Post # 1
My fiance, Tommy, and I have known each other for almost 10 years now. My parents have been around him and his family and up until we started dating, never had a problem. Tommy and I started dating almost 2 years ago and at first things were great with my parents, but one day, out of no where, they flipped the switch! It was 20 questions and why this, why that… I’m still not quite sure what happened. Anyways, things got worse. At 22 years old, I was told I had to be home at 8 pm, Tommy was not allowed at my house and eventually told that my parents didn’t want to know anything about my relationship. Basically they wanted me to lie to them every time I went out with Tommy. It eventually got to the point where I moved out. Tommy and I are now in the process of getting an apartment. Things have gotten better with my parents, but Tommy is still not their favorite person.
A few months ago, we got engaged. He had spoken with my parents, mostly my mom since I am closer to her, and they didn’t tell him no, but they didn’t give him a yes either. We want to have our wedding in January which is only about 10 months aways roughly, which means we have a lot to do. I am trying to prepare myself for the worst from my parents. I’m fully expecting my dad to say he’s not walking me down the aisle and my mother to tell me she’s not helping me plan.
Has anyone else had the problem and their parents not accepting their SO and what was the outcome for you??
Thanks so much!
Post # 2
A happy time in your life is always dammed by someone who wants it the other way. Have your parents ever sat down with you and explained rationaly what their problems with your fiancé is?
Seems like you both have a sensible approach to life and you are setting up home together. Why can’t your parents see that?
Seems to me you need to approach them for a definitive answer as to what their problem might be. Hear them out and if they have nothing valid or rational to say- then it might be a idea to take some time away from them. Your parents should love and support you through this time and be excited for you. Perhaps an ultimatum of if they cannot support you and your fiancé then you don’t wish for them to come to your wedding. This might ne the most horrible thing you will ever have to do- But it might make them sit up and look at their behaviour. If they truly had no issues and nothing but love for you they will come round and support you.
If others around you family and friends are supportive and involved in your wedding arrangements they will also have to take a long hard look at themselves and realise that they cannot dictate to you.
hope this helps x
Post # 3
I haven’t had this issue myself, and my parents handle guys they don’t like a lot more graciously than that to their faces. However I always knew when they didn’t like a guy my sis was dating and I knew they were relieved when she and the last one split up. Nice guy yes. Qualities they wanted in her husband, no. I can honestly say I pretty much felt the same and I’ve seen her quality of life improve since he left (physical health, involvement in activities, stress level, etc). She probably sees that as well, even though she’s not with anyone new.
It seems your family has known Tommy for years, but not as an adult. Since you were about 12, it sounds like? So what is their reasoning right now? I don’t think liking a teenager is the same thing as wanting an adult to marry your daughter. Does he hold down a good job? In fact, are you two fully out of college if you went? Does he have good finances? A strong future plan? Does he speak to and of you respectfully? Does he engage with your family or with his phone? Are they missing out on time spent with you that is now spent with him? These are things to consider, there is likely much more that could be the problem. Have they shared concerns with you or is it just that they don’t like him and that’s that? I’d try to resolve any issues you know about but at some point you’ve just got to live your life, whether they support it or not. You’re an adult to make your own decisions and abide by the results, good or bad.
Post # 4
I write such long messages but I always forget something- I too have some difficultys – but I have dealt with it by arranging the wedding with my fiancée and our best friends ( keeping family out of plans – I will tell them when I see Them or they ask but I have not asked for their help) they might not like it but I have had their respect and people soon get over things
Post # 5
Thank you for replying! So far, the only answer they have given me is that they think he can’t take care of me. Which is understandable, however, we both have jobs, we both work and help each other when needed. I currently make more than Tommy, but that’s okay with us. My dad keeps telling me, “he better help you pay for that apartment.” And honestly, Tommy has never asked me to pay for anything for him… he’s even helped me a few times when I needed it. When I try to assure my dad that he doesn’t have anyting to worry about, he brushes me off some.
Post # 6
maybe your parents are a little old fashioned and are assuming he should be earning more money to take of you… but a marriage is about taking care of each other! You are young and you are building a life together/ you will build your home and lives together. As long as you have a roof over your heads , can pay your bills and put a meal on the table you will be happy. Just reassure your parents that he takes plenty care of you as you do to him because that’s how you work as a couple you are equal – you will both have careers and share responsibilities
Post # 7
Well my parents have just come around to actually inviting him over for things. He spent Thanksgiving Day with my family as his dad was out of town, in fact, Tommy and I spent the night before with my parents and got up at 5 am to help my mom start cooking which meant a lot to me. He can be a little quieter when around my parents, but my parents can also sometimes not include him in certain things. It’s definitely a 2-way street.
So far, the only answer I’ve been given is that they think Tommy can’t take care of me. I understand their concern and try to reassure them that there’s nothing to worry about. Tommy and I both work full time jobs. I do make a few dollars more an hour than he does, but that’s never been an issue for us. We help each other and support each other when needed.
Post # 8
I will definitely try and hope things will get better! As we go along, I will try to keep this updated so everyone knows. I appreciate your advice
please feel free to leave comments as you like and let me know if you need anything!
Post # 9
It sounds like they simply think you can do better or that you’d be settling to marry this guy. They may like him enough as a person, but not think that you two are ready to have a life together and that you’re signing yourself up for a life of struggling financially. You say it’s not a big deal that you make more than him, but money is the biggest cause of divorce, so don’t underestimate it. It’s not just about how much money you have — your spending habits, longterm financial goals, earning potential, etc. are all important to consider. Have you two had serious talks about stuff like this? Is he responsible with the money he has? There’s nothing wrong with a woman making more than a man, but it IS important that you have similar views on money and agree to a shared strategy. And it may be important to your parents that you are with someone who makes at least as much as you do. It’s an old fashioned perspective, yes, but they may want to know that you will be supported if you decide to have kids. I also wonder whether they think that he is immature in other ways? They may also think you’re young to be making such a big decison, especially if this is your first serious relationship. Perhaps agreeing to a long engagement would give them time to get used to the idea.
Post # 10
How did your parents react when you brought other boyfriends (if you had other boyfriends) to the house? Could this be just a matter of not wanting to see their little girl grow up?
No parents like to think of their children as sexual beings. I think their insistence in ignoring your Fiance and relationship is a byproduct of this. Why else would they make you come home at 8PM? Demanding you come home at 8PM, they could lie to themselves about how your dates are purely innocent. Because everybody knows that hanky panky only happens when the sun goes down.
On a side note, are you financially independent? If you’re depending on them for anything (insurance, cellphone, etc) I’d try to separate yourself. You need to remind them that you’re no longer attached by an ambilical cord. You’re a grown woman who can make her own decisions and take care of herself even without a future husband.
Post # 11
Playing Devils Advocate here so don’t get mad because I do not necessarily think this lol… Have you ever considered what your parents are feeling? I mean like, many times love does blind us and we cannot see our relationship in the same light as what others can see. Maybe your parents see something in Tommy that you haven’t yet. My aunt married a guy that no one in our family liked at all but she was so in love, she didn’t see any of the concerns we had and after they were married he ended up being abusive and they got a divorce (not saying your in an abusive relationship or anything, just an example).
Also, I sort of get the whole.. they want someone who can take care of you. Tommy may be the nicest guy and you love him, but your parents may not feel like he is ready to take care of you in the way a husband takes care of his wife. They might think he is a nice guy and he treats you with respect, but having the responsibility of a girlfriend is a little different than having a responsibility of a wife. When you are married, the responsibility for the couple in the relationship increases significantly compared to the responsibility a couple has together when dating (especially if you haven’t lived together yet). Guys mature slower than girls, so they might see some immaturity in him that makes him seem not ready to marry their daughter.
I am very glad to hear they are trying. If you really do love Tommy, hopefully your parents will see that as well and keep trying! Wishing you the best of luck!