Post # 1
I have been a lurker and finally decided to create a profile and unfortunately, my first post will probably be long. I will try to be as brief as possible.
Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been together for 12 years (since high school) and recently started looking at engagement rings. I really like princess or radiant shaped diamonds. Because I am tall, I want a bigger diamond, somewhere around 1.5 carats. I even told my BF I would be willing to help pay for it, but he said no, that this is “his thing”. I know he’s not happy with the price of diamonds but he hasn’t told me exactly how much his budget is. I have looked into CZ and moissy, but I ordered a loose moissy and did not like how it looked in person. I really want a diamond.
We were at his aunt’s last weekend. I have known his aunt practically my whole life as she was a neighbor and is friends with my parents. His aunt has been married 5 times and she has a lot of jewelry, some real and some costume. She has this rather ugly ring that she wore for her first three marriages and she used to joke that she never needed a new engagment ring because she kept recycling the old one. I always thought it was a CZ. So Boyfriend or Best Friend tells his aunt in front of me that we are finally looking at rings and was grumbling at how expensive diamonds are. Before I can say anything, she runs upstairs and grabs the “ugly” ring and puts it on my finger. Then she announces to everyone that “Rose finally has her ring!” Everyone laughs and congratulates us and I am sitting there mortified.
I find out later that the ring is in fact real, but the diamond is very poorly cut. There is literally no sparkle to it, not to mention it’s not the shape I really want. The diamond itself is a little over 1 carat. Boyfriend or Best Friend is happy because now, according to him. he doesn’t have to spend a lot on a diamond, that I can just get it reset.
I tried telling him that this really isn’t the ring or diamond I want as my engagement ring. It’s not like it was some family heirloom that was passed down to him. It in no way represents “us”.
He’s mad because he thinks I am being ungrateful. My own parents think I am being ungrateful. For the record, I was the one holding off on becoming engaged because I wasn’t ready, so it wasn’t like I was hounding him for a ring.
So I’m asking you the hive what you think. It is wrong to want my own diamond? If you think I am being selfish and ungrateful, then I will have this diamond reset.
Post # 3
Is it about money (since you offered to help pay)? If he can’t afford a 1.5 carat diamond and that’s all you really want, I’d say maybe have the not so great diamond put into a simple and inexpensive setting for now. Let the issue die down and focus on other priorities. Then when it’s not such a hot button issue you can say “You know what honey, I’ve been wearing this ring for [x amount of months] now, and it just isn’t me. I’d like to go look at other stones now that we have a little savings.”
You’re not ungrateful, you just have to be tactful and perhaps play your cards right to get the ring you really want.
Post # 4
Be honest and dont settle for something that you will have to look at for the rest of your life. If he cant afford a ring right now then tell him you can wait. That isnt fair that they are all mad at you. Dont get that diamond reset, tell her thanks but no thanks…it was recycled too many times and you want your own.
Post # 5
Just an option. Can you find your dream setting, put that diamond in as a temp diamond and replace the diamond for your dream diamond for an anniversary?
edit: looks like that option was sort of already out there
Post # 6
Depending on where you live, a jeweler can have the diamond recut to be a more ideal optical sparkly stone. Rounds are much more expensive, so once it is recut, certified, and returned to you, you can work a deal to swap the diamond for a different shape. OR you can try and ask for a different shape now.
If a jeweler see’s potential in improving the diamond, they will invest the money in recutting. And because Radiant cuts are not as expensive or in demand, you may come out very happy girl!!!
Post # 7
If you want to message me I have a reference for someone who can give it to a cutter, but first have a jeweler clean it, appraise it, and identify it with photos or whatever you need to feel comfortable. Never send off something unless you are sure who it is and what you want done.
Post # 8
I don’t know if it’s about the money. We’ve been living together for 6 years and a lot of our money is combined for household expenses. We each have our own account and the only thing we pay for ourselves is our car payments. He is lets just say, frugal. He’ll drive 10 miles out of his way to save 3 cents a gallon on gas.
Post # 9
@puppiekisses: Thank you, but the jeweler we took it too said it’s too included to try to recut, that too much weight would be lost.
Post # 10
I personally think you should stand your ground on this issue, it will be on your hand every single day for the rest of your life! You dont want it to become an area of resentment!
Maybe you could use the family ring for a trade in or something?
Post # 11
I mean… I think he’s being pretty ridiculous. He won’t pay for the stone you really want, and he won’t let YOU pay for the stone you really want. You should not have to wear an ugly stone you don’t like – that makes it a symbol of him not caring about your desire vs. a symbol of your love and commitment to each other.
I’d try talking to him about it again. Maybe you could also bring up that this ring has been in three failed marriages and you don’t want the bad karma? I’d think it would be enough that you don’t like the stone but apparently not.
Post # 12
I would tell him that you don’t want his auntie’s ring because she wore that ring for 3 marriages and they all ended up in divorces (trying to put superstitions in there :-)). If he still insists to use that diamond, I wonder if you can have it recut (is it possibel?)? I might turn out to be smaller than 1 ct but if you do the halo setting, it will still look big.
Post # 13
@vulnerable64: Yeah, I tried the trade in route, but all of a sudden to him it has become “this great heirloom” that we need to treat with respect.
Maybe I should talk to his aunt. Maybe she can talk him into letting me trade it in.
I also tried the “bad karma” thing. He doesn’t believe in that.
I am beginning to think he is just being really cheap.
Post # 14
My Darling Husband is the same way. He is really, really frugal but the result is that he is actually very wealthy from all of that saving! With guys like this, you can still get through to him by appealing to his line of thinking. He probably just needs time to warm up to the idea.
I don’t think you’re ungrateful at all, and I absolutely don’t think you should have to settle for this diamond. But since he’s being a little obstinate about it now, this would be a good time to pick your battles. You’ve been together for 12 years… just get him to the altar and get that part of business taken care of.
Accept the diamond for now, and have it placed into the setting of your dreams. Then when you look at your e-ring, you can focus on the gorgeous setting and try not to get upset about the center stone.
Rather than having a showdown about the diamond now, just accept it with a qualifier of some sort. Prepare him for the fact that this may come up again in the future. Bargain with him a little bit and say something like: “Hey sweetie, you know I’d really rather have a princess or radiant cut, but (ahem cough cough) let me give this one a try and see if I can warm up to it. Then if I still haven’t learned to love it after a year or so, maybe (batting eyelashes) eventually we could think about trading it in for something else?” It doesn’t matter how he responds. He may grumble “OK” or he may say flat out no way. Ignore whatever he says. Just get the ball rolling, get the diamond into a pretty setting that makes your heart flutter, and come back to this later on — maybe a few months after you’re married, or when your one-year anniversary approaches.
If you give him a hint now, he can’t come back to you later and say “But I thought we agreed you were going to have this diamond…” blah blah blah.
Sorry you’re dealing with this! I think it will all work out OK if you give it time, and you’ll end up with a diamond you really love. Good luck!
Post # 15
You know what, I wouldn’t even talk to him about it. I would just tell him no. “Sorry honey, I don’t like this stone, I’m not wearing it. We can pick out one together or I can do it. But I’m not wearing this one.”
Post # 16
good idea @Andr0meda: but you also don’t have to listen to that jeweler, just like a doctor, get second opinions or ask if they have a rectangular princess cut or a radiant that is equal the value for a trade, because its a lot harder to sell a not square princess with pointy edges than it is for a cut cornered radiant, and this way you’ll get the shape you want. maybe not the size you were hoping for, but depending on how you mount it, you’ll at least be rid of the tainted failed relationship diamond.