(Closed) My nephew…was I rude?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 32
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I know you realize that by posting this you are asking for opinions….but you may not like mine. 

I ‘d be parading my new nephew around my own wedding in a flash. I’d have him attached to me for the brunt of the reception going from guest to guest to show off how cute and amazing he is. I’d be so proud to have him there to share my day, so proud to look back on those photos and see his little face. 

I can’t imagine banning a little baby from a wedding reception because I’m scared he might take some of the focus off myself. I think if I felt that way I might be too immature to even get married. 

Post # 33
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I felt the same way, but we ended up having my niece (3 at the time) and cousin (6 at the time) as fgs, and our nephews (5 and 5 months at the time) in the wedding. Our older nephew pulled a wagon with the little one in it, and it was adorable!! Also, his cousin brought her daughter, who was about 8 months at the time. I was adamant that I didn’t want kids there, but in the end, I just dealt with it. And you know what? The little ones got some ADORABLE pictures taken, and did not steal the show. But then again, the family had already met them and while they were so cute, they totally did not steal the show.

Just wanted to put my 2 cents in there. Ultimately though, its your decision. Just make sure that you and your Fiance have a united front on whatever you guys decide to do

Post # 34
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

@MrsPuddingface: THIS I agree with. I can’t ever imagine not including family children,no matter what the age. Do brides think that all 100+ people will surround them at all times at their weddings just to give them all their attention? Forget it. Doesn’t happen.

 And what’s with a reception being such an ‘adult event’? Guess that means you’ll never have a backyard BBQ or people over for dinner where you have loud music, alcohol and food either? No wine for Thanksgiving or Christmas, I guess, especially if you have a few kids present. Please.

Post # 36
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am so glad that someone else had this problem too. My Future Sister-In-Law had the first grandson of the family in Feb. He will be a 1yr and 7 months when we get married and he is not invited to my wedding. One reason is that she and her husband are in our wedding party. Secondly, I have been to too many weddings watching children run around, scream and cry during moments that are supposed to be special to you and the groom. My Future Sister-In-Law and I had to have a “sit-down” discussioin about it because she was really hurt that I didn’t want my future nephew at the wedding. I explained to her that on my wedding day I want a calm enviornment, I also told her it has nothing to do about whether or not I feel that he is a good child or whether she is a good mother, it has everything to do with the fact that I want her, her husband, and her family to have a great time enjoying the open bar and DJ and not to have to worry about taking care of an almost 2 yr. old.

I will also say this, it is YOUR day. Not hers. I am one of three sisters and there is nothing quite like sibiling rivalry. She wants to be the center of attention at your day. I think you are totally reasonable by having him in pictures and at the brunch the next day. Your family should be the most important people for her to show your nephew to and this might be one of those things that you just say “I am sorry if you are hurt but this is the way it is”.  Just my opinion.

Post # 38
Member
3460 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@jboltz19: As the PP said – its also about me wanting my sister and Brother-In-Law to enjoy the night and have fun with the rest of the bridal party, not sit in a chair all night holding their child.

Alas, one cannot force people to enjoy themselves.  At the end of the day, you cannot control whether she will have more fun dancing sans child, or sitting in the chair holding the baby.  She might be worrying about the babysitter (particularly considering the age of the baby) or about the cost of the babysitter, or something else.  You believe she will have more fun dancing, but neither you nor her know for certain until that time comes and a strong argument can be made that the individual in question has a better take on what they might enjoy than you will.  (At the very least, if she is angry enough, she has the power to refuse to have fun and sulk the night away.)  At the end of the day, it’s your party, however, so you do get to determine who is invited even if not how they spend their time.  Just please don’t tell her that it’s for her own good – I never liked it as a child when my mother told me that about eating my vegetables after all, and I can’t imagine many adults appreciate it!

Post # 39
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@jboltz19:You know your family best.  YOU do what is best for the circumstances.  

Also, our kids WERE invited to an evening wedding.  We chose to not take them because of the distance (1.5+ hour drive to and from depending on traffic) and we didn’t want to worry about having to corral them.  So, we left them with my parents and enjoyed a night out.

However, our kids were 4 and 7 at the time.  Not quite certain what my opinion would be if there was a 5-month old involved….  It’s a 50-50 chance my Fiance would insist on us having a night out, sans-children, lol.

Post # 40
Member
955 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Just because you don’t want him at the reception does not make you a bad person/ aunt. It is your choice and I think you have made the right one for you…not everyone will agree but o-well. I hate that people assume that when you don’t want kids at a reception it means you must hate kids in general. We had an adults only wedding ceremony and reception and I love kids, I went to school to be a preschool teacher and I want atleast 3 kids of my own. In most cases I don’t think one has anything to do with the other. 

Post # 41
Member
7310 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I think there is some middle ground that can be found here. While your wedding is about you, it is also about joining 2 families together. And yet you are explicitly leaving your nephew out of it while inviting other childdren? Something seems off about that. What if you provide on-site childcare so that someone can watch the little guy during the ceremony while your Bro and SIL stand up for you, and then they can be treunited with their baby later. I mean, you are asking something of them, and should be willing to give in return.

My nephew will be 20 months old for our formal evening wedding, and he will be the most adorable person in sight. I can’t wait to see him looking exceptionally adorable in his little man clothes! I adore him to no end and could not imagine getting married without him there.

That said, he is 20 months old and may need time away from the gathering. My SIL is my Maid/Matron of Honor, so we intentionally did not schedule my brother for any role in the wedding. That way, if need be, he can step away with my nephew. We also hired a babysitter to be at the venue to take care of my nephew once it is bedtime. We are paying for the sitter and the suite where they are staying so that my bro and SIL can enjoy themselves because they matter to us. Our wedding doesn’t mean we have the right to exclude immediate family or impose a hardship upon them. If we want them to spend time away from their child, we should pony up the money to make that happen. And having my family present and enjoying themselves is well worth the cost of a sitter and a suite.

I think you may need to look at what really matters and remind yourself that these people are their to share the love and support you, not serve you.

Post # 42
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

This is a tough call.  I can’t imagine myself doing something like this, but then again, your sister sounds a bit extreme.  Me personally, I wouldn’t want to leave my 5 month old baby with a sitter.  I’m not a mother yet, but I can imagine myself being paranoid.  The baby would be in a carrier/stroller the whole time basically and would probably be sleeping a lot.  This is immediate family, so I wouldn’t make this call.  I would want my sister to enjoy herself without having anything to worry about that night, but I would still give her the choice.  Your reasoning does sound selfish to be honest… I don’t see a baby stealing your thunder THAT much.  I can’t stand when people think it’s only THEIR day… it’s a celebration of family and friends, otherwise you wouldn’t have family and friends there, it would just be you two.. I’d be pretty ticked if I were your sister too. 

Post # 43
Member
4801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@7-9-11bride:

@ItWasntMe:

@Crisark:

 

Just because you three would want your nephew at your wedding does not mean that the OP has to share your feelings. It would be different if this was a newborn and mom couldn’t physically be away from him for the duration of the wedding, but it’s not. It’s a matter of her sister wanting to make the wedding into a big event for everyone to meet the new baby, and it isn’t appropriate.

 

I’m going through the same thing with my Future Sister-In-Law, I feel for you OP – but I lost, so I’m a bit jealous. My soon to be nephew (who is almot 1) will be at our reception, and anytime the wedding comes up in conversation all the Future In-Laws want to talk about is the cute outfit he will be wearing, and how everyone just wants to dance with him all night, and how it’s so great everyone gets to meet him that day and they are sure their family will just spend the whole day awwing over him. Umm HELLO?! No one seems to be aware that the bride and groom should be the focus of the wedding day, not the baby. And anytime I want them to do wedding related things with me, like a dress fitting or meeting with a vendor, I’ll ask my Future Mother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law since they live very close to me and always say they want to be involved…and every time I get shot down because they’re taking baby to the zoo or a swim lesson or whatever. And if I want opinions on a wedding detail they say it doesn’t matter, everyone will be too busy paying attention to the baby to notice anyways. I feel ridiculous saying it, but they’re making it very difficult for me to feel a bond with my nephew because I feel like I’m competing with him. Maybe that does make me selfish, but I think that for just one day that should be allowed.

 

And I’m aware it stop being just the bride and groom’s day once you invite guests, but as long as OP will have food and drinks and chairs, I think she is being a plenty good host. Not everyone subscribes to the notion that a wedding is a family reunion, that line of thought bothers me. To me it’s about those who are close to me witnessing our marriage – and a one year old really doesn’t care or have any idea what’s going on.

Post # 44
Member
2191 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@Wonderstruck: I’m fairly certain I explained my point of view and didn’t say she was horrible for her choice.

As this is a public forum and she requested opinions, I gave mine, and she was gracious to those of us that didn’t agree.

No need for you to come in and scold anyone.

Post # 45
Member
3135 posts
Sugar bee

@sbharkness83:

Are you kidding  me? You’re afraid your brother will out shine you by wearing his uniform so you won’t let him wear it?

wow.

Post # 46
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

@Wonderstruck: I’m pretty sure the OP asked for opinions, so I really don’t need my hand slapped for giving mine.

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