(Closed) My relationship is in shambles. We have no intimacy anymore. Please advise

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
1981 posts
Buzzing bee

First of all, this is ABUSE. Please, please, please try to formulate an escape plan. Your husband is showing his true colors and it is not likely he will ever change back to who he was. I don’t think you should be ashamed to tell your parents or anyone else, but you do need to talk to people who you can trust and who will help you.

Please leave now while you still can, I don’t think I can emphasize this enough. This is not good for you! If you don’t have the means of leaving right away, just find a job to build up some money in your own checking account–and leave in a little while. Do it soon. 

PS-if you do not actually want to give him oral sex, it’s rape. In rape cases, burden of proof is on the rapist, not the victim. Press charges to get out if need be.

Post # 4
Member
1220 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

First, I’d get a job.  Something that you like to do (doesn’t have to be a well paid job) and will make you want to get up in the morning.

Once you’re feeling good about being productive, you will feel better about yourself.  Maybe he’ll notice that you’re not just hanging on to his coatstraps and will realize he better not treat you like crap.

 

As for his behavior, it’s inexcuseable.  

Post # 5
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

I’ve heard of and seen men change dramatically when triggered by stress… sometimes they’ll suddenly start acting like their father or another relative (or another negative role model).

I am normally a fan of communication and counselling… but his behavior sounds well across the line of acceptable behavior.  Is it an option to move in with a friend for a while?

Post # 6
Member
925 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

((hugs)) I’m so sorry to hear this.  Have u guys sat down and had a serious talk and you tell him how he’s making u feel?  It sounds like maybe he’s feeling a little insecure about himself.  Even though he says you shouldn’t get a job, would you still get one?  They say that when things are going sour in a relationship it’s usually because of financial issues.  I hope everything works out for you, I hate to see fellow bees not feeling good about themselves.  I don’t blame you for being sick of it, I would too.  I’m sure it can be fixed, he just has to want to!

Post # 7
Member
3539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

OMG .. LEAVEEEEEEEEEE or have that big rant about that he cant do this too you.. Get a job and put secret squirrel money and bail.

I second everything that laboroflove said..

Im so sorry your going through this *hugs*

Post # 9
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

Can you call a domestic violence hotline?  It’s hard to know if this is circumstances or a pattern with your husband, but what I do know is that this is emotional (and possibly sexual) abuse.

In talking with the people on the hotline you can strategize what your appropriate next steps should be, and most importantly formulate a plan.

A plan is important because emotional abuse can escalate into physical abuse at any time.  You need to have a plan of action!

Please know that this is not your fault and you should not have to put up with this.  We’re always here if you need us.  Stay strong and take action!

Post # 11
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee

i’m so sorry you’re going through this, too! but don’t be embarassed or ashamed to reach out to your family and any friends you might have for help. i know you must be confused and scared and i am so sorry you’re going through this. if you can — try talking to someone you trust and see if you can stay with them for awhile. your mom, dad, sibling, girlfriend… anyone. it definitely sounds like abuse and you should distance yourself from the situation until you can get some counseling with him. good luck!!!

Post # 12
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Has he been under stress like this before?  Or is this the first time he’s really struggled with money problems…

Post # 13
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I don’t feel entirely able to give you advice on this one without knowing more about you.  I will tell you that you I think seeking help (counseling or the like) would be a good plan.  I also think letting someone who is physically close to you know about the situation would be a good plan.  To me, it sounds like more than money stress.  I think Mr. Bee’s suggestion to move out for a while is a good plan.  Please, please do a little research.  Find out where the nearest women’s shelter is, should you ever need it.  Be safe and if you are a praying woman, that can’t hurt.

 

 

 

Post # 14
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee

I think his behavior is abusive and beyond repair by talking it out, counseling, etc. It is very disturbing that he is trying to control you in every aspect of your life. What right does anyone have to tell you whether you can get a job or not? That is YOUR choice. And, as mentioned already, forcing you into oral sex is rape.

This guy sounds psychologically disturbed and the sooner you get out of this situation the better.  Do you have any family members you can turn to? 

Post # 15
Member
1981 posts
Buzzing bee

Stress is affecting him big time–intimacy isn’t a priority to him right now.

I think if you feel like he would listen to you, you should try to talk to him about how he’s making you feel. But, something a few people have breezed over, there are a few red flags:

1. He calls you names. Emotional abuse and projection.

2. He told you not to work, that he wants to support you. Controlling, and also an ego issue.

3. He ignores any needs you have, intimately. Controlling and emotional abuse.

4. He is getting his needs met by forcing you. Controlling.

5. He changed after the marriage–he knew he had you. Hallmark of an abuser.

Please talk to a counselor, someone about this if you choose not to leave. This can escalate quickly, as you already found out after the wedding. Good luck, hugs and I wish you the best.

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