My relationship is falling to pieces- help! X

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but if he’s that hurtful you should consider leaving him. 

However, if you DO what to stay and try, try something new. How often do you initiate sex? Is it always you  or is it him? If he rejects your advances, have him make up a list of top 5 things he wants to do sexually and it’ll give you a better idea of what excites him. My Fiance and I have been together 6 years, and we’ve had little ruts in our sex life, but we try to talk it out and think of things that we haven’t done yet, or things we’ve enjoyed in the past. Maybe try reading a steamy novel, purchasing a new toy, outfit, or do something fun like a lapdance to get him in the mood. Confidence is a HUGE factor in sexiness, maybe he’s noticing that you’re “unsexy” because you don’t feel sexy yourself, or are always doing the same thing that just doesn’t work anymore and feels routine to him. 

I hope it works out for you because you really seem to love him and have the best intentions! xoxox

Post # 4
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It really sounds to me like he knows they are issues with your sex life and instead of finding a mature way to handle your guys issues he just blamed it all on you. I could be wrong but he might have low testosterone or have some emotinoal issues he needs  to deal with before he can have healthy sex life with a partner. I’m sure both of you can work on things for each other but he’s being unfair. He can’t continue to be emotionally abusive towards you because it will ruin your self-esteem! You need to tell him everything you said here about how hurt you are and how rejected he makes you feel. 

He sounds like a very insecure man, because a secure man would own up to his issues and not just blame everything on you. I know we all have our issues but his reaction is not normal but very destructive to you relationship. 

Best of luck, this sounds like a very hard situation. Just take care of yourself, like I said he is going to ruin your self-esteem with the way things are going!

Post # 5
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Dedicated and reliable? That sounds…nice. Probably not enough to sustain a relationship. He sounds kind of wretched to me. I wouldn’t initiate sex with someone who criticized my weight or fashion sense, either.

Post # 6
7433 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

You need to get out of this. He is going to break your confidence until you get to the point where you feel like you don’t deserve anything better, and you REALLY do.

I was in a similar situation before. My ex wouldn’t be affectionate with me, and when we tied to discuss it, he said that I was shallow for desiring intimacy. He even said “What am I supposed to do, force myself to kiss you?!” That completely broke my heart and took away any shred of confidence I still had. I replayed it over in my head constantly. I was literally afraid to even have the slightest by of contact toward the end because the fear of rejection was so crippling.

Luckily, I was able to get out of that toxic relationship. A month later, I met my wonderful Fiance who loves me for who I am, tells me how beautiful I am, and can’t get enough of me! There is someone out there who is waiting to treat you like that too. You’re worth it!

Post # 7
3199 posts
Sugar bee

If you really want to work this out I would say that you are in for a lot more hard conversations with him on what he feels he needs and what you need, because neither of you are getting it. I agree with PP that he handled the situation in a completely immature fashion by blaming and criticizing you. He can make suggestions or requests without belittling you or being hurtful. 

Also, why is it up to you to be “sexy” all the time when you are intimate? It doesn’t sound like he does anything to initiate intimacy or make things easier. Intimacy is something that needs absolute trust on both sides for true enjoyment and him acting like this breaks your trust and makes you doubt yourself. Not cool. Maybe counseling would help? 

If this were me, I would be thinking about leaving, or would have already left. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who lacks communication skills and maturity, and who insults and criticizes my efforts to maintain our relationship and please him. but hey, that is just me.

Post # 8
1435 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

He’s deflecting. My Fiance and I went through this, and I know exactly how you feel. It can be very hurtful. It got to the point where I told him that if he wasn’t having sex, he had to get out of the bed room. And he slept in the other room for 2 years. 

But I got to the point because the same thing happening with you was happening with me. He’d turn away, no affection, no sex, and I gave up, too. He told me that if I put on lingerie then he’d do it. I did; he didn’t. He told me same about it being not exciting for whatever reason, just like yours is.

I actually talk to my dad about this, and my dad agreed with another poster here that it was probably his sex drive is messed up. He can’t get hard or maintain an erection. That would happen during our sessions and then he’d just shut down for months at a time. Eventually, he told me in a round about way that this was the issue. 

I think we have it back on track, but that was before a lot of other things happened, he ran away from home, and we got back together to repair the relationship. 

But my dad said that stress can cause a man to go through this. Stress and depression. It is a lot easier to blame the woman and avoid sex than to face nonperformance. It’s caused you two to alienate each other. The only thing that kept me hanging on during that time was the pure love I had for him. 

I say we still have work to do because until he gets a job in this area and moves back here, we don’t see each other enough for me to know for sure. But because there’s distance, he’s very eagar to have sex when we see each other. But I have to admit some damage has been done to me psychologically. It takes a very strong woman to love a man through something like this. I would want to have sex, ask or try for it, get rejected, and it just alienated me. Then, when I’d succeed, I wouldn’t enjoy it because he might stop in the middle because it didn’t stay hard, but he’d just stop with no explanation. So I couldn’t enjoy it when we did it, because I didn’t know when that would happen and cause him to shut down the whole show.

I don’t know how to advise you because our relationship fell apart due to that and the length we’d gone without getting engaged. So he left in the middle of the night one night (my birthday) and it took just about a year and a half of a serious struggle to get back on track. 

I guess I can advise you to figure out if you love him enough to love him through this. Then try to see if his problem is what my FI’s problem was. See if it’s diet or stress related. My Fiance was under a lot of stress. 

Post # 9
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’d leave him, but that’s just me personally. The worst thing in the world is being with someone whom you feel you can’t satisfy sexually. I had an ex who thought I was the hottest thing in the world, but still wouldn’t really have sex with me. I couldn’t take it and left. A relationship that lacks intimacy of any kind, is a disaster waiting to happen.

Post # 10
10033 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Hope1985:   You are afraid to lose him?  Wow.  It should be the other way around.

I’m so sorry he’s treating you this way.  My reaction to what he said to you, though, that you’re “horrible in bed” and that he’s “not turned on” by you would have been to get out of that bed, pack my shit and walk out of the door and out of his life forever.

You’re being verbally, emotionally and psychologically abused.  Please get some help for yourself to understand you don’t deserve someone telling you he’s “disgusted” by you when you’re on your period.  You need to gain back some healthy self-esteem.

Please don’t let him keep you down like this.  ((Hugs))  I’m angry for you, what an asshole he is.  There is NO EXCUSE for his behavior – none whatsoever.  You can do better.

Post # 11
10033 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@honeybee1999:   It takes a very strong woman to love a man through something like this.

I’m in shock at that sentence. 

It takes a very strong woman to walk away  from abuse.

Post # 12
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@Sunfire:  I agree with everything you said


No woman should ever feel like this OP. Please do things to make yourself feel beautiful again. Don’t let a man bring you down… he doesn’t deserve you.

Post # 13
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

Listen, If that spark aint there, the spark aint there. It sucks he is making you feel like crap and I wouldn’t take none of it. But….I will tell you a story.

My So has less of an …. Appitite… then I do. It look me a while to understand that it was OK not to have sex every night. But you know what I did start to do….I started being mean to him in the bedroom. I started saying NO to him. Made him work to get it. That turned things around a lot. Turned out he wanted the chase. So now I tell him no. He responds better when I am a bit mean to him…which is strange because I am such a nice person and am always *ahem* ready to go….So to me it’s a sexy game. 

Maybe that will help you. maybe it wont. I am sorry you feel sucky…but…I say this is a great oppetunity for it to be acceptable to be a bitch towards him in the bedroom. Tell him no. 

Post # 14
10033 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Sapphire-Dreamer:  Haha!   I LOVE this reply.  It’s worth a shot.  That’s awesome.  🙂

Post # 15
2418 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@Sunfire:  +1

I would have a hard time initiating if I was being bashed for my weight and fashion as well. I’m thankful that I got out of a relationship where I was called every name in the book and blamed for everything. Please recognize that you are worth more than this. You deserve to be with someone who treats you like you are the center of their world.

If you really do want to work it out with him, I would suggest couples counseling.

Post # 16
9132 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

@Hope1985:  Ooof.  It sounded workable until the last part.  I couldn’t be with someone who was constantly criticizing me.  Your partner should be the one building you up, not tearing you down.  :/  The other stuff (sex life, communication about it) could be an unfortunate mixture of stress and bad communication skills.  But the constant criticism?  That can only get worse.  I’d leave him and find someone who loves you for who you are (and wants to have sex with you as much as possible!).

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