My Officiant Screwed Up

posted 2 months ago in Ceremony
Post # 2
Member
854 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I’m so sorry. That sounds frustrating! Have you considered “eloping” with your husband. When I say eloping I just mean throwing your dress back on. Finding somewhere beautiful in nature with just the two of you and saying the vows you’ve always wanted to say? 

Post # 4
Member
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

My grandmother got remarried after my grandfather died.

The pastor called her new husband my deceased grandpa’s name the whole time, so the I do’s were, do you deceased grandfather’s name take my grandma… It was soo cringe-worthy and then once corrected he went on a five-minute tangent, I guess to explain himself, about how he had known my grandpa for years and how he would visit my grandpa while he was sick and how he had just met my grandmother’s new husband. It was terrible. But it didn’t ruin the day and they are happily married!

You are allowed to feel however you feel about your officiant being terrible. But ask yourself is there anything that you can do now that will make you feel better about it? If the answer is yes, do that thing! If it is no, it happened and you can’t change it then be upset about it and vent and then let it go.

Post # 5
Member
2382 posts
Buzzing bee

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kayla1019 :  I don’t think you need to be worrying about your mom’s feelings. She witnessed it and knows it was not right. I would absolutely redo your vows with your husband as
View original reply
brideandblue  suggested.

Post # 6
Member
7326 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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kayla1019 :  You can turn it around into a daily (or weekly/monthly/whatever) reaffirmation of your commitment together–look at each other and say ‘I do’. And then when your kids ask why you do that you’ll have a funny story to share about how you took something disappointing and turned it into something that strengthens your bond and benefits your relationship. #lemonade

Post # 7
Member
9371 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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kayla1019 :  

I don’t think there is any point at all in doing some sort  of redo, you are married and that is that.

It would have pissed me off royally too, and I would definitely send the pastor an email  or something detailing the faults exactly as you have here  and point out that it might have been merely all in a days  work  to him, but to the people getting married it’s  bloody vital  and, frankly,  you advise him to be much better prepared in future.

I’d feel better after that I think ! 

Post # 8
Member
7168 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Do you really think any future children will ask you how or if you said. “I do”? No, of course they won’t. Your fears about this are absolutely irrational; you’re just as married whether future generations ask (they won’t) or not. I have three teenaged children, and never once have they asked how our ceremony went. Your children won’t even think about it unless you give them some neuroses about it.

EVERYONE has regrets, whether that’s their vows, their officiant, their hair, their dress or their bridesmaids/groomsmen. YOU ARE MARRIED. Go do it over if it really bothers you, but it won’t make a bit of difference to anyone else. 

Post # 9
Member
1764 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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kayla1019 :  I’m so sorry you’re feeling anything but pure happiness looking back at your wedding day. I just wanted to try to make you feel better by sharing our story: our wedding day was beautiful and perfect (with the usual last minute surprises like no flowers on our sweetheart table etc) but I had gotten terribly sick the week of our wedding and the day we married I still hadn’t gotten my voice back! Still, it was a beautiful day and we choose to focus on all the other wonderful parts of the day. We may renew our vows on our 10th anniversary so we can both say the vows we couldn’t on our wedding day. 

Post # 10
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2020 - San Diego, CA

Sorry, bee. 🙁

if it makes you feel better– my officiant didn’t have guests stand up for me when I walked down the aisle (her reasoning was “it’s not like you had a traditional wedding anyway”), for weeks before the wedding she kept trying to make the ceremony intro about her and my husband (they were childhood friends. It was super cringe-worthy and a story about how she and my husband got “married” before when they were kids. I made my husband tell her to stick I the script that we wrote her), and she kept trying to change the script we wrote her. By my wedding time, I was so frustrated with her that I didn’t want her in key photos/video shots like when we’re saying our personal vows or our first kiss so she was instructed (by my coordinator) to move out of the way. Guess what? She didn’t. She also took it upon herself to take out a whole section of the ceremony.

Also during the whole wedding weekend she kept saying “this isn’t the first time he’s been married” but wouldn’t give any further details which made some of my friends think he had legitimately been married before. WTF?!

I also paid for her hair and makeup so she was getting ready with my bridal party and a bunch of us overheard her tell the makeup artist, “don’t make me too pretty. I don’t want to overshadow the bride.” She was legit serious when she said this.

I cried for days mainly because of the standing for the bride thing. Everyone brought it up to me.

However, with everything happening in the world now and seeing some brides not even being able to have their wedding- I’ve let that all go. I’m married to the one I love and that’s all that matters now.

I understand your disappointment though. Try to focus on the good things that did happen on your day! Like how you were able to have your family, hubby’s fam and all your guys’ friends in one place at the same time. When will that ever happen again?! 🥰

 

Post # 12
Member
7242 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

You’re entitled to feel however you need/want to feel about it. I can tell you as a wedding photographer I’ve seen many a botched ceremony, and they’re almost always done by friends or family members. A common misconception is that a pastor by trade should be good at it, but reality is there are plenty of pastors of churches who rarely if ever marry someone and it’s totally out of their wheelhouse. Like asking a hairdresser to bake your cake. 😉  It stinks to know you’ve put a lot of time into it and it didn’t go as planned.

That being said, as you’re coming up on 6 months of marriage, I would take some time to reflect on what you can do to move past this. Maybe have a private ceremony where you can recite your vows the way you want? Speake with a therapist who can help you work through your emotions. I’m not saying how you feel isn’t valid, but at this point there’s nothing you can do to change how it went the day of. The only thing you can do now is move forward.

I say this as a past bride….everything you decide surrounding your wedding feels like THE BIGGEST DEAL. But I can assure you that when you’re 2, 5, 10 years down the road it won’t matter. You’ll have other things in life to worry about. 

Post # 13
Member
2217 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Our officiant was a nightmare! It was a priest and he was a little weird anyway, but we really liked his sermons at church so we thought we would just go with it. First of all he was late, so nothing was set up or ready. Luckily my little cousin had been an altar boy for a long time and he handled everything like a pro! People were like “I’m Catholic and I knew he was doing something out of the ordinary (like walking all of the gifts down the aisle just to have the gift bearers turn around and bring them back to the altar; lighting the candles on the altar during the first reading, putting out our chairs while we waited for him to get them in the back, etc!), but he did it so matter of factly we just assumed it was part of the ceremony!” 

Then, during the sermon, the priest seemed to get side tracked by the first reading that we chose. He was like “does anyone know the story behind the first reading?” Well we didn’t and he didn’t discuss it with us at all as we chose that passage. Apparently the woman in the couple getting married this was her 7th wedding because her first 6 husbands died on their wedding night. So he told the whole story. And my husband got like 10 wellness checks the next morning! When we came down for breakfast, there was actually a round of applause that he was still alive! We have been to other weddings where the couple uses that passage and all my friends and I now look at each other and see if the priest will mention the story behind it. Not one other wedding we have been to did. So we are just the lucky ones I guess! 

He also mentioned that he was late so everything was off, was flustered and mispronounced my husband’s last name, then spent a couple of times correcting himself, etc. It was nothing like we had planned. But we responded just by laughing about it. You married your husband so who cares? Our friends and we have always had fun with it, we all joke about it and everyone sure remembers our ceremony! Since 9 of us have been married in the last 2 years, everyone remembers our ceremony the best because it was such a cluster! So embrace it! Sure it’s frustrating when things don’t go your way, but so what? Life doesn’t always go perfect. Enjoy being married and know your friends will never forget your wedding! 

Post # 14
Member
4112 posts
Honey bee

They forgot to mic up our officiant so no one heard our wedding (because it was super windy) – not our vows, not our I dos, not anything. Our family and friends essentially watched a silent movie. People still laugh about it with us. You have to decide if this is going to ruin your wedding for you for life or if you can roll with it and laugh along with your nearest and dearest.

Post # 16
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee

I get that it’s disappointing. But “ugly crying” every time you think about it–6 months later is OTT. 

Give yourself some perspective. You are married. Hopefully you married your best friend. That’s what truly matters. This is a very scary and uncertain time. Hundreds of thousands of people are dying. And you’re still so upset about this you’re ugly crying? Be thankful you married your best friend and (hopefully) you and your loved ones are safe and healthy. Think about what truly matters here.

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