(Closed) My relationship is in shambles. We have no intimacy anymore. Please advise

posted 10 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 107
Member
2206 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I am really surprised/worried about the few Bees who don’t recognize this behaviour as abuse. If you can’t see it from the outside, how will you ever recognize it if you are a victim?

This is one issue where I am willing to offend people, because it might save lives someday. If you don’t think this is abuse, you need to reread the post, and several of the long ones from other Bees that detail the signs. If you still don’t understand, please post so we can walk you through it.

If you think it is in their best interest to wait around and hope it improves, again, do the same. This is serious stuff, and women especially need to know the signs.

Post # 108
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I just read this and can’t even imagine what you are feeling right now. This is definately not normal behaviour and not healthy. I agree with what a lot of the other bees have already said. Get counseling and get out as fast as you can! So sad….I hope you respond soon.

**hugs**

Post # 109
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

please update us, Secret, and let us know how you’re doing!!!

Post # 110
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@my.2….ouchie!  I didn’t tell her to go run in traffic!  Nor was I pretending to know the plan of God.  HOWEVER, all bad, hurtful, hard periods in our life DO come to an end eventually and I am encouraging her to remember that.  This will come to an end, and that end may be with or without her husband, BUT you nor I know that.  I’m sure because I used the words ‘God’ and ‘pray’ that put some people on edge, but I can’t worried about whether or not that offends you or anyone else on these boards because I am coming from my perspective.  Your advice echoes your own perspective.  As for her being a half of a woman if she left him and the situation as it is, I feel that statement would be true for a while.  She would have to build back up to a point where she is healed and confident in herself once again.  He would also remain broken because he is the one with the problem…that is until he sees the light and realize the flaws in his ways.  But at the end of the day, they are still married.  Too many people wanna throw the ‘divorce flag’ too quickly and I disagree with it.  That doesn’t mean that you and the twenty people who agree with you should feel the same, but that’s the beauty of the boards, isn’t it?  Regardless, MrsSecret, hang in there Wink and as someone above requested, please keep us posted.  There is something for all of us to be learned from this.  

Post # 111
Member
1981 posts
Buzzing bee

Agree 100% with monitajb. A lot of times, I think people make their problems seem smaller than they really are, and try to hide the signs of abuse. THIS IS ONE OF MANY TEXTBOOK CASES OF ABUSE. If you think you are being abused, check the signs and call for help. Tell someone. Do something to NOT become another fatality statistic from an abuser.

Post # 112
Member
1981 posts
Buzzing bee

ToyToy, I disagree with you 100%. You can’t change someone else and you can’t be stranded in a relationship with someone who refuses to change and does not keep your best interests in mind.

 

Post # 113
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Run, don’t walk, away from this man. I’ve been in an abusive relationship similar to the one you are describing and I promise you it will only get worse. There is a line and your husband has crossed it. There is now no turning back. It will always come back to this point. You deserve to be treated like a goddess. You deserve to feel loved, respected and admired. This man has proved to you that he is an abusive piece of shit and I strongly urge you to remove yourself from this situation immediately. The longer you wait the harder it will become. Please, for your own sanity and safety get the hell out of there!!

Post # 114
Member
1106 posts
Bumble bee

Toytoy are you kidding me? Your telling this woman to stay in a very very dangerous situation that could and probably will cost her her life if she does stay. G-d gave her the strength to get on here and tell us her story and gave her the gift of all these woman helping her out. G-d isnt going to walk out of this relationship for her, she has got to do it. G-d gives you the tools to help. but if your not willing to help yourself, you will never get better.

Secret please please update us.. I cant stop worrying about your well being!

Post # 115
Member
2206 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@ ToyToy, I think everyone’s concern is not that you don’t believe she should rush into divorce. I know I have personally pointed out that seeking the right kind of help does not require her to get a divorce.

Our concern is that she get mixed messages about whether or not this is ABUSE. Getting a divorce is so totally not an important issue right now. First and absolutely foremost is her safety.

Abuse victims already think that they are the ones who aren’t working hard enough, need to hope a little harder, pray a little more. Work, hope and prayers are important, but the first thing to do is get safe, and then the work and hope and prayers will have a chance to flourish.

Post # 116
Member
22 posts
Newbee

Toytoy: Please stop. You are sending mixed messages that, if read a certain way, could put an abuse victim in serious danger, and/or add guilt to an already horrific situation.

This is not a “beauty of the boards” situation, or a winky-winky icon situation. This is life and death.

If you’re interested in discussing any of this, I beg you to PM me OFF this board. Really.

Anyone in a situation like this needs to immediately and safely remove themselves physically and seek help and support.

Post # 117
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@ToyToy – I think I understand what you mean, but it’s very important to emphasize that this man’s being broken is entirely due to his own actions and that it’s no one’s job but his to do the work that will lead to his being whole.

Agreed, too, that prayer can be a powerful tool in times of adversity.  It’s not wish fulfillment, though.  A man can find the strength to change through faith, but God isn’t going to reach down and force him to as a result of his wife’s prayer. 

Prayer for healing can comfort, prayer for support can empower and prayer for grace can sustain, but prayer for someone else to change can lead only to bitterness.

Edited to add:  Worrying about divorce at this point is jumping way ahead in the game.  What matters right now is that OP is safe and in place where she is able to reflect on her marriage and her feelings without being subjected to a constant stream of emotional abuse.

Post # 118
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

My heart aches so much for you, I sat here reading all of these trying so hard to hold back the tears! So many have nailed this subject right on the head. Oh gosh I will try to keep this as short as possible.

I myself am coming up on another aniversary of the divorce of my Ex-husband. These ladies are right, emotional abuse is straight up ABUSE non-the less. My ex was VERY controling, he hated me having any sort of outside life next to him. I did, and I worked full time (Military actually) and he found so many ways to hold that against me, he wanted me to find a way to get out, he hated I worked with so many men, which I think you can put together what I often got accused of. There are two many nights of arguing to even be able to remember everything that man said and did to me. Do not underestimate the power of emotional abuse. And those like yourself who have been through it truley know this. I wish I had the Bee’s and knew about them then. Because I did the same thing you are doing. I told no one. To be honest, my ex and i eloped and were planning our big (actual) wedding, and no one even knew we were married. To this day, my fam still does not know. That haunts me, there are many things I would do different. I was so afraid of telling my parents, afraid to burden them with something that they could not control also, I wish I did. I really do! I wish I would have talked to them, I wish I would have reached out to people, I saw this side of him the night before our wedding, and I wish i was not in such shock the next day and wish I did not go through with it.

I have so many regrets, PLEASE DO NOT BE LIKE ME my dear! You need to reach out, I know the ache of wishing you could talk to your family, and unlike me and what I did you need to listen to that. Call the number, call your fam. You need to talk to someone or you will find yourself in such a dark place you will not even recognize yourself. Words cant exaplin the emotional effect that this did to me, and it took me years to be like myself and “Find myself” again. Dont do that to yourself! I hate looking back at the darkness that that abuse put me through, and I know if I would have made a few different choices I would not have gone through that, i seriously feel like my lack of choices hurt myself more and took away time in my life i cant get back. I understand, and I so know that it is all easier said then done! But it is whats best, and what healthy for YOU! I am here if you need to talk or need anything, just let me know dear! Your in my thoughts and prayers!!!!

Post # 119
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@my.02…thank you for the offer to discuss this off the boards considering we seem to differ on our stances.  However, I really do feel as though my posts have been misunderstood…as though I am telling her to disregard her own well being or something.  I don’t feel the need that I should STOP saying anything just because a few of you don’t understand where I am coming from.  I’ve witnessed emotional abuse as a child, my own mother went through emotional abuse, I completely get that.  I agree that she should seek help from a counselor, friends, etc. I agree that she has to find some light in this situation (hence the sunshine in the storm).  BUT I do not know if she is at her wit’s end with this relationship, if any steps have been made (professionally) to reconcile the relationship with her hubby, and until she has reached the end, I don’t think she divorce should be ‘waved-around’ prematurely.  I want nothing but the best for this woman and her situation, despite what you may believe.  That is my main point…that she makes sure that all the she can do has been exhausted before she throws in the towel.  AND GIVE THE GIRL SOME POSITIVITY for crying out loud!  She knows she’s in a bad situation and that he’s being abusive.  I truly think she knows this.

Post # 120
Member
5262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think this thread is getting off topic. 

Bottom line to the OP, we are here for you and would love to help you by talking and providing resources. We’re all worried about you and looking forward to hearing from you again. 

Post # 121
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

I agree, thanks lilyfaith!

keepitasecret – We are here for you, and would love to support you through this difficult time! 🙂

The topic ‘My relationship is in shambles. We have no intimacy anymore. Please advise’ is closed to new replies.

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