(Closed) My Second Chance…..

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
1866 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Notjustasummerthing:  I suffer from generalised anxiety disorder and a panic disorder and it is truly awful. It is very hard to make level headed decisions when you can’t escape the torment of your own mind. 

I am so glad he is getting help, I take medication and see a therapist to treat mine and once you understand why you feel the way you do it does get a whole lot easier and I hope it works out the same for him. 

as I said before you seem like you have a great head on your shoulders and you are going about this the right way. If you are both willing to put in the work I can’t see why this won’t work out Xx

Post # 18
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Notjustasummerthing:  Looking at your past posts, he had also “taken breaks” before. It shouldn’t be this hard. And you guys are in your 30s! (I am too). There shouldn’t be all this back and forth. If anything, this seems like his second (third, fourth, fifth?) to break your heart. It’s been 2 weeks and you’re talking about how your communication has improved. How can you even make that statement in so little time? That’s a big red flag. The fact that you say you’re being cautious (because your head knows you should be), but your heart is grasping at hope with so little to go on. You may have learneda bit about yourself in those 5 months of  being single, but it still seems like you have a weakness when it comes to him.

Post # 20
Member
910 posts
Busy bee

I never said relationships were easy or life was perfect. Sometimes a relationship is so hard though and so much work that the enjoyment is sucked out of it. But this is your choice and only you know how much enjoyment you get from it. 

Post # 21
Member
4243 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Notjustasummerthing:  I am one who will admittedly say VERY often on here “move on”.  That’s not because I’m part of a “throw away society” and I believe in throwing away relationships.  Not at all.  It’s because I firmly believe that a TON of women, myself included, have put up with so much shit from their not-so-great significant others and are so consumed in that other person that they ignore blatant red flags of unhealthy relationships.  I believe in marriage.  I believe in commitment.  I believe in relationships working out.  I DON’T believe that it is a healthy relationship you have to go on multiple “breaks” to “figure out” a relationship.  I get it, he had a rough time when he broke off the engagement.  Yet, how can he have shown you in TWO WEEKS that he has improved communication and is committed to this?  I have food in my fridge that is older than that.  You don’t know that he has changed.  You don’t know why all of a sudden he is committed.  If you want to give it another go, sure go right ahead…however what if he leaves again and comes back begging for 3rd, 4th, 5th chances?

Whatever you do tread lightly.  Believe his actions, not his words.  It is so easy for ANYONE to say “I’ve changed and I’m committed to you” but it takes a lot to actually follow up and do it.

Post # 23
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Continue to be scared – your fear is there for a reason. Your brain is reminding you of past experiences where this man has hurt you. So unless you want to deliberately NOT learn from your past experiences, let yourself be wary. Move slowly. Continue to date other men and do all the other things you did this past summer, when you thought the relationship was kaput. If your ex has truly changed, his behavior toward you over the next 6 months will re-teach you to trust him again. But let it happen naturally, guided by his actual behavior, not your hopes. Don’t feel like you have to turn off your feelings  of wariness and fear like a switch, just because your ex, apparently, has suddenly decided to flip his own head-switch. If your ex has truly changed, and is worth being with, he will be ok with you taking time to put yourself all into a relationship that he threw away completely only a few short months ago.

Post # 24
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Tread carefully. If he wants to prove to you he’s working on fixing himself, let him. Good luck!

Post # 25
Member
8992 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Notjustasummerthing:  I really hope things work out for you but please be careful.

I know you said the two of you have been working together all summer to try and resolve your problems but it also sounds like you have really worked on yourself and were begining to flourish. It seems weird to me that just as that was happening he suddenly decided to try harder. It is almost like he knew you were getting to a place where you woukd be strong enough to walk away so he decided to reel you back in.

Just an outsiders perspective to consider. And I say that as someone who has seen it happen with couples in therapy.

Post # 26
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I think your and your fiancées journey / story is refreshing.  So many people throw away relationships instead of working through them. Nothing in life is easy.  Anything worth having in life takes work and it sounds like you have a history that has lasted longer than many marriages and that is commendable.   I’ve heard many posts talk about being able to forgive.   He did make a mistake. A big one. He walked away days before the wedding.  That had to have been a horrible thing to get through. And it sounds like you are stronger as a result.   Personally I think he was going through shock with the diagnosis of his mom.  To me, it seems forgivable especially since it seems he is trying to do everything possible now to fix his mistake.  that’s commendable.   Cheating on one’s significant other is something that many people in society do these days it seems (Just look at the million accounts involved in the Ashley Madison scandal) so I think it’s worth nothing that it’s very hard to find a good person now a days and despite his mistakes in judgement, he sounds like he is a good person and so do you.   Just my two cents. 

Post # 28
Member
2129 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Notjustasummerthing:  From your updates it seems like you want to give it another try…

I read your previous threads and I wouldn’t put myself through it again. I got rid of my Savior mentality a while ago so I wouldn’t want that type of person as my life partner.

Post # 29
Member
262 posts
Helper bee

You’ll get advice in both directions here. Ultimately, I think it comes down to whether you think the risk is worth it. I will say I do think people can change if they truly want to. Most probably don’t, but it can and does happen. My Fiance and I went through a separation where we both did a lot of growing, and now we have a strong, happy relationship. 

Post # 30
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Notjustasummerthing:  You should reframe as HIS 2nd chance.  You are the one who makes the decision about this relationship.  You are in control.  I’m one who leans toward there being an amount of work that isn’t worth doing.  I certainly cared about my ex-SO when I was with him, but a lot of the “work” was fundamental incompatibility – differences in values, morals, and interests.  With H it’s easy.  When there are struggles, it’s because we’re juggling finances or time management and we always work it through using teamwork.  I never have to “fix” what’s wrong or emotionally unavailable about him. I wish you all the best. 

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