Post # 1
Hi Bee’s! So recently I posted about my desire to look into sterilization, a permanent surgical solution to end the two week long, monthly horror show that is my period, and to close the book on unwanted pregnancies at last. I decided upon looking for a surgeon to perform an endometrial ablation. Darling Husband is worried but supportive of the choice (he’d much rather I never have to have another surgery again, of course)
Now, I told my parent’s the general idea of what I was doing. We have an ok relationship and I would never go into a surgery without them knowing. And of course I love them and want them to know what’s going on in my life, to an extent. What I did not do was go into the finer details as to my periods and what they do to me. How awkard! They of course know all about my condition and the fact I’m cfbc both choice and circumstance. They have always been supportive, and even go so far as to joke that if they could do it over, they’d be rich and living somewhere remote without us. (No hurt feelings at all! I think they’ve always wanted to make me feel normal and like I wouldn’t miss out)
Because of this, I mentioned it so casually and changed subjects so quickly they didn’t get to ask questions. Later I get a call from my Aunt, asking me to please not put myself through such a risky procedure and YET ANOTHER operation, just to make a stance or take away the minor inconvenience of birth control. I couldn’t believe it! I know she did it out of a place of care but I was shocked my parents told other people about my deeply personal issue! And they told it wrong! My Aunt could sense I was FUMING.
She begged me please not to yell at my mother, that I didn’t understand how much she felt she failed me with my faulty genetics and how often she would tell her sisters that she would carry as many children for me as I wanted if I ever chose to be a mother through surrrogacy. Or failing that she would find me one or help me adopt. And as time marches my age closer to the age of no return, her guilt is getting worse.
She told me how often my mother would cry about thinking I was trying to be strong for HER. She also would cry that she would never know grandkids from me. Aunt said she never wanted me to know these things. That she felt it would put pressure on me. It blew my mind, because my whole life I believed my parents were just as chilled about the whole thing as me.
Now I’m torn…I’m still mad, but do I step out of what makes me comfortable and tell her the in’s and outs, try to impress the discomfort I’m suffering, or will that make her guilt worse? Do I tell her I know her true feelings and try to convince her again, that I’m fine. But I can’t understand her grief about being Grandchild free NOT by choice because I never grieved my position. Bee ‘s with parents who tried to understand but couldn’t out of love for you, what did you do? What do I say?
Post # 2
You can’t control her guilt. It seems to me that she has been trying to be strong for you but deep down felt that your stance on the matter is largely the result of something she feels is her fault. There is no way for you to control her guilt, but you can communicate to her exactly how you feel. Don’t come at her from a place of anger, but one of understanding and letting her know that she doesn’t have to blame herself. If she continues to do that, then it is on her, but at least you made your feelings known.
Your parents seem onboard with everything to you, because they want to respect your decision and support you. But the by circumstance part clearly weighs on your mom so it’s hard for her to realize that people also have a choice. So by not wanting to upset you, she vents to your aunt. I would convey to her that you do have other options despite the circumstance, but now you’ve made a life choice so she shouldn’t let that weigh on her. Let her know that she didn’t take anything away from you because it’s a choice that you control and have always controlled. Thank her for being strong for you (in the sense that she put on a brave front) but you’re strong for yourself at are fully at peace with your decisions because of your own choices, not circumstance.
The crying about grandkids things is normal for a lot of parents those who choose to be CFBC. The difference in your case is that she feels responsible. A convo isn’t going to automatically change her feelings, but it should make you feel better and at least everything will be out in the open.
Post # 3
This is a tough one. Do you think it’s possible that she doesn’t believe you’re really ok with it? Like that you SAY you never grieved, but just tell her that to alleviate guilt? I think hearing from you that you are genuinely comfortable with this may help (and not in a casual “omg we’ll have so much disposable income ” way, but more of a “mom, i really want you to understand that even if i had the choice, i would still make this one”).
It’s great that you’re going to have some relief! Two week periods sound dreadful!
Post # 4
I haven’t wise words of wisdom for you. You’re stuck in a horrible position with this.
I just want to offer you a big hug it’s sounds like you need it.
Post # 5
This is a tricky one!
Im sure its a surprise to hear your mum wasn’t as chilled as you thought she was.
She sounds like she blames herself for everything, even though she has no reason to. The only thing you can do is (as pp said) help her understand that you would have chosen this regardless of the health implications. As long as its the truth I’m sure she will see you mean it and it may help her feel less guilty. I’m sure she will always carry some guilt and grief, it’s just what a mother does knowing they are to blame, regardless of whether they really are or not. It can’t be helped, they don’t want you to have anything less than what you deserve.
Don’t be mad she has told your aunt. She isnt doing it as something to gossip. She is doing it to rant about something she feels. Its better she confides in someone than make you feel her guilt trip
Post # 6
Well I’d never trust her with personal information again. And your aunt is being a jerk, well intended or not.
Post # 7
It doesn’t always make sense to expect other people to not share information with others. Your mother is clearly very emotional about this and didn’t feel she could talk to you about it so she needed to share her feelings with her sister, I don’t think you can fault her on that.
But I can’t understand her grief about being Grandchild free NOT by choice because I never grieved my position.
You really can’t understand that she would feel some grief in knowing that you will never have grandkids? She obviously imagined that as part of her life and it’s normal for her to grieve what will never be.
I’m not sure what you want out of this, your parents seem respectful and diplomatic in their interactions with you regarding this topic but you can’t force them to share your view point. You are allowed to make whatever decisions you feel is best for your health and lifestyle and as long as they are outwardly supportive they are allowed to be disappointed deep down, you probably can’t change that.
Post # 8
Personally I’d be very upset that she shared information with the aunt. This was personal medical information and it was up to you to decide who is privy to that information. I would not be trusting her with any information that I don’t want spreading to others anymore. I’d also talk to her and let her know that I would now be keeping things more private because I don’t want information spreading to people I have not chosen to share with.
I definitely think you can fault your mom for sharing your medical information with someone you haven’t ok’d. However emotional she is, she does not have the right to be spreading your private information around. Sharing your medical decisions with her is a privilege and if she can’t be trusted with what she learns, then that privilege can be revoked.
Post # 9
dodobee : Although not in your exact position, I know how it is to feel bad that others feel bad you’re not having kids. I know that my mom feels slightly bad for me not having kids. I’ve had to impress on her that there’s nothing to feel bad about because I’m choosing this life. I don’t feel like I’m missing out because being a parent isn’t something I’ve ever wanted. I think she’s come around though. I think it’s hard for people to imagine someone else willfully giving up something they themselves wanted. (If that makes sense) Just talk to your mom and let her know that she doesn’t need to be sad for you or feel sorry for you.
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club
dodobee : I would call her back. I would tell her that you do not wish for your information to be shared as it is very personal to you. Tell her that you are CFBC and that is not up for negotiation. Tell her you have complications which cause you pain with menstruation. You don’t ned to give details if you’re not comfortable. Since you will not be having children, why suffer through this? Tell her you have made your decision and you are informing her of your decision and that you would like her support, but will understand if she has a differing opinion.
Post # 11
dodobee : Your aunt is completely out of line. It is not her place to insert her opinion into what you do with your uterus.
Your mother should not be confiding your medical information to her sister. I get that your mum is upset, and everybody vents (she could vent to a trusted friend), but the person she vents to has NO business contacting you about your personal medical problems.
As to your mum’s guilt, I think she is reacting in an odd manner.
She’s allowed to grief that she won’t have grandchildren.
She’s not allowed to make you feel bad about it. I understand in this case, her aunt is the one who is making you feel bad. But your mum’s feelings aren’t what’s important here.
It sounds like you have similiar symptoms to me. I was not a candidant for an ablation and I was very upset that I could not have the procedure. I wish you luck.
Post # 12
Thank you all for your responses, I’ve been having trouble tagging each individual. You are right I cannot control her guilt. I wanted to be kind and not angry, so I haven’t called yet. She and I have had many discussions over the years and I had (thought) I had made it very clear that this life was not purely symptomatic of my illness. I had made firm choices to live this lifestyle long before my condition progressed to the point where I couldn’t carry a baby. I had been both glib and sincere. She’s still projecting. I’m sorry, I didn’t word myself correctly when I said I didn’t understand her guilt. I absolutely did- but in the last few decades, instead of coming to an uneasy peace, I don’t know why she’s getting worse… All of you saying my Aunt and my Mother did shitty things talking about my private business behind my back and then confronting me- you are absolutely right too. I am so hurt, and feel so deeply betrayed, I cried yesterday and I rarely ever do. Who knows how far this has gone, do ALL of my family know? My younger cousins, who know a little of my medical history, will I get pitying looks from them now? But bashing my family is not what I want to do here. I haven’t called, because I am going to make it worse in this state, I may damage the relationship between them if I said that I know, and it’s just more of the same of what they did to me. As to what I want, I don’t know how far I should go…is anymore understanding called for here? Should I now be abrupt, to the point of rude? I wanted my mum to be in my corner because she understood – not to pay me face and be crumbling inside, pretending. Now that I know she is, I’m trying to be ok with the fact she is able to talk to someone if not me (I’m “glad” it’s not just a friend) about how she’s been feeling. That why I’m so torn as to what to do. Sincere and rational discussion, even with just a little of the gory detail, (although that makes me so uncomfortable and as PP’s mentioned may not stay private) is an option, trying to keep my temper… This really fucking sucks. Thanks for reading if you got this far, I guess I needed a vent as well as advice.
Post # 13
dodobee : I am so sorry this happened. Being guilted is something a lot of CF(by circumstance or choice) people get and it is really unfair.
Your Aunt is at fault here. Sorry but if someone confides in you, you don’t go and blab to the person they confided in you about. Honestly it sounds more like your Aunt is the one who isn’t onboard with your choices, not that she gets a say but it is again a prime example of how other people impose their view that women must reproduce on the CFBC. She sucks sorry!
As for your mum, well I would tackle it from the view of how it made you feel. When Aunty Blabbermouth did this it made me feel attacked/invalidated/belittled. I can fully understand needing to vent or work through her emotions around what is happening and can definitely see how she might feel guilt over what she thinks (wrongly) is her fault (I am talking about the infertility and not the decision to be CFBC) but she needs to accept the fact that this isn’t about your infertility but about the decision you made as an adult to be CFBC. Maybe that needs to be reiterated again to her because often people just hear what they want to hear.
I would also call Aunty Blabbermouth and give her some of the same with an extra serving of guilt trip. I would also tell her in no uncertain terms that she needs to shut up and not discuss your personal business with anyone else.
I can 100% understand where you are coming from by the way. I get the pitying “oh so that’s why you don’t want kids” crap all the time when people find out about the cancer. My decision to be CFBC came long before any of that but thanks for playing CFBC bingo and letting me know that the only possible reason why I wouldn’t want kids is because of a medical reason.
Post # 14
j_jaye : Thank you. I feel like you empathise with me so much more and I’m grateful for that. I don’t have many people in my life who really understand. You’re right I’m so angry with my Aunt I can’t speak to her right now. I used to think she understood, at least enough not to be insensitive, but either shes masquerading her distaste of my choices as concern, or she truely doesn’t understand the complexities of what my condition means.
I think you’re right and directing the comversation at her will be more productive. And I want to know who else she told.
You’re so bloody (bad pun) right about the pitying cbfc bingo bullshit…It makes It so much worse, so I try my best to keep It private. So much for that…
Post # 15
I’d be mad at your aunt but your mom started it, so the blame needs to be placed firmly on her as well. Your aunt wouldn’t know anything if your mom hadn’t blabbed. I understand her need to come to terms with the fact that she won’t have grandkids but it sounds like she’s had years to do so. If she is truly emotional incapable of accepting that, she has some work to do on herself. Your situation reminds me of some of my family members who make EVERYTHING about them. Every decision you make, everything you say, every issue you have- it’s somehow about them. So that probably makes me saltier than usual in response to your post. You spent years being honest with your mom and she spent years being dishonest, in a way, with you. You guys need to have a big discussion at some point and your mom needs to buck up. She has you, you’re happy and trying to be healthy, she should count her blessings.