My parents. Long.

posted 3 years ago in No Kids
Post # 2
67 posts
Worker bee

 You can’t control her guilt. It seems to me that she has been trying to be strong for you but deep down felt that your stance on the matter is largely the result of something she feels is her fault. There is no way for you to control her guilt, but you can communicate to her exactly how you feel. Don’t come at her from a place of anger, but one of understanding and letting her know that she doesn’t have to blame herself. If she continues to do that, then it is on her, but at least you made your feelings known. 

Your parents seem onboard with everything to you, because they want to respect your decision and support you. But the by circumstance part clearly weighs on your mom so it’s hard for her to realize that people also have a choice. So by not wanting to upset you, she vents to your aunt. I would convey to her that you do have other options despite the circumstance, but now you’ve made a life choice so she shouldn’t let that weigh on her. Let her know that she didn’t take anything away from you because it’s a choice that you control and have always controlled. Thank her for being strong for you (in the sense that she put on a brave front) but you’re strong for yourself at are fully at peace with your decisions because of your own choices, not circumstance. 

The crying about grandkids things is normal for a lot of parents those who choose to be CFBC. The difference in your case is that she feels responsible. A convo isn’t going to automatically change her feelings, but it should make you feel better and at least everything will be out in the open. 

Post # 3
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

This is a tough one. Do you think it’s possible that she doesn’t believe you’re really ok with it? Like that you SAY you never grieved, but just tell her that to alleviate guilt? I think hearing from you that you are genuinely comfortable with this may help (and not in a casual “omg we’ll have so much disposable income ” way, but more of a “mom, i really want you to understand that even if i had the choice, i would still make this one”).

It’s great that you’re going to have some relief! Two week periods sound dreadful!

Post # 4
1737 posts
Bumble bee

I haven’t wise words of wisdom for you. You’re stuck in a horrible position with this. 

I just want to offer you a big hug it’s sounds like you need it.

Post # 5
125 posts
Blushing bee

This is a tricky one!

Im sure its a surprise to hear your mum wasn’t as chilled as you thought she was. 

She sounds like she blames herself for everything, even though she has no reason to. The only thing you can do is (as pp said) help her understand that you would have chosen this regardless of the health implications. As long as its the truth I’m sure she will see you mean it and it may help her feel less guilty. I’m sure she will always carry some guilt and grief, it’s just what a mother does knowing they are to blame, regardless of whether they really are or not. It can’t be helped, they don’t want you to have anything less than what you deserve.

Don’t be mad she has told your aunt. She isnt doing it as something to gossip. She is doing it to rant about something she feels. Its better she confides in someone than make you feel her guilt trip 

Post # 6
4844 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Well I’d never trust her with personal information again. And your aunt is being a jerk, well intended or not. 

Post # 7
5621 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

It doesn’t always make sense to expect other people to not share information with others.  Your mother is clearly very emotional about this and didn’t feel she could talk to you about it so she needed to share her feelings with her sister, I don’t think you can fault her on that. 

But I can’t understand her grief about being Grandchild free NOT by choice because I never grieved my position.

You really can’t understand that she would feel some grief in knowing that you will never have grandkids? She obviously imagined that as part of her life and it’s normal for her to grieve what will never be.  

I’m not sure what you want out of this, your parents seem respectful and diplomatic in their interactions with you regarding this topic but you can’t force them to share your view point.  You are allowed to make whatever decisions you feel is best for your health and lifestyle and as long as they are outwardly supportive they are allowed to be disappointed deep down, you probably can’t change that. 

Post # 8
1405 posts
Bumble bee

Personally I’d be very upset that she shared information with the aunt. This was personal medical information and it was up to you to decide who is privy to that information. I would not be trusting her with any information that I don’t want spreading to others anymore. I’d also talk to her and let her know that I would now be keeping things more private because I don’t want information spreading to people I have not chosen to share with.

I definitely think you can fault your mom for sharing your medical information with someone you haven’t ok’d. However emotional she is, she does not have the right to be spreading your private information around. Sharing your medical decisions with her is a privilege and if she can’t be trusted with what she learns, then that privilege can be revoked.

Post # 9
1035 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
dodobee :  Although not in your exact position, I know how it is to feel bad that others feel bad you’re not having kids. I know that my mom feels slightly bad for me not having kids.  I’ve had to impress on her that there’s nothing to feel bad about because I’m choosing this life. I don’t feel like I’m missing out because being a parent isn’t something I’ve ever wanted. I think she’s come around though. I think it’s hard for people to imagine someone else willfully giving up something they themselves wanted. (If that makes sense) Just talk to your mom and let her know that she doesn’t need to be sad for you or feel sorry for you. 

Post # 10
2591 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club

View original reply
dodobee :  I would call her back. I would tell her that you do not wish for your information to be shared as it is very personal to you. Tell her that you are CFBC and that is not up for negotiation. Tell her you have complications which cause you pain with menstruation. You don’t ned to give details if you’re not comfortable. Since you will not be having children, why suffer through this? Tell her you have made your decision and you are informing her of your decision and that you would like her support, but will understand if she has a differing opinion.

Post # 11
1023 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
dodobee :  Your aunt is completely out of line. It is not her place to insert her opinion into what you do with your uterus.

Your mother should not be confiding your medical information to her sister. I get that your mum is upset, and everybody vents (she could vent to a trusted friend), but the person she vents to has NO business contacting you about your personal medical problems.

As to your mum’s guilt, I think she is reacting in an odd manner.

She’s allowed to grief that she won’t have grandchildren.

She’s not allowed to make you feel bad about it. I understand in this case, her aunt is the one who is making you feel bad. But your mum’s feelings aren’t what’s important here.

It sounds like you have similiar symptoms to me. I was not a candidant for an ablation and I was very upset that I could not have the procedure. I wish you luck.

Post # 13
9184 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
dodobee :  I am so sorry this happened. Being guilted is something a lot of CF(by circumstance or choice) people get and it is really unfair. 

Your Aunt is at fault here. Sorry but if someone confides in you, you don’t go and blab to the person they confided in you about. Honestly it sounds more like your Aunt is the one who isn’t onboard with your choices, not that she gets a say but it is again a prime example of how other people impose their view that women must reproduce on the CFBC. She sucks sorry!

As for your mum, well I would tackle it from the view of how it made you feel. When Aunty Blabbermouth did this it made me feel attacked/invalidated/belittled. I can fully understand needing to vent or work through her emotions around what is happening and can definitely see how she might feel guilt over what she thinks (wrongly) is her fault (I am talking about the infertility and not the decision to be CFBC) but she needs to accept the fact that this isn’t about your infertility but about the decision you made as an adult to be CFBC. Maybe that needs to be reiterated again to her because often people just hear what they want to hear.

I would also call Aunty Blabbermouth and give her some of the same with an extra serving of guilt trip. I would also tell her in no uncertain terms that she needs to shut up and not discuss your personal business with anyone else.

I can 100% understand where you are coming from by the way. I get the pitying “oh so that’s why you don’t want kids” crap all the time when people find out about the cancer. My decision to be CFBC came long before any of that but thanks for playing CFBC bingo and letting me know that the only possible reason why I wouldn’t want kids is because of a medical reason.

Post # 15
115 posts
Blushing bee

I’d be mad at your aunt but your mom started it, so the blame needs to be placed firmly on her as well. Your aunt wouldn’t know anything if your mom hadn’t blabbed. I understand her need to come to terms with the fact that she won’t have grandkids but it sounds like she’s had years to do so. If she is truly emotional incapable of accepting that, she has some work to do on herself. Your situation reminds me of some of my family members who make EVERYTHING about them. Every decision you make, everything you say, every issue you have- it’s somehow about them. So that probably makes me saltier than usual in response to your post. You spent years being honest with your mom and she spent years being dishonest, in a way, with you. You guys need to have a big discussion at some point and your mom needs to buck up. She has you, you’re happy and trying to be healthy, she should count her blessings. 

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