(Closed) My parents helping with wedding cost, FILs not helping…

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
7437 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I would probably tell your parents something along the lines of “FILs are helping us in any way that they can, and both their contributions and your contributions mean so much to us.”

That way they won’t know if they don’t give you money, but it is still true that they are contributing in other ways by helping you.

Post # 4
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@shrubfish09:  Just tell your parents the truth, they aren’t helping, but you and SO apreciate so much the help you are getting from them, and it will help greatly towards the cost. And leave it at that.

Most people getting married today pay for their wedding themselves, with no help from anyone. This is the norm, I’m sure your parents know this, and it sholdn’t matter to them that your SO parents aren’t helping money wise. Plus the grooms parents don’t normally help with the wedding, its the brides side.

There should be no hurt feelings.

FYI; my SO and I are paying for everything ourslevse, except $2,500 dollars that his dad gave us without telling his mom, she belives that couples should pay for their own wedding, just like her and SO dad did. My family is not helping at all, and Im unemployed, so my SO is paying for everything minus the generous gift that his father gave us, and we were happy to have it. So far we have paid everything in cash, with only a one year engagement.

Just to see our numbers the wedding and honeymoon with spending money is coming in at $23,000, with $2,500 dollars worth of help from his dad.

Post # 5
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

If your parents only gave $2000, then unless you are having an extremely budget wedding, they aren’t paying for it all, and shouldn’t feel as though they are. I think you should just be honest, and stop spending energy pre-emptively keeping people’s feelings from being hurt when they probably won’t be anyway.

Post # 6
Member
3718 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

My in-laws are well off and aren’t contributing to the wedding (they are hosting a shower and the rehearsal). It is tradition for the brides parents to host. Be honest that they are supporting you in planning, but not financially. Also, Fiance is inviting more guests, but that is none of their business if you are paying for most of the wedding (we are paying 75%)

Post # 8
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Maybe you could explain it like you did here to us?  It sounds like you’re going to need alot of DIY help and FIL’s sound like the loving people that would help out a ton with that.  I’m sure your parents will understand. 

Post # 9
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

i would tell my parents if it was me … and at risk of being attacked for saying this, I think both the bride and grooms parents should help out financially with their child’s wedding – even if its a small amount …. and I know that if I was helping my child out financially with their wedding and the partners parents weren’t and I wasn’t told but found out through some other means then I’d be pretty annoyed about that – what’s to hide? Tell them.

Post # 10
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@mishagirls79:  i agree that most couples pay for the wedding themselves, but receiving money from parents to help out is more of like a gift than expected … My husband and I paid for everything ourselves and budgetted the wedding to what WE could afford, not what we could afford with x amount of dollars from this parent and x amount from that parent etc any money we received from parents went towards helping paying for it.

Post # 11
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Help can mean more than just monetary help.  If they can’t afford to help with a wedding (which is a want, not a need—a courthouse wedding is fine), then that’s totally okay.  In my opinion, (especially in this day and age when 50% of marriages end in dovorce), parents don’t owe their children anything when it comes to a wedding.

On that note, my husband and I paid for the wedding ourselves (or planned to anyway), and we wanted it that way, because although both sets of our parents are doing okay financially (they don’t work factory jobs, for example), they aren’t wealthy, and we want them to save their money for their own retirement, which is coming up soon.

However, both his parents and my mom wanted to help *a little*, and we let them (maybe….8% of our entire budget, combined from both of them?) a little, but only accepted a small amount.  For example, my mom MADE favors, and his parents bough our flower garlands for the hindu ceremony, along with a couple other smallish things.

We would have been perfectly happy just treating them as honored guests, though.  Anything else was just icing on the cake.

By the way, we still addressed our invites as our parents inviting, because we don’t mind if people think our parents paid for everything.  😉

Post # 12
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

mostly bride’s parents pay/help pay for the wedding, my future in-laws are going to host the rehearsal, and my Future Father-In-Law is actually my fiance’s best man, and his brother and sister are in the wedding so we didnt ask them for anything because I know they dont have alot and I do agree that how it is know mostly the couple pay for their own wedding.

Just tell your parents that your future inlaws arent in the fianicial state where they can help, and you appreciate everything that your parents are doing for you, maybe if you can have your parents feel really involved or allow them to invite a few people they would like to.

Post # 13
Member
14659 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

It’s no one business who is giving what except for you and your Fiance.  Why do you have to tell them anything??   If you parents want to gift you with money for the wedding, that is their choice, but its none of their buisness what your ILs are or are not contributing to your budget.  My ILs didnt ask us if my parents were helping, and my parents (who paid over 50%) never asked what the ILs were going to do or pay for (which was the rehersal dinner).  And since it was a gift, honestly, I dont even know what the rehersal dinner cost cause I didnt see the bill.   I would just tell your parents you are grateful for theiri gift, but wish to keep the money (or lack of) from the ILs private, as you have kept their gift private from them as well.  (Which you should, since I see no reason to share that info)

Post # 14
Member
2268 posts
Buzzing bee

@mishagirls79:  “Just tell your parents the truth, they aren’t helping, but you and SO apreciate so much the help you are getting from them, and it will help greatly towards the cost. And leave it at that.”

This is exactly what I would do in your situation.

‘Help’ isn’t always financial.

Post # 15
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Is it your parents’ business if they contribute or not if you’re managing the wedding budget?

Just saying–my father offered us money to help pay for the wedding but he didn’t ask for a score sheet or anything else.

Post # 16
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If your parents aren’t paying for the whole thing, it’s none of their business what percentages who pays. You guys set your own budget and then be thankful for whatever extra comes in. No one needs to know who is paying for what or be embarrassed because they can’t help more. 

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