(Closed) My own mother ruined my wedding – am I over-reacting?

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
272 posts
Helper bee

You’re choosing to allow your mother to treat you this way.  I know it’s much easier said than done, but you have to decide how much of a role she’s going to play in your life and how much you’ll let her comments affect you.  How is this going to work if you have children, or when you and your husband make any big decisions as a couple?  I would be tempted to tell her how she made me feel that weekend and help her to see how damaging her behavior is on your relationship.

Post # 4
1752 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

She is down, so she has to bring you down with her.  That’s awful.  You aren’t over reacting, she was acting like a 5 year old to try to get herself some sympathy.. that’s awful.

I hope you were able to enjoy your honeymoon.  Maybe take sometime to do something special with your photos, like  have a date night, where the two of you go thru all of them, find your favorites, and then make plans what to do with them.. which ones to frame, which ones you want to order for family.. one night that you and your husband can relive the highlights of your special day… if you had a videographer, watch the video that same night.. make dinner,  have cake and champagne.. make it about the two of you, maybe you will feel like you get some of that night back…

Post # 5
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

Wow.  You are not overreacting at all.  Your mother is treating you terribly.  You need to lay some ground rules and figure out a way to have a functional relationship with her going forward.  Explain to her that while you love her, and she will always be your Mom, you do not appreciate the way she treats you.  And list examples.

Is she this way to everyone or just to you?

Post # 6
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Why in the world did you escort her to her hotel room from the reception?  Was she going to start screaming in the middle of the reception?  Why not just say no, are you kidding me, and go talk to other people?  She’s treating you badly but I don’t know why you are letting her. 

The fact is that weddings are part of our lives… they don’t magically change anyone’s personalities, it’s true that marriage isn’t going to change your boyfriend into the husband you wish he would be (using the general ‘you’ here of ofcourse) and it’s just as true that a wedding is not going to change your mother into the woman you wish she would be.  🙁

I’m sorry you were upset and didn’t get to enjoy your wedding.  That really sucks.  You are far from alone though, plenty of people have weddings they barely remember and didn’t get to enjoy – it just varies. 

For the future though I would prioritize your own mental and emotional well being at any event that includes your mom, refuse to spend time with her when she is being difficult.  You are 28 years old you do not have to talk to and spend time with anyone you do not want.  Though I make it sound simple I know it is not when it comes to mothers and people you love – but to be frank you have all the leverage in this situation, she wants to see you a lot more than you want to see her.

Post # 7
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

WOW.  I am so, SO sorry that you had such a stressful time with your mother! And no, in my opinion, you were not overreacting toward something so obviously painful and thoughtless.  I cannot even imagine making it through two days like that and coming out unscathed on the other side!

All I can say is, I’ve had a few (unfortunately) similar episodes with my parents (BOTH of them, my father actually being the most vocal in the last year or so). . . . and so right now, I’m torn between actually even INVITING them to my wedding or avoiding them possibly making it the WORST day of my life by not inviting them.  The choice has been left up to me, and anyone who knows the nitty gritty details, assures me that it really is okay either way.  It’s just such a difficult, uncomfortable, unbelievable position to be in, I know.  So, I can empathize with you.

As a side note, I realize this pain is still very fresh for you and you should take time to grieve it appropriately.  But remember that if you want to be truly satisfied with your wedding day and your choices, it would be best if you A) don’t regret the choices you made, whether or not they turned out as you expected, because you couldn’t foresee the future and it’s done now and B) forgive your mom, once you are through being upset with her, especially. Retaining hurt, resentment, bitterness and unforgiveness, sadly, will really poison your life, heart, and happiness while not even touching your mother!  That’s how it works. It’s not fair, but I’ve discovered it’s true. 

I wish you happier, smoother days to come. Hang in there. If you really want it to be, I think that your wedding can be seen as only one day . . . .a special day, but just one . . . .and your marriage is what really counts and has so many great possibilities!!!!  🙂 

Post # 8
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You’re not overreacting – she treated you horribly during your wedding – you have every right to be upset.

Like other posters said – you’re only option is to talk to her about it. Let her know that you refuse to be treated like that any longer and if she’d like to be a part of your life she needs to learn how to keep her mouth shut.

If you talk to her and still you can’t get through to her you have to decide to just ignore her behaviour and realize that she won’t change and that you can only control how you react to her. It’s totally understandable to be upset at her actions, but don’t continue to be upset because then you’re unable to focus on all the wonderful things about your wedding.

Post # 9
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

wow.  you are not overreacting at all.  My mom is similarly awful but in different ways (she is an alcoholic, manic-depressive, very unhappy, etc.).  What I’ve had to do is just say that I need her to be positive, and if she is not going to be positive, then I cannot have her in my life.  This has resulted in her threatening to not come to our wedding twice (and taking it back, our wedding is in three weeks).  But at this point, I am just taking her for who she is, hoping that she can come, and not expecting anything out of her.  If she is negative, I will ignore her and have my brother take care of her.

It sounds like you need to set some boundaries with her and tell her that you love her, but you cannot accept the way she treats you, and will not accept it.  Tough love, you know?

Post # 11
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I am so very sorry you had to deal with this.  You certainly are not over reacting, she was!  I get where you are coming from though, its that she is your mother and naturally you don’t want her to be unhappy or have her say such harsh things to you, so you tried to accommodate her and her feelings even above your own on your very special day.  Take this and learn from it there will be other special days in your life and you can not allow something like this to happen again.  **Hugs**

Post # 12
2 posts
  • Wedding: September 2010

HOLY COW!!! youre mom sucks!!! so sorry for you!


Post # 13
17 posts

Just realized this thread is a little old, but I just had to reply because I can really relate…

Oof. This is horrible! I’m so sorry you had to deal with this. No one should have to emotionally babysit their own parents. It’s even worse when it happens at an event that’s supposed to be a celebration of YOU and your new husband. Yes, I know a wedding isn’t just about the people getting married, but what your mom did was way out of line. @Cinnamon Roll is SO right–you have to stop allowing her to treat you this way.

Part of the reason I really wanted to offer my thoughts is that so much of what you wrote here reminds me of my relationship with my own mother, right down to accompanying her to her hotel room during an important event, only to watch her throw a fit and be expected to give up what you were doing to witness said fit.

It sounds like your mom and you have very different ideas in your heads about what you want from the mother-daughter relationship. She wants you to be an extremely devoted daughter who lives the life she imagined for you and puts family first, even over your own life. You want to *live* your own life and just want your mom to offer you some unconditional love and support, even if you are making choices that wouldn’t have been *her* first choice. This isn’t unreasonable of you!

I think your mom is like mine in that she is letting fear and insecurity rule her life and her interactions with you. She’s afraid you’ll always be too far away, she’s afraid you don’t love her enough, she’s afraid you won’t be secure in life and bad things will happen to you. So she tries to keep you under her control using emotional blackmail. When you are happy and excited about something, she changes the focus to herself or to something she doesn’t like about the situation, knowing you’ll rush to comfort her. She’s afraid if you’re happy and independent, you won’t need her anymore. She doesn’t know the meaning of “if you love someone, set them free.”

In short, this is pretty messed up behavior. I’ve been doing some research on what’s called “Toxic Parents” lately, and it’s shed a whole new light on my relationship with my mother for me. As in, WOW, there’s a reason my mom always makes me feel bad and I feel filled with her bad energy after talking to her–and it’s something tons of other people have also been through.

It sucks that to fix this, you’ll have to be the strong one. I’m working on it now myself. I took about 10 months where I all but cut off communication with my mother. During that time, I was the happiest I’d ever been. One of the factors in the decision to cut off communication was that I didn’t want to be responsible for “fixing” her, which was the only solution I could see. He**, SHE was the one being emotionally abusive and horrible, why should it be my job to make her happy? She doesn’t even WANT to be happy. I still don’t know the answer, but I would highly recommend counseling. It just might be the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself–and goodness knows, you deserve to do some things for yourself! Put yourself first for once! I’ve also been reading a very helpful book called “Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life” by Susan Forward. Go get it!

I can tell you have the courage and the smarts to stand up to your mother and start putting yourself first. I think what @Arachna said is dead on:

For the future though I would prioritize your own mental and emotional well being at any event that includes your mom, refuse to spend time with her when she is being difficult.  You are 28 years old you do not have to talk to and spend time with anyone you do not want.  Though I make it sound simple I know it is not when it comes to mothers and people you love – but to be frank you have all the leverage in this situation, she wants to see you a lot more than you want to see her.

Good luck! I’m sending you good vibes!

P. S. Remember, you’re married now–don’t ever let her make you feel badly about prioritizing your new husband and your marriage over her tantrums.

Post # 14
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I know this is an old thread, but I can very much relate. I’m really glad I read the whole thing because I’m going to get the book @marleylikeair recommended right away. It’s so hard to emotionally separate yourself from a parent who’s abuse is purely emotional because it’s so easy to forget/forgive when there’s no “proof” of the person physically harming themself or others…even when the relationship has always been this way. You feel guilty or like you’re the crazy one half the time, but everytime you try to treat her like a “normal” parent, results are crushing. You think that special occasions or achievements might be important enough to be met with warmth, only  to feel like the joy is stolen from you as soon as you try to share. My fiance is super supportive and understanding and I hope you ladies all have that too. 

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