(Closed) My parents aren't coming to my wedding…

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

((hugs)) As hard as it is to see your relationship with your bio-family deteriorate, take solace in the fact that your chosen family (your Fiance, his parents, your brothers, your friends) love you and support you as you deserve to be loved and supported.  

Post # 4
Member
5660 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I just wanted to say that that is really hard and I feel really sad for you. I’m so sorry that is how they have chosen to live their lives. I can gaurantee they will never forget the fact that they missed their only living daughter’s wedding. I hope you are able to enjoy this time in spite of them and have a great time on your wedding day. Remind yourself that family is sometimes who you choose and you can choose who your family will be and how they will be in the future. 

Post # 5
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m so sorry.  My mother has said a lot of the same things and acts much in the same way (and we have no major family tragedy for her to blame it on!)  Do what makes you and your fiance happy.  I’ve learned that no matter what I do (if I do what my mom wants or do what we want) not everyone will ever be happy. SO, you might as well just do what wil lmake you happy and let the chips fall where they may.  I know it’s not the most helpful advice, and I Know how much the situation you’re in sucks, but unfortunately sometimes there’s nothing we can do to change those type of people.

You’re very lucky you have a wonderful, loving family-in-law!  

Post # 6
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Drift_Avalii:  I am so sorry you have to deal with this.  I will take a wild guess and say that your family never went to grief counseling in regards to your sister’s death.  I think your parents, especially your mom, never truly dealt with that loss and every difference of opinion she has with you about your wedding reminds her that she won’t get any say in your sister’s wedding.  I don’t believe they are actively choosing to take it out on you but they are nevertheless.

“I was phoned by my dad twenty minutes later, and he told me they no longer wanted any contact with me whatsoever, and I would be getting married without them. “

I would say to respect their wishes as made clearly to you but also send them an invitation with a personal, handwritten note letting them knowhow you feel and how you would still like for them to attend your wedding.  At the very least, if they choose not to, they can never hold it over your head that you didn’t invite them.

Post # 7
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I feel very bad that you have to deal with this. My grandmother behaved the same way when my mother got married. So my mom has promised me to not do the same to me now that I’m planning a wedding. My only advice is try not to let it get you down too much. Its still “you and your future husband’s day” and you just have to keep that in your mind. Although you’d love your parents to be there and be happy for you – you have to remember that the main reason is that you love your fiance and thats all that matters. You two still love each other and want to marry each other no matter who is there to witness it. 

 

If its any comfort – my mom and grandmother did not talk for 8 months while my mom just went on planning the wedding without my grandmother. Eventually my grandmother realized how childish/selfish she was being and even though things weren’t going her way she’d rather attend a wedding she didn’t plan than live with the regret of missing watching her only daughter get married. They got over the fight eventually and moved on but my mother stood her ground and doesn’t regret the 8 months they didn’t talk to each other. My mom (now having been married to my dad for 32 years) still says to this day (not in front of her mom) that it was the most stress-free 8 months w/o her mom bitching at her everyday about weddingd details and she ended up loving her wedding. 

Post # 10
Member
6221 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

That really sucks that they are doing that to you. You all suffered a horrible loss, but they are blaming everything on you, and that is really unfair. I actually might send them the letter, because really, what harm could it do? They already aren’t speaking to you. 

I just can’t believe parents who have lost a daughter would shun their other one for not involving them enough in planning the wedding. That is crazy to me.

Post # 11
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Drift_Avalii:  Well that makes even more sense.  They are mad that you took the initiative and went to counseling and dealth with your grief.  They are still stuck in the grieving process and they are probably jealous of your ability to move on and cope.

Everything will work out.  Either they show or they don’t (Iagree on why you wouldn’t want to send a letter.)  If they don’t then you know where you stand with them and you should move on and enjoy creating your new family with your FH and inlaws (who sound awesome!)  Boo to your parents; they will eventually regret damaging their relationship with their only surviving daughter but by the time they wake up, it may be too late and they will have to grieve the loss of another child.

Post # 12
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Drift_Avalii:   I am so sorry you are having to go through this, and I don’t think  you did anything wrong at all. At this point, I would write them off–if they don’t  come back into your life, at least you have learned how to get along just fine without them. And if they do, you will be able to deal with them from a place of “I would like to have you in my life, but I don’t need to and am doing just fine on my own.”

Unfortunately, I don’t think this is one of those situations where just being the bigger person will help much. Hopefully they will snap out of it soon and realize theyre the ones in the wrong.

Post # 13
Member
11233 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@beachbride1216:  I agree with this. I feel like your parents feel like, in order to protect you, they need to smother you and control your actions because they don’t want to lose you. Grief does awful things to people.

But yes, you are very lucky to be marrying into a family that cares so much about you. My own mother is just not around unless she needs something, and I am very lucky that I am also marrying into a family that’s amazing.

Post # 14
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@Drift_Avalii:  My mom lost her only sister to suicide 20 years ago this May. Her parents handled the grief well initially (her dad was told by a counselor that he didn’t need counseling because he was coping so well). That said, her death has had a lasting and always surprising impact on my family.

I’m willing to be that your parents haven’t learned to deal with the tremendous grief they feel over your sister’s death. While it’s certainly understandable why they’re acting the way they are, it certainly doesn’t excuse the behavior. You may be their only living daughter, but you are also your own person getting ready to start a family of her own. You should be able to plan the wedding you want and they should be able to respect that.

There’s a beautifully written part of the book “The Lovely Bones” where one of the character speaks about how Lindsey Salmon will always be associated with her murdered older sister, Susie, by those who knew her best. I feel like when your parents look at you they aren’t just seeing you; they’re also seeing your sister and wondering what she might have become if she had lived (simply because you are the only daughter left). I can’t explain it right, but it’s a mixed up jumble of emotions to feel; it’s very confusing to feel.

I second the idea of sending an invitation with a hand-written note. Tell them you love them very much and, despite your differences, you still want them at the wedding very badly. If they come then that’s wonderful (unless they don’t behave). If they don’t, at least you’ll have your In-laws, new husband, and your brothers (who, despite not taking sides, will still be there to support you). I think you’re parents will definitely regret not being there for your wedding if they don’t attend, but, again, that has to be their decision. I wish you a lot of luck and I’m sending happy thoughts your way!

Post # 15
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

This broke my heart. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I would also agree at sending a handwritten letter with an invitation. I think you could explain how much you love them and want them to be a part of things, but also make it clear how much they hurt you with their comments and ultimately, their decision to cut off contact with you. It might just be my own bitterness, but I wouldn’t want them to misconstrue the letter as an apology – I think we can all agree you have nothing to apologize for.

If they still do not make it, I know it will hurt, but take comfort in all of the warm, welcoming people around you – the family that you are officially a part of.

Post # 16
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I feel like this is happening to me as well. It’s always a fight & I feel like I have to give into my mom because she is paying for it. She didn’t want my FI’s parents names on the invitations, thought it was rude of his mom to buy monogrammed napkins with his name first, just petty stuff like that. I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown everytime she talks about something and how I’m being mean. “My mum, sadly, is a game-player and very manipulative, and I am wary of handing her that power by confessing how important it is to me.” THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT MY MOM. I’m sorry, but I thought that I was getting married! Oh such a mess. Just know you aren’t alone. I just want to get married N O W and move far…far..far away !

The topic ‘My parents aren't coming to my wedding…’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors