- 7 years ago
So about 4 months ago I dropped off the face of the bee. My fiance broke up with me, actually longer ago than that, but I was in denial for a while and the bee has always strangely been my comfort zone when I’m having relationship issues.
I tried to erase myself completely from this site, since I was using part of my real name, but apparently you can’t do that, so I just erased my cookies and left. I’m sorry if that was rude to any of my friends here, but I don’t think anyone actually noticed.
I’m not really sure what the overall point of this message is, but I like to think maybe if I go around telling my story it will help someone. I was in this relationship way too long. Barely two years and it was way too long, there were red flags from the very begining, but I chose to ignore them because I had fallen in love for the first time, and I beleived that for true love you do anything to make it work. But there are some things you should not do- like abandon your family and friends or tolerate being put down and jerked around constantly. A good relationship should make you happy more often than it makes you suffer. I won’t get into the details for his sake, but my fiance had issues that were entirely beyond what was in my capacity to fix.
As for the technical part of our breakup, he broke up with me. I begged and pleaded, said I’d do anything if he took me back. I mourned. And then I noticed, after a week of not talking to him, that I felt releived. And when I reflected on it, I knew why. I wasn’t walking on eggshells all day anymore, not worrying that some tiny thing I did (or the memory of some thing I did 6 months ago) would set him off and we’d be stuck in a pointless fight for hours or days. I saw my friends more, and learned that I had more than I thought when people who were scared to talk to me before came out of the woodwork again to comfort me. So I told him I’d like to stay broken up. Which quickly changed his attitude. He wanted to get back together, but it was too late. In those few weeks I had realized (or at least let myself acknowledge) all the ways I was so much better off on my own. It had been hard to get there before, because he was all I had. I had invested every part of myself into that relationship, all my plans for my future were based on our life together, being a wife and mother. And I wanted that so bad. I still do. But not with that man.
Which I guess brings me to the other thing I wanted to say. I still want to stick around here, if you’ll have me. I really enjoy wedding planning, and I’d love to help out other bees, chat, search down bridesmaids dresses online, recomend a good deal on candles, all that. It excites me, gives me something to do when I’m bored. And I’ve also kind of recently met a wonderful new guy 🙂 So maybe in a few years you’ll see me back here as a happy, healthy new bride-to-be 😉 But I’m not going to worry about it, I’m living life in the moment these days. And I’m feeling more alive than I think I ever have.
So bees, will you take me back??