My parents not congratulating me on my engagement

posted 9 months ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee

I wonder whether your mum didn’t click that you’re officially engaged – you mentioned you explained that you’d decided that you’d like to get married. 

 

Either way perhaps she was in shock. We can act a bit strange when we are in shock!

Post # 6
Member
3328 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Do you think it’s because you have an infant? Maybe your mom thinks you need to wait until your child is older to focus your attention on the child and not a wedding? I’m not really sure… 

I think there is some background information missing. 

Nevertheless, congrats!!!

Post # 7
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee

Maybe they were secretly hoping it would not end in marriage. 

Post # 8
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

Is it maybe because she doesn’t have any money to give you and doesn’t think you can afford it with the new baby? Money can make people act weird instead of vocalizing how they really feel. or does she not like your fiancé? Also how old are you? Make she feels like you’re too young (even though you’re a mom). 

Post # 9
Member
4484 posts
Honey bee

In my experience (secondhand from watching family and friends who did baby first, engagement second), news of an engagement isn’t really a celebratory thing so much as news of what many consider to be a foregone conclusion.  I mean, you already committed your lives to each other by deciding to be the parents of a child together, so many people just view the decision to get married after that as anticlimactic and for some perhaps even obligatory.  You’ve already taken that step to be committed to each other in some way. 

And not knowing your wedding plans, there could be the assumption that you plan to do the whole wedding just like you would have if you had done marriage first, child second, which many may find financially irresponsible, considering many people pay more for daycare than they do their mortgage payment every month and expenditures for the child should come first.  There may be some concern about prioritizing a wedding.  I know many people who feel that courthouse or immediate family only with a dinner should be done in this scenario and consider a traditional engagement and wedding frivolous (more frivolous than it already is) when the money should be saved for emergencies or the child’s education/future.  Or in some cases, there is some disappointment because once a child is in the picture and emergency or extra expenses creep up, weddings become more theoretical and keep getting pushed out.  One friend didn’t get married until her child was 4 years old because other expenses kept coming up. 

Not that it necessarily excuses their cold behavior, but just to give you an idea of where they potentially may be coming from on this.  Perhaps their concern and/or viewing this as more just an obvious conclusion overshadowed what would normally be the usual congratulations.  Things become a lot more practical when a baby comes along, from my experience.

Post # 10
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Agree with bees about their worries/fears about your finances being expressed as anger, but maybe also disappointment? My parents are like that too, where they express themselves with tough love and scoldings when they get worried for us.

It’s not very nice of them not to congratulate you both, but I’m wondering if they might also have been disappointed that you guys didn’t go to the courthouse before the baby was born (if they are more conservative) as my parents definitely would have pushed really hard for this, and probably would have the same reaction (cart before the horse) if we decided to delay it. They would probably then figure that they have to accept the situation and be practical (love the sinners attitude).

Having accepted and then being faced with the reality that it’s not that marriage didn’t mean enough (just not #1 priority) might be sort of hard for them to swallow, in the sense that it’s buried disappointment/frustration coming out much later. My parents tell me sometimes they feel “cheated” out of certain experiences because they also had dreams of how life would turn out for us. Just mentioning because they might not admit this to you.

Are you also depending on them for financial support now or for the wedding? If so then take steps to minimize the amount for sure! It could be that they are also stressed and embarrassed they can’t help.

Post # 11
Member
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

maybe it just genuine concern. some people forget the formalities when i shock. ide askif they felt happy for me. seems like you have to be specific

Post # 12
Member
13586 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I really do wonder if there’s more to the story here – maybe even something that OP doesn’t realize.  It could also just be that after having such a young baby, this is another big step/change and your parents are worried that it’s too much all at once.  

Post # 13
Member
1372 posts
Bumble bee

Maybe she doesn’t like your fiance…? 

Post # 14
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I also am curious to know how old you are and if your parents have ever expressed issues/concerns about your partner before? 

 

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