Post # 31
OP, it doesn’t sound to me like your mother hates your Fiance. Not to play internet doctor, but it genuinely sounds like your mother has some serious mental health issues. She is damaging to your self esteem and your relationship with her is not healthy for you. You would be better off focusing on your relationship with your Fiance and distancing yourself from your mother as much as possible. Your Fiance is going to make an awesome husband, and your mom is messed up.
Post # 32
I agree with silvergrey
And I think it might help you to get support here:
Post # 33
When I get home I’ll take a picture and send it to you. How it works is it divides people up by height, weight and physical measurements (waist, bust, hips). That gives you a ‘dressing room’ section of the book to flip to, and then he writes out what things work and don’t work for your size and shape with example drawings. So for instance, I’m an average height, average build pear shape. So the clothes that look best on me emphasize the fact my waistline is far more slim than my hips, and help put some interest at the shoulders to balance out my thicker bottom. Structured blazers are awesome, so are those 1950’s dresses. If I was a tall inverted triangle (thicker man shoulders) I would want to have wide halter style straps to kind of ‘cut’ the space between my neck and the tip of my shoulders.
Post # 34
It’s astonishing how everyone who goes through this feels like they’re alone, that no one will understand, and that maybe *they’re* the crazy one because they’ve been manipulated and gaslighted into feeling helpless and guilty since infancy.
Once you know the signs it’s a clear pattern, though, and it gets repeated again and *again* for everyone who is in that situation. The details are different, of course, but the underlying motives and behaviours are the same. Try to remember that none of this was ever your fault. In some ways it’s not even your mother’s and grandmother’s fault — like a person who is colourblind they lack the ability to see other people as discrete entities worthy of care and respect. There’s a gaping void inside them instead of the core of self that a normal person has. That said pity and attempts to help are wasted — people with personality disorders can only be helped if they seek it out themselves. The only viable course of action is to look after yourself and your other loved ones.
Regarding children I appreciate what you’re saying but just the fact that you’re thinking of their potential wellbeing by considering not having them means you’re not disordered and wouldn’t repeat the pattern, particularly if you have a therapist’s help to deal with any accidental behavioural carry over. I can promise you your mother and grandmother never thought of anyone but themselves and their own desires — you are no where near the same. That said maybe children aren’t the right thing for you, but it’s not something you should automatically rule out because of your past.
Unfortunately I don’t think there’s anything you can do to prevent your mother trashing your wedding planning. Of course she’s going bonkers — things aren’t going the way she wants them to! You’re not letting her control you and it’s not all about *her*! That’s world-ending to a narcissist. Your only option is to limit contact, or cut her out completely. You can still invite her to the wedding but you don’t need her involvement and histrionics during planning. While that means you unfortunately won’t have that once in a lifetime mother/daughter wedding planning experience to share you sadly wouldn’t have that any way. She’d see to that with some sort of machinations to wreck everything.
If you’re worried about her pitching a scene at the wedding make it plain to her that if she kicks up a fuss she’ll be asked to leave. Recruit a couple of trusted friends or family members to enforce that. If she knows you mean it she’ll behave.
Again, I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this. Hopefully everything will improve and you’ll have the wonderful wedding and happy life afterwards that you so richly deserve. 🙂
Post # 35
Your mom is an abusive bitch and you seriously need to CEASE having contact with her. She doesn’t love you, she hates you, she abuses you in the worst ways possible. I would disinvite her from the wedding and cut ALL the relationship.
If you’re planning kids I would not let that woman near them.
Post # 36
“our relationship has never been amazing (because I’ve always had to hide who I really am from her and she projects what she always wanted for herself onto me)”
Wow, if I could have written a post like this, it would sound so similar. We don’t choose our family do we? My mom hates everyone I date and also has hateful emotional illogical outbursts like yours. It has really done a number on me throughout my life. But now that I am an adult, I can limit my contact with her. That is what I would recommend. For your own sanity.
My mom has said some horrible horrible things about my SO and he is seriously the best man I have ever dated. Just an amazing guy through and through. But she is an elitist, and he is not good enough for me because he doesn’t make boatloads of money and doesn’t spend it all on me. Her opinions are her own.
And my decisions are mine to make. Don’t let her bully you.
Post # 37
You should tell those hateful bitches to fuck off and get out of your life. What horrible women they are. Neither one of them should’ve had children if this is how they treat them.
Your mom doesn’t like him because he doesn’t control, hurt you or treat you like shit. She needs to always feel superior to you for some sick twisted reason. If she was my mom, I would’ve knocked her the fuck out long ago.
Sorry to sound cruel but what i just read angered me greatly for you. Hugs
Post # 38
Bees, again, I am so grateful to hear from all of you and your very supportive responses. I got some courage from posting here and hearing the support so I told my two closest friends as they will be in my wedding party and have agreed to keep an eye on my mum. They were shocked.
I had a chat with my brother as well and he says that he has experienced my mother’s behaviour but not to the same degree as me. He called her and told her that it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t like Fiance and that she is making my wedding all about her. Had I said that to her, she would have gone berserk. My brother also agreed, for lack of a better word, to babysit her at the wedding and take her outside if she becomes aggressive or shows negative behaviour.
@RoseDaisyLily I’m sorry you’ve got through a similar experience but as I mentioned before, I’m so grateful someone else knows what I am going through. As @silvergrey mentioned, it is strange how when we go through things like this we do feel so completely alone.
As some of you have said, cutting her out seems like a good plan. I feel like I need to just leave things as they are until after the wedding. If I cut her out before, she will wage war. She likes to pit everyone against eachother so the wedding would be only drama and she gets what she wants.
And Fiance and I agreed that she will not get to be alone with our children if we have any.
Post # 39
Im glad you figured out a solution, i wouldnt be so graceful, i would have uninvited her.
I really hope your wedding is perfect, what matters the most is that you’re marrying the love of your life <3
Post # 40
Are we sisters? My mom is exactly this way as well and it’s really shitty. I wore a size 18 wedding dress and my mom said I should lose about 100 lbs to be pretty for my wedding day. She hates my husband. Hates him and makes no pretense about it. It’s an awful situation.
Advice: sometimes the toxic people in your life are the people who should love you most. Cut her out as much as you’re able and shut down her crap early and often. If she charges on with it, remove yourself from the situation. There have have been many visits that I’ve had to cut short because of my mother and she’s finally getting that it will no longer stand. I hope you’re able to navigate this with grace and strength, OP.
Post # 41
Im sorry youre going through this and i APPLAUD you for seeking therapy. Your mom wants you to be alone, fat, and miserable. She wants you to dump your fiance, and once you’re married-trust me,the comments will still come.
All you can do is be you. When you are around her say “Do not talk about my husband (once you’re marreid) or I will walk out this door.” and do it. Don’t give her a reaction, and if she keeps making you miserable see her less. Once you geet married, your husband is your family. You can now start your own family unit and decide what kind of life you want and that you DESERVE (a good one!). Good luck
Post # 42
I’m so very sorry you have gone through a similar situation. I’m sure you looked fabulous on your wedding day. It’s extremely difficult because she is my mother and I even feel guilty posting about her on here. I’ve never told anyone about her behaviour until now. How did you find your mother’s behaviour changed after the wedding? Did the attacks ease up or was she just as bad as before?
And yet again, thank you Bees for the support. It really means the world to me right now.
Post # 43
it’s gotten worse as she realizes how happy and independent I am. I go to visit every 4-6 months because that’s as often as I can handle her. It’s sad because that also means I sacrifice precious time with my younger sister who’s only 11. I find it better for my mental strength, though, to keep my distance when I’m able. She was just fine on my wedding day, if that gives you any hope. She puts on a kind face in public and destroys me behind closed doors, so surrounded by people on our wedding day, she was wonderful and picture perfect (literally since she did our photography). Didn’t stop her from digging at my weight during portraits though. Comments like “I should take all of these from above you, it makes you look thin.” We’re made throughout my pictures.
Post # 44
Really pleased to hear that you have spoken to people and that your brother is being supportive. I hope that your mother learns to control her behaviour and you can have a proper relationship with her.