Post # 1
She wants to control how I break the news of my pregnancy to my extended family AND was angry that I did not want to attend a special party to break the news to her new step-daughters (I have known them for just longer than a year and while they seem nice, I don’t know them very well or have much in common).
Just for the record- I wanted to invite everyone to a very informal belated engagement party (a number of my close female friends have been overseas for a year with no celebration yet even though we got engaged a year ago) and announce there. My mother was no keen on this idea- pointing out that I wouldn’t be telling ‘special’ people in a ‘personal way’ And that the one or two delay until an engagement party wasnt feasible.. She suggested that my fiancé and i come to her house this weekend and, with her new husband,- start calling people together. She was called by her new husband’s sister in a similar way with news of a different pregnancy only a couple of months ago.
To be a peacemaker, I said I’d discuss this idea with my fiancé and speak to her again. She called back and suggested what we all finish the afternoon with an informal BBQ at their house near the pool ( it’s summer down under) with my brothers and my new step-sisters and their families Thus giving me an opportunity to tell my step-sisters in a special celebration. ( my brothers already know)
I suggested that we invite some very close family friends to this ‘party’ as well and that we could hold it somewhere other than her house(ie a park with a BBQ) so she doesn’t have to cater for more guests. My fiancé was agreeable but hesitant with this plan as he knows my mother.
First, she said that I sounded hesitant to tell people and should sit on the plan for twenty-four hours. I did this – and she said that she doesn’t understand why I don’t just want a special ‘family’ night. Then she said did I really have to have the close family friends’ adult children (2 adults and 2 children). Then she asked me why I don’t want to celebrate just with our family – and got angry that I had told my grandfather without her that I was pregnant.
Her anger escalated- as I tried to delicately say that I am increasingly warming to my stepsisters but am not very close to them yet- she just got more upset. In the end I had to spell out that while they were her ‘family’ and she considers herself a grandparent to their children- I don’t know them very well enough to be excited about a special party just to tell them- which is why I suggested also having some close family friends. I did say that I did not consider them my family – which I partially regret but does reflect the fact that I don’t know them!
in the end, she feels that I have rejected her kind offer and wants me to continue my pregnancy unsupported. I have already messaged and called to try and defuse the situation – but she now is just saying that I am the rudest, most selfish and most ungrateful daughter in the world And I am rejecting my new sisters who will have lots of advice for me as one is a parent herself.
tell me- am I the world’s worst daughter? What should I do?
Post # 3
No, your mom is being an unreasonable jerk. My parents don’t seem to get that yes, they married someone but no, that doesn’t automatically make us a family. I don’t know what to do, but I hear you.
Post # 4
At the end of the day it is your and your fiance’s decision. How old are you? I would throw the party that your planned and announce your news the way you want to.
Don’t be surprised if your mother has not already announced it.
Post # 5
Jeez. Your Mom gets points for wanting to throw you a congratulatory celebration. As the hostess, she technically does get select the guests, but you certainly don’t have to agree to the party if it doesn’t sound like fun to you.
If it were me, I’d plan something for family and friends independent of whatever your Mom wants to do.
As for your “rejection” of your step-family, I think she has totally blown that out of proportion. Blending families is hard, and given that all of the “kids” seem to be adults with their own children, etc an expectation of instant closeness is completely unrealistic on her part.
You are not the worst, most selfish daughter ever. That honorific goes to Lizzie Borden or maybe Miley Cyrus.
Congrats on the baby!
Post # 6
Your pregnancy your decision along with your Fiance not your Mom’s decision. She needs to deal with it
Post # 7
For one, I’d expect way, way, worse behavior from you (or anyone else) for your own mother to abandon you when you’re pregnant–even if it is just posturing. That’s completely hurtful and immature. She’s going to be your child’s grandmother and it’s a special time for you–she should be happy and supportive!
Two, if you are pregnant and getting married, I’m assuming you’re not 12. And your mom’s new family is ‘new,’ right? Wanting your children to get along is one thing, but to force it, especially when your daughter is about to start her own family and especially when your step-family is newish, is weird–ie, sure, y’all can get along, but once you guys are grown up, she’s not going to be the matriarch of her own sitcom brood. You’ve moved on.
And finally, this isn’t a moment that demonstrates you are rejecting her or your step-siblings; it’s just how you’d prefer to tell people. It’s not appropriate for your mother (or anyone) to say, “You must announce YOUR pregnancy in the way that *I* want you to.”
I’m sure that your mom just wants you to get along with her new stepkids. If you find a way to convince her that you don’t dislike them and that you WILL make an effort to get to know them–just not by way of pregnancy announcement–then that might pacify her.
Post # 8
Someone needs to calmly explain to your mom that it takes time to blend a family. She can’t force you to have instant feelings for her new family members.
Post # 9
My Fiance and I have dated for 3 years and during this time I have become very close to his sister. We talk almost daily and see each other at least once a month. I consider her a very close friend- we truly like each other!
My brother met and married a girl within 5 months. I was her bridesmaid and met her at the dress rehearsal.
My mother is CONSTANTLY comparing my relationship to FI’s sister to SIL. I need time, just like I did with FI’s sis, to form a relationship. Just like you do! It doesn’t happen just because our moms want it to.
When Michael and I got engaged guess what? I ran off and told his sis, and later on told SIL. Just like uou want to tell your close fam your good news. I think your mom should be happy you’re being so open to including them
Post # 10
@BothCoasts: I’m a doctor! I’m 28! My fiancé is 34! I have lived out of home for more than 7 years! She drives me crazy!
Thank you so much everyone for your kind words!!!!!! I am so frustrated!!!
Post # 11
Um. No. Just no. It’s YOUR child, YOUR decision in how / when / where to share the news. You and your FI’s decision alone. I can’t even believe the manipulation she’s trying to pull on you?!? Stay strong. She’ll come around, If you cave on this, it sends the message this this behavior is okay. Then who knows what other crap she’s going to try to pull and which other ways she’s going to try to control you and your baby’s life.
Sorry you’re going through this!
Post # 13
Wow, just wow. Your mom is a peice of work. She certainly seems hell bent on making this all about her. And ‘threatening’ not to support you because you don’t want to tell people in her manner is simply a toddler having a tantrum. I would call her bluff. Kindly let her know you love her and are excited for the pregnancy, but as the parents, you and your Fiance will make the decisions related to the baby/child. If she can’t get support you because of that, you are very sorry that your child won’t know his/her grandmother, but that is ultimately her choice. Additionally, this has nothing to do with your personal relationship with your step-sisters, this is her trying to control that relationship and the situation. Again, making it all about her.
Post # 14
@polly-pocket: just blurt it out to the stepsisters… no party nothing fancy…. This is YOUR pregnancy… Do it YOUR way!! Personally I’d tell your close friends first… Chances are once the beans get spilt the news will end up on facebook which is a complete nightmare… Trust me!!!
we were really lucky with our timing… We were able to tell DH’s parents and gosh the majority of his dad’s side of the family at Thanksgiving… Mother-In-Law hosts a dinner and anyone who wants can come… This year there had to be 50+ people! We’re Catholic so we always say grace before each meal so Darling Husband being the eldest son volunteered (completely normal)… And he said the typical “bless us oh lord…” And then at the End we add personal blessings so he said “Bless our friends and family near and far who couldn’t join us tonight… And bless my unborn child due this June”… It was absolutely perfect… Everyone freaked out! Everyone cried! It was just how I had imagined it…. You deserve for it to be how YOU imagined it!!
Post # 15
Oh wow,what a shitty situation for you.
i know how i would be if this were my mum and i really wanted to be nice aswell as stand my ground!
”hi mum,just to let you know that me and Fiance have made our final decision regarding our baby announcement and have decided to go for the bbq in the park. i am soooo excited! i hope that stepsisters and their families can join us in our celebration so that we can further get to know each other and bond a bit more,ill let you know the dates as soon as they are verified”
ETA sorry,i only just realised after writing this post that you have tried to speak with her and have gotten nowhere. to call you what she did was uncalled for,not true and,frankly manipulative. i think i would still say what i have,give the dates and see if she shows up
Post # 16
Why do you need a party to tell people you are pregnant? I got lost on that. This all seems like drama that doesn’t even need to exist, just pick up the phone and tell people like the rest if the world does?