Post # 1
I met a guy who I truely care about. We’ve been together for over 4 years. We’ve been engaged for over a year and have been very happy. His family has never been very welcoming and pretty much could careless about me. From the start of our relationship with them has been horrible and trying to get close to them but they always seem to turn me away. My soon to be husband has a house and a decent amount of savings and his parents are tossing a prenup at me basically said they wouldn’t support or be happy with our marriage if I didn’t sign a prenup. It all seems so unhanded. My soon to be husband doesn’t really like a prenup either. We did get one drawn up and looked at by our lawyers but it really didn’t feel right. His mother confronted me at my place of work about this topic and it really effected my ability to work. And never recieved an apology. We ended up postponing the wedding due to all the stress and tension. Its no way to get married under these circumstances. Just really have to vent and like to see if anyone else had a story like mine.
Post # 3
First off, welcome to Weddingbee hon. Second, I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this. Depending on your situation (and his) pre-nups are never a bad idea. However, the way that his mother is approaching it is incredibly rude. Has your Fiance talked to his parents about this? It sounds like one of those times that he needs to tell them, “This is my life, and this is how I want to live it.”
If they still have an issue, eff it, go elope! You shouldn’t have to deal with that drama planning a wedding. Just go and run off somewhere. If they want to be upset at you, then let them be.
Post # 4
@bobbia: Um, why are your FI’s parents involved in his personal finances?
He needs to be a big boy and tell them to butt the hell out of his life and finances. If they confront you about his finances you need to tell them the same thing – that this is between you and your Fiance, period. This is just none of their business. Why is he letting them call the shots? Why are you?
Look, if he wants a prenup and you don’t object then you should both go get lawyers to represent your interests and hash one out that’s fair to both of you.
You said he has a house and some savings. I’m going to assume we’re not talking about a multi-million dollar estate here so, typically what you own before marriage stays yours so I’m not sure why a pre-nup is even necessary unless his income far outstrips yours?
Post # 5
If it makes you feel better, couples with pre-nups are statistically more likely to stay together. This is probably because the couples who can discuss that topic together can talk about anything! The thing is…. kick his mother out of it! This is between you and your Fiance. Throw away the pre-nup that the mom did. This needs to be done without her. This is a chance for communication with you Fiance, and you can draw up a fair pre-nup together. Of course it is all hypothetical, because I’m sure that neither of you is actaully planning on divorce. This is also a way for you to see how fairly he thinks about what you two are about to share.
I say, start over in a much happier way. This shouldn’t be negative. (KICK MOM_IN_LAW OUT OF IT!!) You guys are about to be a team of 2, not of 3.
Post # 6
Pre-nups don’t have to be a bad thing. However, having a fiance who lets his parents control his actions and allows them to be rude to you is ALWAYS a bad thing. Personally I wouldn’t even consider setting a new wedding date until he’s had a discussion with his parents about the fact that you are going to be his wife, and the two of you will be making the decisions about your lfie and finances, not them. Please tell me he at least confronted his mom about her coming into your work like that!
Post # 7
@Wonderstruck: He has. He’s stood by me thru all this just it breaks my heart seeing him so down because of the on goings of this. Just feels disrespected the way all this is happening. I trust him but not his parents.
Post # 8
@bobbia: Holy crapin crap! I’m so sorry that his family (and particularly his mother) are ruining this for you 🙁 I can relate. My boyfriend and I had a few months of hell with my dad, and it was sooo emotionally draining bc nobody was talking to each other. It definitely put our relationship’s progress on hold for several months while it panned out, and I’m still VERY bitter about it. I can only imagine the pain your fiance is feeling too 🙁 It’s so unfair that she’s chosen to go about it this way.
Good for you for postponing your wedding until things clear up. The LAST thing you’d want is a dark cloud over your day.
Your fiance needs to deal with his parents right now. He needs to tell them that this is HIS life, HIS money, HIS marriage. He may have to cut contact with them for a while for them to learn a lesson. I think communication is the best route, but sometimes people just DON’T GET IT and need to be cut off for a while for things to come into focus that they may LOSE their son if they behave this way. They can’t treat you like crap and expect him to be ok with it.
In the mean time YOU should stay away from them. Only discuss your prenup with your Fiance and that’s it. Take some time for yourself and your fiance. Don’t allow this to pull you two apart, as can happen easily when tempers are flaring. Put the wedding talk to rest for a couple weeks, then regroup. His mother owes you an apology, but it’s doubtful that she will since someone who would have the nerve to go to your office would not understand the value of in-law relationships and MANNERS to begin with. Forgive her for her stupidity and arrogance…somewhere down the line when things clear up just for your fiance’s sake.
But for now, take care of yourself. I know better than anyone how painful this must be for you and your fiance. I hope it all works out!
Post # 9
@MrsPHopefully: Thanks for all your replys. I realize prenup isn’t a bad thing but we both thought it be better not to have one since this is our first marriage. My lawyer suggested that as well. We were so happy and just feels like a complete mess now. My soon to be husband didn’t like the idea of having his house in a prenup because it wouldn’t seem fair to me. That I’ll be investing time and money into it and not really get and benefit from it. Especially when we decide to have kids and ill be a stay at home mom. Both of our families are in turmoil but we are doing pretty well.
Post # 10
Don’t sign it. I’m not against prenups but his mom needs to get over things. She can’t have it her way.
Post # 11
You two have to do what is best for you and your relationship, which really has nothing to do with his parents. I bought my first house before I met my Fiance. We have 5 income properties in addition to our family home. It was me who bought them, and some would say (and do say) I am crazy if I don’t get a prenup. Whether I do or I don’t, it’s really none of anyone’s buisness (which I am always quick to tell people giving me unsolicited advice).
He needs to cut the apron strings with his mom and make the decision that he wants to make, which may or may not be what she thinks is best. It’s you he will be spending his life with, not her.
Post # 12
@Zhabeego: Just as an FYI, your statement about the house is not correct in every state. Marital property laws vary. Take Wisconsin for example. If my fiance were to own a house now, it becomes marital property when we get married. That means that even if he put in $200k in payments already, if we got divorced a month later, I would by default be equal owner of the house. Yes, the courts can rule that I should get a lesser share. But the default option is that I am co-owner of all of our property, and entitled to half.
Depending on what state he lives in, I could see why his parents would be concerned. However, I would NEVER sign a prenup that was drawn up without my attorney. If you’re going to sign a prenup, make sure you have two attorneys, one representing your interests and the other representing his. Don’t assume that an attorney that represents both of you will represent your interests equally.
Regardless, his parents need to accept the fact that their baby is a grown man, and capable of looking after his own finances and interests.
Post # 13
@MariContrary: Oy, that kind of sucks (laws in your state).
While I can kind of sort of see the parents being concerned, as you said, its simply just none of their business unless they are co-owners of the house. Even then, its pretty ballsy to call up the OP and bully her about a pre-nup.
Post # 14
Hah, I wouldn’t date a guy that can not stand up to his parents let alone my future husband. You shouldn’t have to deal with his mom. Let him handle it period.
Post # 15
I can see why the parents would want to ensure that their child’s financial assets are protected. I can’t support how they went about it. My parents would feel the same way. I am a realist and am aware of the divorce rates in this country. You never know which way life is going to take you and its not in anyone’s plan to get divorced or seperate. The thing about a pre-nup is it protects both people in the event of a split, it can avoid a bitter divorce battle and even protect any future children you have. Having a pre-nup doesn’t mean you don’t get half of the househome you helped build with him but it would lay out terms that you are both comfortable with to avoid drama in the event that the marriage ends.
I would suggest a pre-nup to anyone and it has nothing to do with thinking someone’s intentions are bad when entering the marriage. I would also suggest, as a PP has, that you have two attorneys look at the document so you both are fairly represented. So, what im saying is, try not to disregard the idea of a prenup and try not to look at it as something thats a bad thing. It’s not a bad thing and doesn’t have to be taken as an insult.
As for his family, while I understand their concern for their son, it is not their place to be as involved as they are, in any way. They can give their advice and its up to him to either take it or not take it. And his choices should be respected, even if they don’t agree. They should have nothing to do with any part of the details and their involvement should have ended at giving advice. I think that the biggest thing that needs to come out of this is that he needs to draw some clear lines with his parents and set a standard for how involved they are in your relationship and in any future decisions that need to be made.
Post # 15
PacificMrs: PreNups are never a bad idea? What a ridiculous generalization. Even many attorneys and law firms will tell you what a bad idea they are, and how to avoid them. Just google that.