Post # 32
I think the worst part is how much I’ve tried. I’ve waited for him for 11 years and keep saying “maybe it will get better”. And although he’s not a bad person, he’s just not a good partner for me.
He knows of my insecurities and does nothing to help me…or at least work through it together. I feel that he needs to be in complete control of everything even our intimacy. He sits on another couch, on the floor, in another room…. i feel all so he doesn’t have to touch me or for fear I may touch him. He doesn’t come to bed with me…and then when I wake up in the middle of the night..he’s on the couch. He says I snore and he can’t sleep… IDK anymore… So do you think another man will want me if I snore??? i don’t think so.
Post # 33
@stillwaiting123: please – don’t judge yourself by this man who is abusing you…and i know what abuse is, i was in an abusive relationship for 24 years…yes yes yes…he called me every name in the book. I thought he was just rude and ignorant till i read about verbal abuse, he fit every category. I told him and thought he would change – no he just got worse – when i said i feel so bad when you call me c… then he would constantly call me that – he is still the same – i have adult children and they are usually fighting with him. for the last two years of our “marriage” we lived in the same house but in separate rooms – it was awful – well you can’t move on with him still around – you have to move on first and get yourself together – no man should call you names, say anything bad about you or put you down. He told me i had bad breathe and farted all the time in bed – well that would give you a wierd feeling and made me self-conscious – well he was lying…and so is your “fiance”. You don’t snore and who cares if you do – My husband to be now are getting married because i want to be married and he wants me to be happy. I have found a great man now – been together for over 5 years and getting married on our 6th anniversary. I am sooo happy and didn’t know i would ever find such happiness. I am a granny too. Every day i write in my journal things im thankful for, 3 things i love about him and 3 things i love about me. Its sooo wonderful. I believe in being positive now and he is my best friend and soon to be husband. Life is good and great men are out there waiting to love you and take care of you and be your friend. Dont waste time with someone who abuses you!
Post # 34
So it’s not normal for him to not want to sleep with me..night after night?
Post # 35
- Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center
@stillwaiting123: Did you just Trend-jack? I’m sorry your still not working things out.
I would love to hear an update from the OP
Post # 36
Hi all!!! Thanks so so very much for your replies! I have read all of your responses and they have given me an enormous amount of stregnth. Thank you so much! The last couple of days with my SO has been SO bad! I asked him about a week ago if we should have a going away party for his mates that are going away- I said it should either be a big BBQ or a smaller dinner party- because he couldn’t decide who to invite he ended up saying let’s just have a small dinner party ( 8 people) I was flat out cooking for 2 days ( prepping stuff) and as I was washing up my 1000nth stack of dishes and I asked for his help to move some stuff out of the way he said- it’s not my fault that you go to these legnths to entertain people- we shouldn’t have done this dinner party crap it’s lame.
I spent the rest of the day cooking and cleaning the house with tears in my eyes.
The dinner party was awesome – his friends their wives and their kids really enjoyed everything to my delight! – SO did not say A WORD.
Last night I put my foot down super hard. – on the train will tell you rest of story soon.
Post # 37
I said- I am almost broken by your constant critism of me. Almost. I am a tough woman and my ego has been bruised so much by your treatment of me that you need to put a hell of a lot more effort into the way you communicate. I have turned inside out for you to get crumbs and constant kicks up the ass in return.
He then replied saying that he never does! And said that he wants to improve me- that’s why he ‘suggests’ that I am an idiot all the time – LOL and that I’m so stupid and that I have such a stupid way of doing things that I frustrate him.
Because I have settled on this position in the past- I replied with this.
I am not bending over backwards for more critism. I am far from stupid and everybody knows that but you- I should not being having this conversation with you- if you love someone it shod be effortless to be kind to them- I am consistently kind to you – and I’ll do anything to make you happy-but this stops now. You have until new years to get your tone sorted out- and I’ll be doing whatever it takes to make myself happy again whether you agree with it or not- if you can’t deliver it’s over I’m through- that’s a promise.
Post # 38
Hi there! Thanks for you comment. I have thought that we were sexually incombatible sure. But it’s just gotten to a whole new level of neglect now. It’s actually me refusing to initiate for a couple of months that has sparked this reaction from him- I thought it would turn the tables but no- suddenly it’s now all my fault for his continuation not to innitiate! Please read what I did last night ( in my comments above and tell me what you think! Xxx
Post # 39
Post # 40
Good on you! If a couples sex life is lacking it’s up to BOTH of them to fix it. Why on earth would you want to be getting it on with him when he constantly puts you down???
He needs to sort out his crap and start treating you better or he can go find someone else to put down. I had an ex just like this, constantly telling me I didn’t enjoy sex with him because I didn’t just let go and enjoy myself – nope, I didn’t enjoy it because he would ignore anything I asked him to do and because he always put me down so I didn’t feel close to him. I finally worked out it wasn’t me who had something wrong with me at all and left. Best thing I ever did!
Post # 41
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
@Sunfire: You can be in shock. Walking away is why the divorce rate is so high. It’s up to you what you do in your relationship, but some people want to save their relationships or at least try to understand the man before they dump him. Personally, I didn’t come here to this thread to have you insult me for trying to share a story with the OP.
Post # 42
Maybe he is just frustrated and you have to explain how hat he said made you feel. Talk about it and make your decision based on how he responds. Don’t walk away without a conversation. Maybe things can be fixed.
Post # 43
@Hope1985: Great. And everytime he starts his carping and criticism, call him out for it. Don’t let him forget and slip back into that behavior.
Post # 44
@Hope1985: I was in a realtionship for a little over 2 years (this was my past relationship) and I went through something VERY similar to this. For the first 6 months, we were hot and heavy. My ex lost his job and out of logical reasoning, I asked him to move in with me until he got back on his feet. A month after he moved in, our initimacy tanked. The very next year, we were only intimate maybe 6 times. After that, twice in one year… yep out of 365 days and sleeping next to each other every night, it only happened twice.
Eventually he broke up with me. While doing so, he explained that he was no longer attracted to me and didn’t see me “in that way”. Later on, I also found out that he had been emotionally cheating with an ex. He immediately started dating her more publicly soon after our break up. All the while, leading up to the break up, I felt all the things you did. I was terrified of rejection and at times, just numb to it. It’s not a healthy place to be and it’s not worth it. My ex was somewhat dependable, funny, and likeable by lots of people but that didn’t mean he was the right person for me.
You don’t deserve this. This isn’t a healthy relationship ESPECIALLY if he is putting you down. Get out. Don’t lose yourself for fear of losing him. It’s not worth it. In the end, he will probably leave anyway and it’s not worth giving up all of yourself for someone who doesn’t care about you. Trust me. In another situation (earlier in my 20s) I did this. I gave my everything to try to save a failing relationship and in the end I was left with nothing except a broken heart. It took me 4 years to rebuild myself, my self confidence, and to love and live normally again.
Post # 45
@Hope1985: p.s. If you want to know what’s going on with him, then this is it. It’s him. Not you. At some point in a relationship, the guy will find his mate unattractive. It’s the man’s hunting instinct to think that what he has isn’t good enough and that there’s something out there that’s better when in fact you haven’t changed at all. Eventually, he will find you to be beautiful and attractive again but it will take some waiting. But I still don’t like that whole “putting you down” stuff.
Where did I get this explanation from? My current SO is a wonderful man who I can talk to about ANYTHING. I told him about the previous relationship (from my earlier post) and he gave me this explanation. He said this same thing happened to him when he was much younger. He thought his girlfriend at the time wasn’t doing it for him anymore. But his friends reminded him that she was actually pretty hot. He thought about it long and hard and realized that it was him with the problem, not her. He had to actively change his thinking in order to see her that way again.
Post # 46
What good is being mature and responsible if he’s not respectful towards you? Being mature encompasses being respectful of others. Why would you even want to be with someone who can admit that they are not attracted to you?