’s welcome to throw a huge party post-wedding, but hubby and I are going to do something small that we can afford ourselves.

I know that stance is probably not usually taken where you are from, but at a certain point you have to decide what’s more important (and letting your mother be happier could certainly be more important).

Good luck! I hope this all works out for everyone involved.

Post # 14
2344 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Tell her no. This is ridiculous and unfair. This is YOUR wedding, not hers! If she wants to make it hers, then I would refuse her “gift” of paying for it.

Post # 16
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree this is nuts. I don;t know you or your temperment. I would scream, yell, put my foot down, threaten to call the friend and cause a scene. I refuse to be blackmailed by my mother over anything. In the end I would let your mother know that if she asks, you will be writing the girl and her mother a polite letter telling them there has been some confusion and unfortunately you have already filled your attendant positions. This will be awkward and embarrassing for her, and probably end up causing unnecessary hurt feelings in a 15 year old. Stand you ground, get mad if you need to. But don’t let her trample over your expressed wishes.


Good luck. 

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