(Closed) my parents hate eachother, need support and a good vent (nwr)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Oh my..well, my parents quarelled immensely while i was growing up and it’s because of my mum’s remarks i always believed marriage wasn’t for me..it simply couldn’t work. Then a few years ago both had serious health problems in the same year and they changed almost completely! Sure, no lovebirds, but helping each other, dreaming and planning together and they have gone a long way. I think it helped when my mum lost all her illusions (heart related). Terrible of course but it opened her eyes to what she had and what she still could have.

I don’t think there’s much you can do, unfortunatelly..i would feel terrible as well..

Post # 4
46371 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think the key message I have for you is from the Serenity Prayer,  “recognize the things I can’t change”.

Your parents are making a conscious choice to live in misery and, as unfortunate as it is, you need to respect that choice.

My parents are both dead now, but I used to be in a a similar situation. My solution was to keep them in my life, but stop staying at their home when I visited. It is much less stressful to meet them for coffee, go for a walk, or have dinner together without being exposed to them 24 hours per day.

Post # 5
31 posts
  • Wedding: October 2012

@ames12708:  Yes, that is my parents exactly although there was divorce talk for a while and my mother didn’t want to go through with it because she would “divide” the childrens loyalties.  My adivce is step back.  You can only affect how you deal with it and how it makes you feel, you can’t do anything to help them.  Stop being your Mothers counselor; it sounds like she is using you for her primary emotional support when it should be her husband….thats toxic co-depencancy.  Just tell her you can’t be that anymore, you are her daughter not her therapist. Be a friend, but a distant one. I actually moved further from home so there would be some serious physical distance…which really helps.

My Wedding Strategy: I have told my mother she is not allowed to complain about my Dad at the wedding, that not one nasty comment can come out of her mouth especially around FI’s family (which are the flipping Cleavers btw). Its sad, but I needed to let her know that that behavior wasn’t acceptable.

Post # 6
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Great advice from PPs. I will just add… *hug*

Post # 8
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My parents are in a very similar relationship. They have always fought non stop and I think they do even more now that they have nothing to do with no kids living at home.

My suggestion is to leave the room when they start fighting in front of you. I do this, or I tell them to stop acting like children (which as you can imagine just pisses them off, how dare I insult them).

I agree with PPs, stop being their counselor. It’s hard, my parents do it with me as well and you just have to set boundaries, leave the room, end the conversation, change the subject, whatever it takes.

Post # 9
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

This, right here: “this is my life it’s miserable and I just have to get through it until I die.”

That is a HUGE red flag for depression. I agree that your parents – especially your mom, based on the above statement – need help, but it sounds like that’s not a possibility right now. I’m sorry you and your parents are going through this. I know it’s tough. 🙁 *hugs* I hope eventually your parents can work things out.

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