- 6 years ago
- Wedding: Either Philadelphia City Hall or a small chapel.
I just really need to talk to somebody and hope to find other Bees who’ve maybe been in the same predicament. How have you dealt?
Me and FH have been together since May. Yes, I know it’s a short time but he’s a 29 year old ex-Marine with stillborn children & is looking to settle and he’s everything I’ve always wanted. There is only one problem. Being honest about my sexual past is making us fight 1-2 times a week.
After we were together for a few weeks, he finally asked how many partners I had. I was honest and told him (12.) He has only slept with five women and was immediately shocked in my answer and was quick to judge me. He began to call me names and ask malicious questions, but, he was able to deal with it. But that is not the end of the story….
In mid-June, he read old messages from guys (I will admit I went through a phase due to depression and low self-esteem before we met.) on my Facebook behind my back in addition to hearing totally untrue rumors about me and we got into a fight so bad he called a cop to bring me to my parents’ house because he felt like he might hurt me.
We were able to make up and things were kosher. But, it’s like every time I talk to a legitimate guy friend, he gets drunk, or just has crazy thoughts, things go down hill. He calls me a whore, that I turn him off, and that I’m disgusting on top of other names and insults. He is normally very loving, cherishes me, and we have a great, healthy sex life. He says it’s to make sure I don’t make the same mistakes ever again because it’s not his fault and that he needs time to heal from learning about all of this.
For example, when a friend texts me (He has female friends, too.) just to see how I am, he assumes I’m involved with them and won’t cuddle with me at bedtime or texts girls things to teach me a lesson because he feels it’s appropiate since I hurt him by my past actions. There was also a night where I turned down sex because I had an interview early and was unable to sleep to begin with. We usually go more than an hour, so I said I’d make it up from him when I came back and pounce on him. He was perfectly fine with it and we cuddled like we usually do at bed time. I always sleep in his arms. About a few minutes later, he pushes me away, starts crying, and tells me I wouldn’t of said no if he was this guy or that guy, that I’m a jezebel, and a bunch of other things. I couldn’t sleep because of crying and stress so I canceled the interview and we wound up having awesome make-up sex since I needed the release on top of feeling hurt that he felt I wasn’t sexually attracted to him.
I am very blessed to have him, started TTC, and the whole nine yards because I know he is the one, but, I just feel like sometimes this will never end. He does suffer from manic depression and PTSD (2 tours in the Middle East with confirmeds & injuries) so I know it hard for them to let things go, I also understand he doesn’t want me to make the same mistakes and cares about me, but, at the same time I feel like part of him hates me or he loves me less than he proclaims. I also have depressive issues myself and have since I was child. Recently, I’ve been having issues with self-harm and he’s making it worse because of how low I feel. Like, almost as if I should punish myself because this is my fault and that I feel inadequete in his eyes. I just had to read a whole list of things to prevent self-injury and distract from such thoughts because of how down I am today.
I’m sorry if I wrote a book, but, I need guidance.