(Closed) My relationship is falling to pieces- help! X

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
37 posts
Newbee

I think the worst part is how much I’ve tried.  I’ve waited for him for 11 years and keep saying “maybe it will get better”.  And although he’s not a bad person, he’s just not a good partner for me.

He knows of my insecurities and does nothing to help me…or at least work through it together.  I feel that he needs to be in complete control of everything even our intimacy.  He sits on another couch, on the floor, in another room…. i feel all so he doesn’t have to touch me or for fear I may touch him.  He doesn’t come to bed with me…and then when I wake up in the middle of the night..he’s on the couch.  He says I snore and he can’t sleep… IDK anymore… So do you think another man will want me if I snore??? i don’t think so.

Post # 33
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2008

@stillwaiting123: please – don’t judge yourself by this man who is abusing you…and i know what abuse is, i was in an abusive relationship for 24 years…yes yes yes…he called me every name in the book.  I thought he was just rude and ignorant till i read about verbal abuse, he fit every category.  I told him and thought he would change – no he just got worse – when i said i feel so bad when you call me c… then he would constantly call me that – he is still the same – i have adult children and they are usually fighting with him.  for the last two years of our “marriage” we lived in the same house but in separate rooms – it was awful – well you can’t move on with him still around – you have to move on first and get yourself together – no man should call you names, say anything bad about you or put you down.  He told me i had bad breathe and farted all the time in bed – well that would give you a wierd feeling and made me self-conscious – well he was lying…and so is your “fiance”.  You don’t snore and who cares if you do – My husband to be now are getting married because i want to be married and he wants me to be happy.  I have found a great man now – been together for over 5 years and getting married on our 6th anniversary.  I am sooo happy and didn’t know i would ever find such happiness. I am a granny too. Every day i write in my journal things im thankful for, 3 things i love about him and 3 things i love about me.  Its sooo wonderful.  I believe in being positive now and he is my best friend and soon to be husband.  Life is good and great men are out there waiting to love you and take care of you and be your friend.  Dont waste time with someone who abuses you!

Post # 34
Member
37 posts
Newbee

So it’s not normal for him to not want to sleep with me..night after night?

Post # 35
Member
2478 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

@stillwaiting123:  Did you just Trend-jack? I’m sorry your still not working things out.

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I would love to hear an update from the OP

Post # 40
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

Good on you! If a couples sex life is lacking it’s up to BOTH of them to fix it. Why on earth would you want to be getting it on with him when he constantly puts you down??? 

He needs to sort out his crap and start treating you better or he can go find someone else to put down. I had an ex just like this, constantly telling me I didn’t enjoy sex with him because I didn’t just let go and enjoy myself – nope, I didn’t enjoy it because he would ignore anything I asked him to do and because he always put me down so I didn’t feel close to him. I finally worked out it wasn’t me who had something wrong with me at all and left. Best thing I ever did!

Post # 41
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

@Sunfire:  You can be in shock. Walking away is why the divorce rate is so high. It’s up to you what you do in your relationship, but some people want to save their relationships or at least try to understand the man before they dump him. Personally, I didn’t come here to this thread to have you insult me for trying to share a story with the OP.

Post # 42
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee

Maybe he is just frustrated and you have to explain how hat he said made you feel. Talk about it and make your decision based on how he responds. Don’t walk away without a conversation. Maybe things can be fixed.

Post # 43
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Hope1985:  Great. And everytime he starts his carping and criticism, call him out for it.  Don’t let him forget and slip back into that behavior.

Post # 44
Member
2973 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Hope1985:  I was in a realtionship for a little over 2 years (this was my past relationship) and I went through something VERY similar to this. For the first 6 months, we were hot and heavy. My ex lost his job and out of logical reasoning, I asked him to move in with me until he got back on his feet. A month after he moved in, our initimacy tanked. The very next year, we were only intimate maybe 6 times. After that, twice in one year… yep out of 365 days and sleeping next to each other every night, it only happened twice. 

Eventually he broke up with me. While doing so, he explained that he was no longer attracted to me and didn’t see me “in that way”. Later on, I also found out that he had been emotionally cheating with an ex. He immediately started dating her more publicly soon after our break up. All the while, leading up to the break up, I felt all the things you did. I was terrified of rejection and at times, just numb to it. It’s not a healthy place to be and it’s not worth it. My ex was somewhat dependable, funny, and likeable by lots of people but that didn’t mean he was the right person for me. 

You don’t deserve this. This isn’t a healthy relationship ESPECIALLY if he is putting you down. Get out. Don’t lose yourself for fear of losing him. It’s not worth it. In the end, he will probably leave anyway and it’s not worth giving up all of yourself for someone who doesn’t care about you. Trust me. In another situation (earlier in my 20s) I did this. I gave my everything to try to save a failing relationship and in the end I was left with nothing except a broken heart. It took me 4 years to rebuild myself, my self confidence, and to love and live normally again. 

 

Post # 45
Member
2973 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Hope1985:  p.s. If you want to know what’s going on with him, then this is it. It’s him. Not you. At some point in a relationship, the guy will find his mate unattractive. It’s the man’s hunting instinct to think that what he has isn’t good enough and that there’s something out there that’s better when in fact you haven’t changed at all. Eventually, he will find you to be beautiful and attractive again but it will take some waiting. But I still don’t like that whole “putting you down” stuff.

Where did I get this explanation from? My current SO is a wonderful man who I can talk to about ANYTHING. I told him about the previous relationship (from my earlier post) and he gave me this explanation. He said this same thing happened to him when he was much younger. He thought his girlfriend at the time wasn’t doing it for him anymore. But his friends reminded him that she was actually pretty hot. He thought about it long and hard and realized that it was him with the problem, not her. He had to actively change his thinking in order to see her that way again. 

Post # 46
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee

What good is being mature and responsible if he’s not respectful towards you?  Being mature encompasses being respectful of others.  Why would you even want to be with someone who can admit that they are not attracted to you?  

 

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