Post # 16
morningcoffee: He did let me go and when I was feeling needier it was I who kept contacting him. That’s why I said I never felt good about how things were going. I stopped and backed off to let him decide what he wanted ( I didnt’ want to force anything) and now we’re here. And I agree it shouldn’t be so hard, but I think it’s naive to think that everyone’s life is easy or perfect. And maybe, our love is so strong that we fight the hard stuff to be together. We make a choice and say, yes life is goin to be harder, we are goin to face struggles and difficult times, but we choose that life because we choose each other.
Post # 17
Notjustasummerthing: I suffer from generalised anxiety disorder and a panic disorder and it is truly awful. It is very hard to make level headed decisions when you can’t escape the torment of your own mind.
I am so glad he is getting help, I take medication and see a therapist to treat mine and once you understand why you feel the way you do it does get a whole lot easier and I hope it works out the same for him.
as I said before you seem like you have a great head on your shoulders and you are going about this the right way. If you are both willing to put in the work I can’t see why this won’t work out Xx
Post # 18
Notjustasummerthing: Looking at your past posts, he had also “taken breaks” before. It shouldn’t be this hard. And you guys are in your 30s! (I am too). There shouldn’t be all this back and forth. If anything, this seems like his second (third, fourth, fifth?) to break your heart. It’s been 2 weeks and you’re talking about how your communication has improved. How can you even make that statement in so little time? That’s a big red flag. The fact that you say you’re being cautious (because your head knows you should be), but your heart is grasping at hope with so little to go on. You may have learneda bit about yourself in those 5 months of being single, but it still seems like you have a weakness when it comes to him.
Post # 19
sept22insf: And if all the back and forth is because of anxiety? Everytime there has been a ‘break’ it’s been for the same reason, and then he calms down and comes back. This was just the most dramatic version of that. And if it’s always the same thing, and he learns to cope with it, then we can move forward. We’re in our 30s now but we weren’t when we took our breaks, and furthermore who cares? Anxiety is a real thing. It stops you dead in your tracks and you can’t get out of your own head. If he’s actually going to try and work on it (and that is the part I’m weary of since it has only been 2 weeks since he’s made these revelations) then maybe we can move past it.
And yes, I can see that his communication has improved in 2 weeks. It’s not a big statement at all. I notice a change in him that has been needed for 9 years. And he’s working on it.
I find it frustrating when I keep having people tell me ‘it shouldn’t be this hard’. Like, give me a break. It’s not that hard for us to be together- at all. It is the most loving relationship I’ve ever been in, and he treats me like a queen. Everyone can tell how much he loves me which is why everyone was shocked by what happened. I’m obviously not telling you all the wonderful moments we shared in our 8 years together. I’m pointing out only the 2-3 breaks in our time together. Breaks that would not have happened if we were the same religions and his parents didn’t get in his ear all the time. I get that he has to be strong and he has to decide if he’s fighting for us. I get that in only 2 weeks I don’t know if it will change or not. I’m simply saying that I am noticing a big change in him and one that I’m so proud of him for making. People can only make the changes on their own terms when they are ready to make them. For the past 8 years (and probably before) he has been struggling with his anxiety about starting a life that is disobeying his parents wishes (which is against his religion but what he wants in his heart). That’s what caused us to have breaks. Nothing more. These are not trite issues and they are difficult to deal with. Have some understanding instead of simply saying ‘it shouldn’t be so hard’. Sometimes it is hard. And it will always be that way. Do you mean to tell me if life with your SO was hard you would just walk away and say ‘it shouldn’t be so hard’? It’s not black or white. There’s a lot of grey here.
Post # 20
I never said relationships were easy or life was perfect. Sometimes a relationship is so hard though and so much work that the enjoyment is sucked out of it. But this is your choice and only you know how much enjoyment you get from it.
Post # 21
Notjustasummerthing: I am one who will admittedly say VERY often on here “move on”. That’s not because I’m part of a “throw away society” and I believe in throwing away relationships. Not at all. It’s because I firmly believe that a TON of women, myself included, have put up with so much shit from their not-so-great significant others and are so consumed in that other person that they ignore blatant red flags of unhealthy relationships. I believe in marriage. I believe in commitment. I believe in relationships working out. I DON’T believe that it is a healthy relationship you have to go on multiple “breaks” to “figure out” a relationship. I get it, he had a rough time when he broke off the engagement. Yet, how can he have shown you in TWO WEEKS that he has improved communication and is committed to this? I have food in my fridge that is older than that. You don’t know that he has changed. You don’t know why all of a sudden he is committed. If you want to give it another go, sure go right ahead…however what if he leaves again and comes back begging for 3rd, 4th, 5th chances?
Whatever you do tread lightly. Believe his actions, not his words. It is so easy for ANYONE to say “I’ve changed and I’m committed to you” but it takes a lot to actually follow up and do it.
Post # 22
Just for clarification…we have been working through things all summer long. The two weeks comment was just me noticing that in the past two weeks he seems to have turned a corner. I am treading very lightly.
One thing I have learned was that when he said ‘I need space’ it’s not that he actually wants a break, which is how I interpreted things, but that he just needed a break from talking about the stressful situation. I just misinterpreted things. And our ‘breaks’ such as they were never lasted longer than a week. And we usually texted or talked on the phone throughout. So not a real ‘break’ where we actually took time apart.
Anyways, we have been figuring things out and sorting through everything that happened and why all summer, but I am just saying that I have noticed a significant change in him in the past two weeks.
Post # 23
Continue to be scared – your fear is there for a reason. Your brain is reminding you of past experiences where this man has hurt you. So unless you want to deliberately NOT learn from your past experiences, let yourself be wary. Move slowly. Continue to date other men and do all the other things you did this past summer, when you thought the relationship was kaput. If your ex has truly changed, his behavior toward you over the next 6 months will re-teach you to trust him again. But let it happen naturally, guided by his actual behavior, not your hopes. Don’t feel like you have to turn off your feelings of wariness and fear like a switch, just because your ex, apparently, has suddenly decided to flip his own head-switch. If your ex has truly changed, and is worth being with, he will be ok with you taking time to put yourself all into a relationship that he threw away completely only a few short months ago.
Post # 24
Tread carefully. If he wants to prove to you he’s working on fixing himself, let him. Good luck!
Post # 25
Notjustasummerthing: I really hope things work out for you but please be careful.
I know you said the two of you have been working together all summer to try and resolve your problems but it also sounds like you have really worked on yourself and were begining to flourish. It seems weird to me that just as that was happening he suddenly decided to try harder. It is almost like he knew you were getting to a place where you woukd be strong enough to walk away so he decided to reel you back in.
Just an outsiders perspective to consider. And I say that as someone who has seen it happen with couples in therapy.
Post # 26
I think your and your fiancées journey / story is refreshing. So many people throw away relationships instead of working through them. Nothing in life is easy. Anything worth having in life takes work and it sounds like you have a history that has lasted longer than many marriages and that is commendable. I’ve heard many posts talk about being able to forgive. He did make a mistake. A big one. He walked away days before the wedding. That had to have been a horrible thing to get through. And it sounds like you are stronger as a result. Personally I think he was going through shock with the diagnosis of his mom. To me, it seems forgivable especially since it seems he is trying to do everything possible now to fix his mistake. that’s commendable. Cheating on one’s significant other is something that many people in society do these days it seems (Just look at the million accounts involved in the Ashley Madison scandal) so I think it’s worth nothing that it’s very hard to find a good person now a days and despite his mistakes in judgement, he sounds like he is a good person and so do you. Just my two cents.
Post # 27
happygirl2016: thank you for your positivity and reminding me what I am fighting for. Forgiveness is the hardest thing with this. the memories of the day he told me come flooding back sometimes and I can’t figure out how I can fprgive him. the other issue I am having to be honest, is I’ve spent five months convincing myself and having others convince me why I’m better off without him, all his flaws, all bad components of our relationship. I still believe we belong together though but focusing only on the negative for five months makes it hard to just sit on a date with him and not want to talk about how he’s sure everything has changed. And I have to just let go a bit.
j_jaye: I do appreciate your perspective and I am weary. However, Im not so sure I’ve flourished as much as I would like to believe. I still wake up every day and think of him, our life, what we lost. I’m having a hard time being happy for other people as they get the things I wanted…
last night we went out and I told him about how I had set a timeline and how I was planning on ending things but that he changed and so I didn’t…I’m not sure he had any clue about that. We also spoke about how though this is a process, it shouldn’t take us another 8 years to commit again, and we needed to see tangible changes by December ( I.e. if we get back together I’m not going to be his girlfriend again and live separately, we would live together etc.)
Post # 28
Notjustasummerthing: From your updates it seems like you want to give it another try…
I read your previous threads and I wouldn’t put myself through it again. I got rid of my Savior mentality a while ago so I wouldn’t want that type of person as my life partner.
Post # 29
You’ll get advice in both directions here. Ultimately, I think it comes down to whether you think the risk is worth it. I will say I do think people can change if they truly want to. Most probably don’t, but it can and does happen. My Fiance and I went through a separation where we both did a lot of growing, and now we have a strong, happy relationship.
Post # 30
Notjustasummerthing: You should reframe as HIS 2nd chance. You are the one who makes the decision about this relationship. You are in control. I’m one who leans toward there being an amount of work that isn’t worth doing. I certainly cared about my ex-SO when I was with him, but a lot of the “work” was fundamental incompatibility – differences in values, morals, and interests. With H it’s easy. When there are struggles, it’s because we’re juggling finances or time management and we always work it through using teamwork. I never have to “fix” what’s wrong or emotionally unavailable about him. I wish you all the best.