Post # 1
So…my oldest sister just had a son, he is the first grandchild in the family and therefore clearly a big deal. My parents are both obsessed and to be honest I do feel a tad that my wedding has taken a bit of a back seat to his birth. Anyways, they made an effort not to be that way so I dont hold a grudge. My sister made a comment a few weeks ago that she was looking for something special for him to wear since it will be his big introduction to the family. I was immediately upset – i didn’t know what to say so I just said “children are still up in the air – so far only children in the wedding are invited to the reception”. The situation died down.
Recently she asked me again if he could be there and I said no. She seemed put off but didnt ask why or anything. My mother was furious, however when I explained to her that this is my wedding day and the one day i want to be selfish and have all attention on me. I dont want my sister taking it as an opportunity to make it all about her son (which she would – seriously I imagine it like lion king her holding her son up from standing on a chair at my cocktail hour). My mom understood and said that was reasonable.
Now my sister is like “well I want him in pictures”. I replied by saying she could have the sitter bring him up to the off site location we’ll be taking pictures at between the ceremony and reception. To which she said “and then they have to take him home, they cant even stay for the cocktail hour” – I was furious and said “no”. She is guilting me about it now. I have be kind enough to let her have her mother in law bring him to the brunch the following morning where he will get to me family and out of town guests. And she responded with “but eveyone wont be there” I finally got nasty and said “yes, thats correct, people who live here will not be invited as it is for OOT’s and family only – however really if they live here and haven’t made an effort to come see him yet are they really worth fighting over your sister about?” And she stormed out and said I was self centered.
Am I wrong? I dont feel like I am….
Post # 3
(which she would – seriously I imagine it like lion king her holding her son up from standing on a chair at my cocktail hour)
this made me laugh.
At first I though you were being a little over the top but when reading further it really seems like she wants to use the platform to introduce her son . Which is sweet but not the time and the place , and I think she should have dropped it the first few times you said no.
Post # 4
@jboltz19: You’re not wrong, but you’re not right either. If you don’t want him in pictures or at the wedding/dinner, that’s certainly your perogative, but I think you could have communicated more diplomatically with your sister. I also don’t think having a nephew at your wedding will in any way steal your thunder. (I say this with nephew who is an only grandchild and therefore rather accustomed to be being the center of attention perspective as well, who will most definitely be invited to the wedding and reception). I would suggest that you consider a compromise and invite him to the rehearsal dinner so that he can meet folks, without taking away from your day.
Post # 5
You certainly don’t have to invite any guest you don’t want in attendance, regardless of age. However, even if everything is within the guidelines of etiquette it can still cause hurt feelings.
Only you can decide if your desire for a child-free wedding over-rides the fall out from the family for not inviting him.
Post # 6
I personally find it extremely weird you don’t want your own nephew at your wedding. How old is he? I’d be very upset if I was your sister and expected to leave the baby all day. Is she in the wedding party? I think having someone take him aside for the ceremony if you’re worried about crying would be reasonable. I don’t understand the whole “thunder stealing” thing at all brides get upset about. My nephew was 3 weeks old at my wedding and I bought him a super cute outfit for the occasion, I was super excited to have him and all the other babies there.
Post # 7
You can only oohh and aaww over a baby for so long. If they have someone to watch him during the ceremony, so he isn’t crying, and then pass him around for a little while during the reception it shouldn’t interfere to much with your day. Chances are, he will be sleeping most of the time and people can only be so entertained by a sleeping baby. You know that at least half the people (the non-baby relatives) there probably won’t be making a fuss at all. If your sister is anything like most moms of a young infant, she’ll probably be exhausted herself an hour into your reception and leave early.
Post # 8
@kay01: I did attempt to compromise and thats why I did tell my sister he could come for pictures between the ceremony and reception – I simply said no to her telling her babysitters (neighbor couple) that they could also come for the cocktail hour. She thought it would be a nice way to thank them for bringing him. Also, I invited him to the brunch the morning after the wedding. She has not asked about the rehearsal dinner but that would not bother me either.
Honestly, I would not have worried about it had she not said specifically that she was looking forward to making it his introduction to our family and friends. It seemed to me (and has been further validated by her comments) that she was looking to use this as an grand occassion for him to be a focal point. As with all families there are political struggles within our small family. We had many fights about my not spending enough time on her pregnancy (not sure what more I was supposed to do) yet she did not do anything for my shower and when I have asked her to help me out in little ways (like I asked her to print the programs, nothing fancy just a sheet of paper or when I asked if she could pick up some stuff at costco for the Out of Town bags – like 2 items) the response is “I have a child now, I am too busy – you dont understand”
Ok sorry I rambled….done now!
Post # 9
I don’t think it’s your sister’s right to decide whether her kid comes to your wedding or not. You’re the bride, and babies are loud/unpredictable. During no part of the day is the purpose of things introducing her baby to people–the point is celebrating you and your husband. I was in a similar boat with my cousin (who was angry that her TRIPLETS had to sit outside of the ceremony room) and I think you should fully exert your right to being the center of attention on your big day!
Post # 10
@7-9-11bride: i think different families have different family politics. My sister is extrememly competitive with me for some reason, always have been. She put a picture of him out at my bridal shower so family friends could see. Its not about my trying to keep thunder its about me keeping her from doing something to steal it which will bother me.
She is in the wedding, as is her husband. So aside from having her babysitter also attend I dont see how she could come and be in the wedding and what not with a 4 month old.
Post # 11
while i dont think you are completely wrong, i think your reasoning is a little selfish (though you admitted that) There is no way you would compete with a baby at your own wedding. To be completely honest you will be too busy with everything else to even notice who is holding or ooing and awwing over that baby. you will have wayy too many things to do and people to entertain.
with that said….I was really glad my sister didnt bring my nephew to my wedding – BUT it was because i wanted her to enjoy herself and celebrate with me and the rest of the bridal party (she was my partner in crime during my single days ). I love my nephew to death, seriously, he is the best thing that has happened to our family! (he is also the first grandchild) and i would have never told her he couldnt come. I kinda wish he was in my wedding pictures now that i think about it.
BUT with her being in the wedding party, it was best for everyone that he wasnt there, she wouldnt have been able to enjoy herself nearly as much and as Maid/Matron of Honor she had some duties she wouldnt have been able to do with a baby there.
couldnt she bring her son to the rehearsal? thats what my sister did, that way our extended family and oot guests could still meet him for the first time.
Post # 12
@pinkpaperbride: thank you, thats exactly how I feel. I have been to so many weddings where babies scream during the ceremony (which is bound to happen) and its fine when the people do the right thing – but I have also seen people not calm their children or excuse themselves when a baby screams during a wedding ceremony. I have asked each of my family/friends bringing children to please have a backup plan in case the kids get fussy. Our current problem is with the ring bearer and his little sister, they are FI’s niece/nephew and so far there only plan is for their grandpa (father of groom) to leave with them….what is wrong with people? Come up with a plan for your kids that does not involve the father of the groom leaving the ceremony!!!!!
Post # 13
I think that considering both her and her husband are in the wedding party, it’s not unreasonable to want her to get a babysitter. If she was just attending as a guest, then I would probably tell you to let it go and let her bring her son.
I am having an adult-only wedding, with the exception of our neices and nephews, so I know where you are coming from (to an extent)
I think that if she wants to have her son in the photos so bad, she should figure out a way to get him there and back with the babysitter, without the babysitters attending cocktail hour. So she’s thanking her babysitters on your dime? That wouldn’t sit well with me. Hope it all works out!
Post # 14
I guess I personally feel at a night-time “traditional” reception with dinner and drinking and loud music babies are a bit out of place. I would want my nephew in pictures and would probably have him at the ceremony only and not the reception. As for the baby getting all the attention, I don’t think anything is going to compare to people craning their necks to get a view of you in your gown for the first time.
Were you rude? I would say no, you gave your answer and giving an answer that the other person doesn’t want doesn’t equal rude.
Post # 15
I honestly couldn’t imagine telling either of my sisters that their children were not welcome at my wedding/reception.
I don’t really care about what the circumstances are for this to be honest. It seems just wrong in my opinion. Family and your very own nephew should be included.
ETA: I am all kinds of bitchy today so I’m not trying to be super nasty if I came off that way. I just don’t agree. So, sorry for being any kind of nasty if I was. **Goes to get Chocolate**
Post # 16
you have every right to not want a baby at your wedding. it’s your wedding day, not their time to introduce the baby to everyone. Afterall, I’m sure you didn’t bring a baby to their wedding. (haha)
I don’t understand why people feel so entitled about their children. Even if it was family, I wouldn’t bring my kid to a wedding. It’s an adult event.