Post # 1
So a bit of a backstory. My Fiance and I have been together for 3 years and we got engaged a year ago. Our parents conicidentally live in the same town and met each other early on in the relationship. They got along really well, everything seemed great. Fast forward 2 years and we are planning our wedding. While we were visiting a venue my FI’s parents very generously offered to split the cost of the wedding with my parents. However, it is very important to me that my fi and I pay for at least part of the wedding so we agreed to split the wedding three ways….. or so I thought. We decided to go with a particular venue that my fiancee’s parents haven’t seen yet because they couldn’t get off of work to come check it out with us. Since I had a venue figured out I wrote out a budget based on that venue in which the costs were pretty much evenly split. My fiancee’s parents then invited my whole family over for dinner and to “have a talk” about the wedding. They proceed to tell me how bad my ideas about the wedding are, how innaccurate my budget is, and how they dont want to pay for things. Now they only want to pay for the alcohol and their guests food. This is not close to the third of the budget they agreed to pay for. My parents were very hurt and offended by the way they were treated. They have offered my Fiance and I 10k to elope because they don’t want to have to deal with my FI’s parents. The thing is outside of this whole wedding business, my Future In-Laws are really nice people and idk what to do. 10k is a lot of money but I feel like I want a real wedding. However, if a wedding is going to mean another 11 months of fighting between me, my inlaws, and my parents then I dont really want a wedding. What should I do? Should I tell my Future In-Laws how much they offended my parents and try to get everyone to make nice? Should my Fiance talk to his parents and try to explain the situation? Go through with the wedding and just stay silent because at least my in laws are paying for something? Just take the 10k and elope? Please help, I really need advice!
Post # 3
I’d pay for it yourself and have the wedding you want, or take the money and elope. Money invites power struggles…as you’ve seen! We explicitly did things our own way, and paid for almost our entire wedding on our own. The money we did accept came with no strings attached.
Post # 4
elope alone or small destination wedding
i dont think id elope. id definitely consider a destination wedding
Post # 5
I would just pay for it myself. It’s not worth the drama from either side.
Post # 6
The main thing to remember is that this is YOUR wedding, if eloping is what YOU want then do it but if you want a larger wedding then you need to sit down again and politely state that both sets of parents agreed to help with the wedding and that the day is about you and your Fiance and what you want not what they want and that there hurtful comments and bickering are ruining what’s supposed to be the fun planning process.
Post # 7
Well, everyone is going to need to learn to get along eventually, so whatever else you do, you do need to (with your FI) tell your future in-laws how hurt your parents are, and ask them to work that out with them.
Post # 8
You have to do what works best for youand Fiance, if that means big wedding,have one, if that means taking the cash and getting the hell outta dodge, do it. $$ is a sensitive subject anyway, and your in laws may have been in a different place financially when they offered to pay half. Point is, you can’t make everyone get along, most likely won’t be able to change minds either. But you can have the wedding you want, so be honest about what that is exactly.
Post # 9
@StevieJo: Thanks for the support!
@ProfessorGirl: I hope that is possible, I just feel so awkward and I don’t know how to approach my Future In-Laws.
@Nona99: that’s true, money is always such a sensitive subject
Post # 10
I’d at least have your Fiance talk it out with them and let them know how they’ve made the rest of you feel. They might have no idea. You only get to do this once, and excluding an entire side of the family over one hurtful evening could cause serious problems down the line. I’d give them a chance at least to change their behaviour before you decide to elope.
Post # 11
I would have Fiance talk to his parents and find out what they thought 1/3 of the wedding would cost. Maybe they didn’t realize you would find a venue that is so expensive and didn’t anticipate the entire wedding costing so much. (Not saying the venue is expensive, just that people who planned weddings a decade or more ago might not be aware of today’s prices.) Find out what they are comfortable paying and ask for that as a gift with no strings attached. Then ask for the same amount from your parents. If it ends up being 33-33-33 then perfect. If your dream wedding costs more and you can afford it than maybe its more like 20-20-60. At least that way one set of parents isn’t paying more than the other and you still get the wedding you want, or at least the wedding you can afford.
Post # 12
I’d take the money and elope.
Post # 13
Go on, take the money and run…hooohooohooo…
Whatever you decide, I’d still make them aware that they were offensive.
Post # 14
I agree with PPs that the issue needs to be dealt with eventually so it might as well be now. I think both you and your Fiance need to sit down with his parents and explain how their behaviour affected you and your parents, and how their change of financial commitment has now caused you to alter your wedding plans.
Before this sit-down, however, you and your Fiance need to decide what kind of wedding you want, what you can afford and how much potential drama may ensue from either/both sides.
I, for one, would take that $10,000 and have a kick ass elopement and then throw a great bash once home and married. Not a “reception”, but more a sweet cocktail party/open house.
Post # 15
I would never want to be forced to elope.
You’re def going to have to talk to them about it (or have Fiance talk to them about it). But when it comes down to it, you cant demand that they give you more than they feel comfortable giving you. Take what theyre willing to give, and try to figure out the rest between yourself and your parents.
Traditionally, they’re only obligated to pay for the open bar, so they’re actually already still offering more than most FI’s parents do.
Post # 16
Honestly, I dont understand why your parents would be offended. Are they expecting your parents to make up what they dont pay for? They may not be paying the 3rd they offered, but the booze and their guest still sound pretty fair to me – tell them their share of paying for their guest include their centerpieces and invites too then if they want to play hardball. If a ”real wedding” is what you want, I wouldnt give it up over this.