(Closed) My past is tearing us apart…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
561 posts
Busy bee

he sounds crazy. these would be red flags to me. he’s emotionally abusive. if the cops are being called in your relationship…it’s time stop lying to yourself, open your eyes, and walk away. ps i call b*llshit to his five too. maybe he’s so angry because he’s trying to throw you off on his number. liars are like that.

Post # 78
Member
2738 posts
Sugar bee

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@Sunfire:  Oh man, I specifically logged on so I could see and read your response. It was too short 🙁 Maybe I’ll wait for 2nd time around to come and give her pearls of wisdom. To the OP, everything all the other users said. I do tend not to give a lot of advice on here though because I think the folks in your life who know you better might influence you more. Whatever you do, plase take care of yourself.

Post # 79
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

OP, I wanted to add that most people I know would not even call someone they disliked a whore, let alone someone they love.

Post # 80
Member
1209 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@anthrogirl:  I thought the same thing at age 20. Any relationship over a month and I thought we were going to get married! Thank god that didn’t happen. I could have ruined my life and almost did. 

At age 19, I started dating this 26 year old guy. He was older than me, charming and made me laugh. He had been in jail for a couple of years for check fraud. That right there should have made me run the other direction. But no, I was convinced that he was a good guy. About month 5 he started emotionally abusing me, tell me I didn’t deserve any better than him and I was lucky to even have him. He would break up with me over something completely minor and then make me beg to come back. Then we’d have good times where he would shower me with gifts and compliments. It was the cycle of abuse. It even got to the point he accused me of being physically abusive towards him (me, 5 ft nothing, him 6’4) because he didn’t want to look in the mirror and see himself as an abuser. 

I could go on and on about the abuse and how long it took me to get over it. But after 2 years, I realized that I deserved better and I freed myself of all of that. It saved my life in the end. 

OP, please don’t stay with this guy. At the very least get into therapy and postpone this wedding. And why do you need to start TTC? Guys are not on the same biological clock as women are. This is not a healthy enviroment for you, and certainly not for a baby. 

Post # 81
Member
7899 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

It sounds like you either need to leave or like you two both need counseling together and individually. Good luck! Your past should not be held against you; sorry you have to go through this.

Post # 82
Member
4951 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I don’t think there’s anything that I could say that hasn’t already been said. 

But you should be out the door like… yesterday. Odds are, this is only the beginning and things will get worse. The serious emotional abuse he’s putting you through could turn physical and/or sexual FAST. 

Post # 83
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee

Whoa.  OP, to be honest, your post was so brutal to read.  To echo every.single.person, this is not healthy.  You are 20 years old, and this POS is not the one for you. he buys you flowers? Um, this doesn’t matter if he is calling you a whore and ramming your self worth into the ground over and over and over.  This is en emotionally abusive relationship, not to mention one that has teetered on the edge of being physically abusive.  The idea of bringing a child into this is mind boggling. PLease seek individual counseling, not couples.  Are you in school? Perhaps there is a guidance center through the school where it would be cheaper.  You indicated that you recognize issues with your own self worth and self injury; therapy would help you to see how this is related to dating a guy that is hurting you and help you to create a more stable life for yourself. Please, please leave him.  

Post # 84
Member
4610 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

He’s 29?  Seriously?  And he called you a whore? Wow.  Yeah agree with PP, lots of red flags.  Get out.

Post # 85
Member
7605 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Your past isn’t tearing you apart, his crazy is tearing you apart.

It scares me that you made more exucses for him in your update.  You’re 20 and you’ve known him since May.  I don’t think there’s anything else I can say here.  There is life after this guy.

Post # 86
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

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@MissFormaldehyde:  Those nice moments arent the real him with just some anger issues to fix. The extravagance & spoiling is part of the cycle of abuse just as much as the anger. It is how he keeps you around. If abusers were only ever mean, no one would stick around. Please leave him, I am worried about you.

Post # 87
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@Sunfire:  I had the same reaction to the post.  Agree 100%!

Post # 88
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

I just had to come back and say, if you’re at the point where you are self-harming, you need to get help NOW. As in call someone that makes you feel safe and talk to that person about this (and that person can’t be your SO.)

Aside from all the other issues, a relationship that triggers your self-harming is hardly a relationship worth being in.

Post # 89
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MissFormaldehyde:  I don’t see how this abusive jerk is “THE ONE”. While I understand PTS is real and many people suffer from it, i don’t feel it’s an excuse for him to treat you this way. you deserve much better. walk away and don’t look back, “Make-up sex” shouldn’t be the only thing that makes you feel good about yourself.

Post # 90
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

My first red flag with your post is that you are TTC with a man whom you have been involved with for 4 months. Who buys you flowers sometimes, but also sometimes makes you feel like shit. You are also self-harming.

Not normal.

Leave him aside. He’s nuts. You need to address whatever is wrong with you that made you think it was a good idea to try for a baby.

I hope I don’t come off extremely harsh, but the two of you are both very sick. You need to get away from each other fast so you can work on yourselves. Although I suppose if you are young it may be PARTIALLY a maturity issue with you. If he is 29 and acting like this then that is the way he is, he’s not going to grow out of it.

Very few people would recommend getting engaged after 4 months. Having a baby is an even bigger commitment than getting engaged. Engagements can be broken. Marriages can be ended. Sharing a child with someone is forever. So you should audition any potential fathers for a lengthy period of time before offering to carry their children, because even if he is an asshole you will never be able to scrub the asshole entirely out of your life. And you don’t deserve a life like that. You need a therapist or a counselor. They will explain more to you.

Post # 91
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

reading your post im really worried about you. Im a firm believer that what you do before you meet your SO is frankl;y none of their business…whether it is one man or the entire freaking US army. and there is nothing wrong with 12 people. if you had *cheated* on him with them, then he’d have the right to be mad…but not for what you did before you knew him

i think the calling you names at some points then buying you flowers and treating you great seems like a very worrying pattern…and this is after 5 months in the honeymoon stage. i cant imagine things getting significantly better, at least without counselling

with-holding affection because you arent in the mood for sex or you talk to a male friend is extremely manipulative. please please talk to a close friend about this, or a family member…i really feel this has the potential to end very badly in the future

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