(Closed) My own diamond vs family diamond. Help please.

posted 7 years ago in Rings
Post # 32
Member
2008 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@BlondeRose:  His crazy aunt is a busy body, eh?

I would not cave on this.  He doesn’t have a good reason for wanting this ring other than being cheap and hes not handling it well.  I wouldn’t want to start off a marriage like this.

Post # 33
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2002

I am so sorry you are experiencing this.  I think your idea is a good one…find a big sparkly band and just wear it alone.  And then maybe buy the ring of your dreams for an anniversary (1st?!).  🙂

Post # 35
Member
749 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

NO, don’t wear this ring, I don’t care who gave it to you, he didn’t, the aunt did.  WHO ARE YOU MARRYING HERE I MEAN COME ON!  Expenses or not, you want your own wedding, your own engagement, your own life.  Even if you aren’t the kind of girl who wears her ring all the time, your proposal and your ring is hopefully something you don’t talk about in another 3 marriges from now passing it down to someone else.  This is gonna be in your family for generations, a conversation and happy time to share with others.  Ask him to make his own moments with you.  Even if it was a tiny square princess instead of a hand me down, it would matter to you more I’m sure.  I’m really upset for you!

Post # 36
Member
749 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

my Fiance is the same way…doesn’t care how I feel about things just wishes he made enough money for me to domesticate myself completely.  If I wasn’t the person I am and hadn’t insisted of selling my previous ring for the money, I’d wear it proudly till this day because its something we chose together and he insisted looked the best.  When we downgraded, I showed many pictures and brought home many choices but in the end we both loved my new cushion because it was similar to my oval but different.  To make it not look so small we got a new mounting different from promise rings and ering from before.  I’ve been through yellow gold, platinum, now rose gold.  I’ve worked for a diamond supplier and seen tons of diamonds come and go.  I get excited when I know a pretty diamond is going to a girl out there…and especially when its a shape and ring that the guy painstakingly is nitpicking and stressing about because its so cute that he cares so much for the girl’s wishes.  Then there’s times like this that are the example to the contrary.  Where a man disregards what his future life partner wants so much.  Since a car is just a way to get around, maybe suggest a hand me down from your dad…like my first car the delta 88 oldsmobile from 1984 when I was 16 and it was the year 2000.  Drive safely!!!!

Post # 37
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee

@BlondeRose:  What’s bugging the hell out of me right now is how he’s taking the aunt’s side and not yours. He’s not even TRYING to understand your point of view. I would be furious if my fiance openly took sides with another family member to make me feel like shit.

 

I think he’s just been apprehensive about the cost and has now been presented with the opportunity to not pay any money, and he can’t ‘unthink’ going from being in a position of paying nothing to paying a lot of money. You said he may be being cheap, I think he is.

 

Someone else suggested it, but I would suggest a compromise. Show him you want to consider HIS feelings by getting say a 1 carat stone, and you would like him to consider YOURS by not making you wear the heirloom ring. If you can’t win from there, well then I would be very worried. He also needs to do damage control for you by telling his aunt to STFU and mind her business. Calling your mom? Ooh I’m FOAMING at the mouth.

Post # 38
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee

Uh I feel for you.  I wouldn’t wat that ring either. Hope he comes to that realization and you setlle on something that will make you both happy!

Post # 39
Member
2008 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@BlondeRose:  It’s still inappropriate, friends or not.  This can be the problem when everyone gets involved too deeply.

Your engagement should be between the two of you.

And if you’re having reservations about him, please listen to that before the next step.  12 years should give you all the time you need to be sure about your decision where he’s concerned.

Post # 40
Member
1866 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Oh please, he’s not upset because he genuinely thinks you are being ungrateful. He is upset because he then would have to buy you a diamond, which he doesn’t want to do. He’s using this as a perfect excuse.

The fact that it was worn for THREE different marriages is enough for me to tell him that it’s NOT HAPPENING. He can huff and puff all he wants. 

Post # 41
Member
1866 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@BlondeRose:  It’s good that you are recognizing this, and are willing to admit that you don’t think he may be the one. If you don’t feel he is the one, please don’t marry him. You don’t want to be another statistic. In the long run, it will be less headache now than it would be then to breakup. 

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way… but to be honest, the gas thing you wrote about… yikes! It’s one thing to be money savvy, it’s a different thing to just be straight up CHEAP. It is a trait that can cause a lot of problems in a marriage.

Post # 42
Member
11268 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@BlondeRose:  do you have a picture of this poor quality diamond ring?  how bad is it?   i’m sure the other bees would like to see it too.

it really sucks; seems like everyone is against you.

Post # 43
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Bent Creek Winery (Livermore, California); Reception: Family Residence (San Ramon, California)

@JellyFeet:  I agree with this. I think that, more than anything else, OP, I’m worried about how your Fiance is handling this. You two are a team. You two should talk things through together. You two should make decisions together. And you two should present a united front. It may just be a ring, but it’s disconcerting that he’s not willing to try to understand your point of view, find a compromise, and stand by you on this. Instead, it sounds like family is being involved, and people are being pitted against one another. That’s an incredibly immature and potentially harmful way to handle disagreements that arise between a couple, especially one who’s actively moving toward marriage. It may lead to a lot of unnecessary resentment among your extended families.

Ultimately, this issue should just be between the two of you. You should discuss it and work through it together. And then you should tell your family what you decided and back each other up on that decision. That’s a much more productive and healthy way to handle disputes in your relationship.

I really wish you all of the best, OP. I hope that you and your Fiance can find a way healthy way to resolve this issue (and others like it going forward) and work together as a team. He really needs to have your back, sweetie!

Post # 44
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I’m a little supersitious about rings that didn’t work out… I honestly LOVE family rings. If my ring were from someone on either side of our family I would ADORE it. UNLESS…. it were from a marriage or engagment that didn’t work out. I would not wear that ring. It has no meaning. It was not bought as an intention for you so there is NO thought behind it. If it were a ring from a 50 year marriage, that is a completely different story. But not a poorly cut diamond that didn’t work out multiple times with no sentimental value. Tell him that…

Post # 45
Member
742 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Find him a really hideous ring, say it’s from your step uncle or something and demand he wear it as his wedding ring. 

Seriously though, he needs to think about what he’s asking here. How would he feel? He can say jewelry doesnt matter all he wants he’s speaking for himself not you. Maybe you don’t care if he gets an awful car or computer? How would he feel then?

Post # 46
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Clearly this ring *does* have bad juju, if the instant that it hit your finger it started causing problems in the relationship.

As far as the aunt goes, it’s probably too late to polite decline the ring on the basis that you wouldn’t feel right depriving her children of this “heirloom.” 

I think you need to sit him down and tell him that an engagement ring is a piece of jewelry you’ll be wearing your entire life, and that you hope to pass on to your children or grandchildren. It absolutely needs to be a symbol of love and respect and all that; it also needs to be something that isn’t going to make you feel bad every time you look at it, and at this point, I can’t imagine you could ever look at that ring and not think of all the drama surrounding it.

And you need to tell him he’s being cheap. Not frugal. Cheap. (Frugal is buying a setting with a moissanite or CZ placeholder until he can afford a different stone, for instance.) This is a point where you both may need to compromise, and it sounds like neither of you is willing.

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