My partner hates working

posted 11 months ago in Relationships
Post # 91
Member
11303 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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indigobee :  

Lots of people love their jobs.  I know quite a few.  One common denominator seems to be self employment or owning the business.  But, there are many working in job-jobs who are happy in their roles.

It is totally possible to wake up early just because you’re excited about what you’ll be working on that day.

I have been there several times and on my way back as we speak.  Super excited.

Post # 92
Member
746 posts
Busy bee

I also F***ing HATE working. If I could have a trust fund or independent wealth I would take it in a heartbeat. There are so many more valuable and important things I could do with my time. 

But I also enjoy living a nice quality of life, so I work and build a career and do all the adult things… because thats what adults do. 

Post # 93
Member
1034 posts
Bumble bee

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sassy411 :  

You’re quite right. 🙂

I love my job, and I know a few people who do.

I maybe should have said, I don’t know any adults who love the fact of having to work.

But even that might not be true! You’re right, many people are content in job-jobs, and the satisfaction in owning your own business or working from home is a lot higher.

It’s really all about finding the right fit for you, and of course, you have to be motivated to find this.

Post # 95
Member
1070 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I hate working, I could totally fill my time by not working and volunteering, learning, studying etc. however I also like having a car, house, food, insurance, medication, electricity etc so I find a way to earn money and suck it up. He may have anxiety but then maybe he needs to get creative and find work he can do from home or become self employed etc. Just giving up and spending time on sick leave and hoping that you will sort him out financially is not a good life direction 

Post # 96
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

After 8 years of him being exactly who he is, why are you still expecting he will change, and how much time is “soon”? 

Don’t marry and build a life with someone who you need to see fundamental changes in to be satisfied long term. 

Post # 97
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee

It’s disconcerting that you mentioned that you suspect he has a serious personality disorder so casually… you sound like you’re in denial. Based on your past experiences of abuse, it’s likely you have a slightly warped view of what a healthy relationship looks like.

Post # 98
Member
42 posts
Newbee

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jellysoup :  you mentioned in one of your follow ups that you created this thread looking for advice rather than to have your relationship attacked. I think the problem is that many of the posters do not see how the relationship is salvageable.  I was in your shoes several years ago. I was with someone I thought was my soul mate, perfect in every way, except for the tiny issue of he couldn’t keep a job. I tried being patient, being supportive, asking everyone in the world for advice, reading men are from Mars women are from Venus. Ultimately, I realized that I wanted a family and the more time I waste on him the longer I’m gambling with my fertility. Yes, it was painful to end the relationship and I questioned if I did the right thing many times. Now in hindsight I can see it was absolutely the right move. OP, you are 28 years old. Do you want to waste more years hoping for a change only to realize in your 30s that you need a new partner and now there is the pressure of the “ticking clock?” I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you want kids, stop gambling with your fertility and cut your losses now. 

Post # 99
Hostess
4550 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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mg8301 :  My D.H. is like you (not like OP’s fiance).  He’s had a job he’s HATED for years, but he still gets up every morning, gives it his best effort and looks for other jobs on his days off to try to change the situation.  He’s exhausted and goes through periods of depression where he’s not himself, but he still forces it because he knows we have to pay our bills. 

OP, I know you’re discouraged because we haven’t been able to give you advice on how to make this relationship work when you really want it to.  I liked PP advice of moving out, not paying any of his bills, not driving him around, and seeing what happens.  If he pushes himself and can adult in those circumstances, maybe your relationship can work later on.  I would, at least, delay the wedding indefinitely while you see if he is willing to make this change (and put it into practice).  This will tell you one of two things: (1) He IS able to work, but actively chose to be lazy and mooch off of you for 8 years or (2) He cannot be bothered to take care of himself, and someone else (family, the Government, etc.) will always have to pick up that burden. Honestly, I would not be happy to confirm either of those things, because while (1) is seemingly the preferable outcome, I’d be really unhappy to know that my S.O. actively chose to put me in that situation. 

If this is a life that you are happy to live, none of us are going to stop you from being with him.  I think the majority of us just look at your situation and think about how untenable it is.  How exhausting it must be.  How frustrating.  How resentful we would be of someone who was supposed to be a partner, but instead acted like a dependent child.  Even though we don’t know you, we want more for you than a life of resentment, exhaustion, and frustration.  

Post # 100
Member
11303 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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Anonymous1063 :  

You would trust this guy with a child?

Post # 101
Member
2569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

There are lots of people in the world who don’t want to work. Lots of  SAHP who don’t really want to do that, but it’s better than working a job. I don’t understand the mentality of sitting out because you don’t want to work, but feeling a-ok with sending your spouse out to work. That would not be ok with me in a relationship.

Post # 102
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I am not surprised that he’s so attentive to you, he’s overcompensating for the fact that he doesn’t contribute in a bigger- more stable way. THAT is a red flag. He’s doing that so he can lock you down and then what’s your is his, legally. If you’re still reading this, and I hope you are, you deserve someone who can do BOTH. Someone who can step up to the plate in ALL the ways you need, not just a few. Someone that can’t even be bothered to get a license? That seems like a great excuse to continue being unemployed. Not telling you his financial situation until he can’t hide it any longer? A lie of omission is still a lie. This is not a sustainable future, and I think you know that. Lay down the law, or get the fuck out. I have depression and anxiety- and I get what you mean about being resentful that YOU are able to get your shit together and he’s not. I hate when people use their mental health as an excuse for laziness or bad behavior. I understand how debilitating mental health issues can be, but you still have a CHOICE. Every single day you have a choice, and he is making his choices clear- you’re just not listening.

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