Post # 1
I need to get this out. Here’s a bit of my past: my folks have been married for 35 years but it is definitely not the best marriage. I am the youngest of 3, and my other two siblings have families while I’ve been in LTRs which have ended after discussing “the next step” for a multitude of reasons. Some of them in involve me being cheated on, the last one was because he didn’t want to ever have children.
Last year I was very candid with them about one of my best guy friends, who I dated for a few months. I ended up breaking up with him because both of us knew there really wasn’t a future. I was honest with my folks, who I was previously very close to, about the reason I had broken up. My normally logical father’s response? ANGER. Why didn’t I give my friend “more time”?
And lately, it is quite often a discussion about my decision to have a child after 30. My parents were upset I decided to go to college? And said I should think about having a family instead.
Flash forward to now. After going out on dates and playing the field, so to speak, I met my wonderful BF. Everything lined up, and incredibly we both knew “this was it” the first night. I never thought this individual could exist. My friends love him and agree. He and I talk candidly, and openly about our future and we both have meshing timelines. This is one of the happiest and MOST exciting times of my life, so naturally I would like to share it.
But the reaction from my parents? “Well, we’ll see.”
I need to add that I’m in my mid-twenties, and even though our family has had some fertility issues, my BF and I agreed to start trying in about 4-5 years. We have a general engagement timeline as well, and have been dating less than a year. I am very involved with him, his family, and both of our friend circles. My folks live out of state and haven’t met him yet.
Should I not be this pissed?
Post # 3
((HUGS)) i know exactly what you’re going through, after all i’m the habitual fiance, never wife ;)… i think they want to see you happy and for them being married makes them happy. and the fact that you’re the youngest means that you’re still the baby in their eyes. i’d relax and ignore them.. because in the end you know what’s right for you and isn’t it the coolest thing in the world to be with the person made for you?
Post # 4
Parents are crazy! Who knows how they work…
I used to introduce my parents to the girls I dated, but my mom would get excited about each one and then disappointed when things didn’t work out. Finally she just told me, “I don’t want to meet anyone else until you’re going to marry them.”
At first I thought that was weird, but it made sense after a while. Maybe your parents are going through something similar, and are trying to keep their hopes/dreams in check?
I’m sure they’ll come around and love your Fiance just as much as you do!!
Post # 5
wow… your only in your mid 20’s and your parents are pressuring you to get married? Are you serious?? This isn’t the 16th century. You’re not an “old maid”
Man, people I know haven’t even gotten married until they are 30-35. That’s the norm here.
Wouldn’t your parents want you to have a career first and be successful in your own right? Maybe they are really traditional, but I’m from a rural area and I’ve never heard of parents pressuring a mid-20 year old to get married. lol
You should still be bar hopping, etc.
Post # 6
Well, they are a midwestern military family. I guess my father comes from the thought that a college education isn’t necessary – which in his case, wasn’t. But my BF supports my decision to persue a degree in a field which would start me out over 100K – and frankly in this day and age you need to have that. His mother is the same way… but I suspect it’s because she is nearing the end of her life. She just wants to see me happy.
I am ridiculously annoyed that they seem skeptical. He’s even told his parents his intentions with me. And I am the first woman to go “home” – it happened after our second date. :/
Post # 7
I understand where they’re coming from somewhat… I’ve always been guarded when it comes to family member’s significant others. I really WANT to like these people, but I don’t want to get too attached in the event that it doesn’t work out.
I can also see the other side. You love this man & you want your family to love him as much as you do. They will in time… once you’re engaged I’m sure they’ll accept him with open arms! 🙂
Post # 8
My family has had fertility problems, and I discussed it with my ob gyn she said most are not hereditary so don’t worry. I am 32 and getting married next year, I have my masters and a great job I am glad I waited for the right person and the right time. I won’t have to stress about putting food on the table or my kids going without.. don’t let your parents’ pressure you
Post # 9
I think most parents are “skeptical” when their daughters are gushing over their new love. My mom said the same thing for a solid year or two and then realized I really meant it when I said this guy was *it*. You don’t have to justify your relationship to your parents or talk tot hem about it if they aren’t supportive. There came a time when I got tired of the lack of support (particularly when DH was deployed, my parents told me to suck it up and get over it….) and I started cutting back the personal conversations in order to lighten the load on my heart. As long as YOU are happy, don’t worry about your parents. Maybe start limiting the information you feed them =].
Post # 10
I absolutely need to. I am going to visit them for the holiday this month and I’m already ridiculously annoyed… so I’ll be giving myself some distance.
Post # 11
It’s really really tough at first. I used to talk to my mom about everything. THen it would leak to my dad (even tho i’d tell her not to tell him stuff) and then they’d get really into my business and tell me that i was being ridiculous by being private. So, really, by not telling them a thing or simply stating, “well, it’s really none of your business” and then being FIRM about it and not giving them an inch really helps. Just say you want to keep your “private life private”. It’s really hard at first though, but then you realize that you are just so much happier by not telling them every little thing in your life.
Of course this totally backfired on me once–when i got engaged my mom sat me down and had a talking to me. She wanted to know if I really loved him because I don’t *seem* like i do. Her reason was because I don’t talk about him enough!! AHHH. Go figure.
Don’t let ’em get you down. It’ll ruin your whole holiday if you let them grind away at you. If you keep them at arms distance you’re so much better off!
Post # 12
Thanks for the great advice!
Post # 13
This happened with me too – and I was also in my mid-20s! When my Fiance and I were not engaged after a year and a half, my family called me “a fool” and told me that this man would never marry me. Yes, I dated a lot (whereas everyone else in my family has been with the same person since high school) and yes my heart was broken a few times. But my Fiance and I have the BEST relationship, and we feel incredibly lucky to have found each other. We had to stand by the fact that we knew “us” and at the end of the day, the relationship is about those two people.
We are now happily engaged and THRILLED to be getting married. Hold onto the feelings that you have for each other and concentrate on that – and congratulations on finding such a wonderful match!
Post # 14
I understand why your upset but i thik you went wrong when you started telling your folks about details. you are old enought o live your life how you want to live without anyone passing judgment but im afraid if you give your folks amunition thats the typical responce you will recieve.
trust me i get it from my folks, made the mistake telling them after 4 months of dating my current BF that we’re getting married etc, and now 3 1/2 years later still not engaged, now they just throw everything in my face…pricks! but anyway so i know how you feel, you dont have to tell them anything, i often get excited and tell them stuff but now i dont because they just throw it back at me.
Keep strong, and just live your life, and dont get distracted by others telling YOU, what THEY THINK you should do, non of their business including parents!
good luck! *hugs*
Post # 15
Don’t share so much information with your parents. They obviously don’t react well to it.