My partner of 7.5 years left me for a stranger

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1658 posts
Bumble bee

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brittany92 :  One red flag was that he gave you a bridal set and called you his wife, but didn’t seem to want to make it official. His words and his actions did not match. Others can weigh in, but sometimes there is a subtle shift in perspective that comes with with marriage.

He may have been seeing her before; it’s also possible he may not have. The point is, there was something missing in your relationship and he handled it badly. It’s possible he may never regret leaving or he may regret not leaving earlier. Whether the new girlfriend is mature or suitable is not relevant. There’s no use in fixating on it now. 

One comment that other posters haven’t touched on: Are you entitled to any of the business interests? Who owns the house? Do you have common-law rights?

Post # 17
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Sometimes people are trash and it has nothing to do with you. The older I get, the more I realize I will never understand the motives of certain people. The why isn’t important. What answer would be satisfactory to you? There is no explanation that will clear the clouds and suddenly make everything make sense. Yes, it’s weird. Yes, it sucks, but at the end of the day the only thing that matters is that your relationship wasn’t worth much to him. You seem to understand that it will pass, and honestly time is the only thing that will help. Here’s hoping that you get to the other side sooner rather than later. I know you can’t wait until the entire day passes without him being on your mind AT ALL. Truly the best feeling the world. 

Post # 19
Member
7165 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

How devastating, Bee. I’m so sorry for how you were blindsided with all of this. This is devastating- not only your relationship, but your home, your living environment, your career path, your friendships and even your continent have been derailed and uprooted by all of this. And it’s happened suddenly and without warning and without your buy in. Of course you are still crying and obsessing over it. You’ve been in survive and react mode about this for weeks.

You do need to figure out your next steps. Give yourself time to grieve and then you need to get moving and figuring out what you do from here. Just start by going through the motions until you come back online and you start healing.

Ignore him and all of his attempts to contact you for the rest of your lives. He needs to be as good as dead to you (at the very least until this wound heals). There will never be any size or depth of apology he could offer that will negate how fucked up his behavior around all of this has been.

If you’re lucky, you may one day get to hear, through the grapevine, how life has kicked him in the ass and you can have a nice schadenfreude celebration. If you’re really really lucky, you will create a full life that nourishes and fulfills you many times more than you ever could have hoped for with him and you will find yourself grateful that he took out the trash for you.

Post # 20
Member
2028 posts
Buzzing bee

Wow. Just wow. I am so incredibly sorry he did this to you. 

You think you know someone and then they stab you in the back. Someone who was supposed to be your best friend. This is a pretty horrific betrayal.

You are being so strong and you seem incredibly smart and well-adjusted considering what has just happened. You are doing all the right things.

If he ever tries to come back, I hope you are strong enough to keep him blocked so he doesn’t even get a response from you. What a POS.

Stay strong, bee. I can imagine how hard it will be for you to trust anyone again after this. I’ve been there and it does get better.

Post # 21
Member
1195 posts
Bumble bee

I would actually feel lucky that he pulled this on you now rather than 10 years later when you’re both settled and probably have children etc. At 26, the world is your oyster! 

To be fair, it is often those that got together in their late teens / early 20s that later wonder what they’re missing while their single friends are out there dating and living the single life. Wonder if there is a better match out there.

The smart ones would recognise they’ve got a good thing here and it doesn’t come around easy (seeing as others take decades to find a love that works for them). Meanwhile for the “weaker minded” such as your ex, the prospect of the “greener grass” is too alluring to ignore. 7.5 years, he’s probably forgotten what “the spark” felt like and now he’s feeling it again, it seems “unique” or “unusual”. Guess what, he’s a fool. 

I can guarantee he will come crawling back when he’s out there for a while, whether with this girl or others, but don’t give him another chance. He’s shown himself to be uncommitted and untrustworthy, and will always be.

Post # 22
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I am SO sorry. The only advice I have is to stay no contact and keep doing the other things that you are doing, and give yourself time to heal. 

Post # 23
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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brittany92 :  I’m sorry you’re going through this bee. You must be in shock. Can I ask, does “rebound” mean something different in Australia? In the US, a rebound is the person someone dates immediately after breaking up with someone, often to try to help them get over the breakup. I’ve never heard of calling the person that someone broke up with someone else FOR, a rebound. They would be the “other woman” or “other man”. 

How are you so sure they weren’t carrying on before? Not that it matters that much I guess, but I would want to know.

Post # 26
Member
15 posts
Newbee

For some reason my response didn’t post so I am trying one more time. I want you to know that I feel your pain and I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I know more than anything what you’re going through, I went through something very eerily similar. I appreciate with the other posters are trying to tell you, about him having regret and it all come crashing down. But I want you to know that this may not happen. many people said the exact same thing to me when I post it on here for years ago and I truly wanted to believe it, I really wanted to believe that she was a rebound and that I’ve relationship started on lies and deceit would ultimately fail. But coming up to four years, they are now married with a baby. Engaged a year to the day we broke up, married 10 months later, and a baby nine months later after that. needless to say I was devastated, I really didn’t believe that this person I shared so many of my years with would do something so horrendous and just float on like nothing happened. 

 

I waited and waited for karma to kick in and it still hasn’t and I’ve had to live with the fact that maybe life is just unfair. I want you to be prepared that it may not and for him and her and even if it does you will never trust him again. I had to really sit back and think of the reality of what would happen if he did come crawling back or showed any type of remorse and the reality versus what I have in my dreams is pretty bleak. he only tried contacting me a few times and I told him to leave me alone and have had blocked for over two years. his now-wife even tried adding me on social media with his last name before they were married, maybe to make me upset or jealous that she won a prize. Little did she know that she want a cheating husband. maybe he won’t do it to her but he does have a pattern and he tends to LeapFrog from relationship to relationship unfortunately sometimes these relationships work out and it’s the hardest thing to accept. I don’t want to hurt you or make you disheartened but this is a reality that maybes would be healthier for you to accept so it’s easier for you to move on. you can probably read my post from a few years ago on here and see that we had very similar mindsets. hugs to you and just know one day at a time and the best thing you can do is keep them blocked and stop engaging in questioning your friends. That was the hardest lesson I had to learn was to not ask or look eventually. I haven’t looked at her profile and over three and a half years. I haven’t had contact with him and almost two years. all it will do is set you back and keep you hoping that they will realize they made a huge mistake.

but even if they do say they made a mistake like my ex did, he still didn’t come back. The damage was done, there was no coming back and making my family like him again after what he did and there truly is no coming back from what this guy did to you. He cheated on you, basically overlapped you and was instantaneously in a relationship. your family would never accept him again and you wouldn’t either. The fantasy you have in your head of him coming back is not reality just let that help you keep moving forward.

Post # 26
Member
26 posts
Newbee

I am so sorry this happened to you! It sucks to invest time and energy in a person and relationship and have the rug pulled out from under you so unexpectedly. You have every right to be totally and righteously angry at your ex, but definitely do not hinge your feeling better on how his new relationship works out. Either good or bad. You say you are not, but you kind of hint that you actually are expecting his new relationship to crash and burn and to gain satisfaction from that, but don’t go down that road!

A few others here have said something similar, but I know two now-married-with-kids couples who started their relationships the same way your ex has started this one, so it is definintely possibly your ex’s relationship will go on. I also know that one of the people who was the you in that situation clung to the idea that their ex would live to regret it, and that person has still not move on 8+ years later. Don’t do that! Your ex now has nothing to do with you and you are doing the right thing by blocking all contact and regrouping with Team You. Stay focused on that and building your life up! Life is just unexpected and totally unfair sometimes. Chalk this up to a random universe and get on with your life as you are.

One more thing I will say is you might try re-reading your original post. You wrote a lot about managing logistics, moving, travelling, and starting a business with your ex, but not a lot about just a deeply loving life together. Maybe your ex was a great business partner fit for you but not a great life partner? Maybe you can consider how much in love you were with your ex or if it was just a functional relationship? This ended badly, but perhaps it was meant to end eventually no matter what.

Post # 27
Member
1531 posts
Bumble bee

Only thing you need to know is you are broken up. It really sucks and there are some practicalities to sort out. The timing of their meeting is irrelevant, wether she is rebound is irrelevant, how difficult it is for them to meet up is irrelevant, her immaturity is irrelevant. The situation is crappy and he is a jerk. But he is your ex now and you need to let the relationship go and not be in contact and work on your self. Good luck with everything!

Post # 28
Member
2010 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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brittany92 :  I don’t think you are fixating on this, but I do think you aren’t seeing what is right infront of you. 

You two were together for 7.5 years and he never actually committed to you. Be honest with yourself, getting married costs almost nothing. You go to a court house and you do it. So there literally are no excuses whatsoever to why getting married would be too expensive or too hard. People who want to marry each other do it. Period. 

So let’s go to step two, he left seemingly out of the blue. NO he didn’t. He wasn’t committed to you, wouldn’t marry you, which means he wasn’t sure you were what he wanted. That made him extremely vulnerable to cheating. This random woman came long and he felt more with her than he did with you. Honestly it didn’t even have to be that he felt that much more with her than you. To him this woman was what he had been waiting for whether he knew it or not. What was he waiting for? Something to help him get out of the relationship he was in that wasn’t going anywhere, and someone who motivated him to end things with you. 

Marriage and relationships are hard enough to maintain when there is genuine absolute certainty that the other person is the one for you. But imagine how vulnerable a relationship is when one person isn’t really all in at all. 

So now you know. And don’t obsess over what happened, LEARN FROM IT. 

– Do not stay in a relationship that isn’t moving forward. 

– When a relationship stretches out into year after year after year without marriage or in your case straight up lying to yourselves that you are married when you ARE NOT. It is time to ask yourself why this person isnt’ marrying you. 

( And to be clear, there are people in relationships who BOTH genuinely and truly don’t want to be married to each other. This situation isn’t that so lets set aside that situation) 

OP I am so sorry this happened to you. It is hurtful, it sucks, and regardless of the “why” he left, he is an utter and complete asshole. Ive seen your situation play out a few times in my life to friends and family. Keep doing what you are doing, keep him blocked and move on. Sure he will probably end up breaking up with this woman because I think she was just the thing that made him realize your realationship wasn’t what he wanted, not because she is truly the love of his life. But regardless he isn’t the guy for you, he was never really fully in it. You deserve better. 

Post # 29
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

I am so sorry with what you’ve been through bee *hugs* I know it is hard. But it seems like you x-bf kinda found something that he lost in this 7.5 years, those honeymoon phase, where everything beautiful, exploring new thing.. but do you know what ? those phases will soon or later fade, he will realized what he has and had. 

 

I saw similar stories before, some men tend to need those thrill feeling and it seems like he got it from his new gf ( for little while) I have certain feeling that he will come back. 

but then it is your decision to take him back or no ? Right now, build yourself up again, mourning is normal…please stay strong… *hugs hugs *

 

Post # 30
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

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brittany92 :  Well, now you know he’s not a reliable partner. Except now he is the other girl’s unreliable partner. So he’s not your problem anymore, she’s got to deal with it now! You deserve someone better, don’t waste any time trying to figure this guy out. Living your best life is always the greatest revenge.

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