- 10 years ago
- Wedding: November 2012
Yesterday my relationship ended. And I’m not sure what to do or how to move on. I’ve been lurking on the boards for awhile now because I thought we were going to get married this year or next year. I guess I’m posting because I feel I have no where else to go. Right now I feel like nothing matters anymore. For the last ten years I’ve struggled with relationships and my career. I ended a six year relationship last January because I knew he wasn’t the one. I had picked out the ring, he had put a deposit on the ring. And then we had a huge fight and I realized I couldn’t spend my life with a man who was as selfish as he was. During the turmoil of ending that six year relationship I met a new guy and I fell hard. I thought that God had put him in my life. We connected on a level that I had never connected with anyone before. He was caring, supportive, and was truly into me. Everything I wanted from a partner. We thought we were going to get married. After my six year relationship ended I went into this new relationship knowing I wanted to be better and do better. I didn’t want to bring old baggage into this new relationship. I was more open and calm and mature. He just got me. And encouraged my openness and growth. We encouraged each other. For six months things were wonderful between us and then… he became distant. I thought it was because of a new job that was pretty demanding so I tried to be supportive and patient, even though I was devastated. In December I learned that the distance was due to more than job stress. He finally told me the entire truth……..his ex-girlfriend was pregnant and he might be the Father. Imagine my shock and devastation. But I was relieved to finally learn the truth. He did not believe the child was his, but knew that until they got the result of the paternity tests, he had to be there for her and the baby. And this is why he was so distant with me. Well we finally got the results of the test and he learned that he is the child’s Father. He then told me that he couldn’t be with me. And said he couldn’t have any further contact with me. I was DEVASTATED. While I respect and understand his decision, I am angry, sad, disappointed…just feeling every emotion int he book. On a logical level I get it because there is no way he can meet my emotional needs and his ex girlfriend’s needs as well. She never wanted to let him go, even though he had told her that he could never be married to her. Now, because of this child, he is forced to be with a woman who he does not love, to provide a stable environment for his child.
Words can barely describe what I’m feeling right now. This man is someone who I thought was my soul mate and I just knew we were going to get married and have a wonderful life together. When we first met and were figuring out whether we should date seriously, we would talk on the phone for hours into the wee morning, talking about our fears about life and relationships, talking about our dreams and hopes. It seemed like we were meant to be. And now it’s all gone. I’ve lost it. I’ve lost him.
I look back on my life and wonder when will it be my turn to experience happiness because I don’t think I’ve ever really experienced it. Nothing ever seems to work out for me. I’m 33 and it’s been ten years of heartache, rejection, and unhappiness. I recently started going back to church last summer because I felt I needed some spiritual guidance. But now I’m angry at God. I’m angry that he just couldn’t give me this one relationship. After ten years of lonliness, isn’t it my turn? When will it be my turn? I just don’t have anymore to give. I’ve been a good friend, daughter, sister, employee. And it seems like none of that matters. I see people around me who are not good getting everything they want…a nice home, marriage, kids, a good job. And I keep ending up empty handed. What did I do wrong? What am I doing wrong? I just can’t do this anymore. The pain is neverending.
I am extremely lost and I just need some support and advice to keep me moving forward. How am I going to get over losing my soul mate? How do you keep faith that everything will work out? How do I have faith that I will find someone who is going to love and want me? Will I ever be a mother? God knows I’ve prayed, But I don’t know that prayer works. It never seems to work for me. I’m alone and childless. And right now I don’t care about anything or anyone.