(Closed) My sexual past is killing my sexual present.

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
1763 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I completely understand where your coming from. I was in a relationship and was often pressured to have sex. Sometimes when Fiance tries to “put moves” on me it sometimes brings up those old feeling of being pressured and not enjoying relations.  I did talk to Fiance about this and he completely understood. I also found over time I felt this way less and less as our intimate relationship grew because I knew he was coming from a genuine place.

Maybe you guys could just take things really slow and keep things PG until you get gradually more comfortable with that part of your relationship. I would also let Fiance know that it might take time but once you are married you will be willing to keep working on being comfortable with your sexuality.  Take it slowly and it will come. Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

This might be Too Much Information, but hey, let’s be open, right? 

When R and I first started fooling around (and later, having sex) we were in high school, so it was always somewhere there was a possibility of being caught. It did the exact same thing to me you are describing – when we weren’t together, I would get so wrapped up in fantasizing about having sex and fooling around with him. But when we were together and he wanted it, I couldn’t stop keeping a lookout. Every noise I heard, even if no one was home, I had to check out or reassure myself about. 

It became such a habit through those 3 years of high school where we kept this up, that when I got my own apartment (albeit with a roommate) I still couldn’t focus on sex. 

The funny thing is, what finally gave me that feeling of freedom was doing some “risque” – I think it was something small like we took a shower together in the one bathroom I shared with my roommate that bordered her room. She was home and in the living room, and I finally felt like, “hey, this is DIFFERENT. I don’t have to feel bad, I’m an adult, this isn’t wrong.” 

I think you have to find your own epiphany moment – your way of telling your brain that fooling around isn’t sleazy because it’s with the person you love. How could that be sleazy? It’s passion! 

Post # 5
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I am concerned with the “emotional scarring”…I don’t want to read too much into that phrase, but there is something that happened to me in my past which I found (and actually used the exact same phrase) “emotionally scarring”. I needed, and perhaps you need (and I mean this in a totally supportive way) help with/for that.

I also had a promiscuous period, but I don’t have an issue with it – it just is what it is, I cannot change it, and it doesn’t affect the type of person I am. It’s the past, and I don’t think sexually experimenting necessarily means you are sleazy or dirty.

But, if you ever feel you don’t want to do something then – you shouldn’t do it. You are never under any obligation to give anyone anything you don’t want to give them.

What you did in your past is just that – your past. “Hooking up” or fooling around with your Fiance doesn’t make you sleazy…and everyone cleans up afterwards. It’s a natural reaction, plus it helps to minimize UTIs and other health concerns.

Hmm/grrr, I dunno…I want to say a bunch, but I can’t word it well. I will just say this: you are a good person, and your past has nothing to do with what type of person, fiancé, or lover you are. You are certainly not sleazy or dirty. But to honestly answer your specific question, I don’t know how you can just “get over” your feelings.  If there is a root reason or event for the way you feel, you should deal with it (again, I mean this in a supportive way). Whatever makes you feel this way I can’t imagine will just go away with saying “I do”.

You have NO REASON to beat yourself up. What happened, happened, and it doesn’t determine what type of person you are.

Post # 6
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Lets just say I never had a childhood and put it at that…

My guy is very innocent sexually and I’m not. Never have been. I’m a very sexual person to the point that I pout hardcore when he turns me down and it is often, as I want it a LOT and he wants it like once a week. I used to see sex as “showing love” and that wasn’t healthy and when he didn’t do it right or enough I would think he didn’t love me.

That said, it sounds like the best thing for you two is go to a counselor.  One that specializes in sexual therapy.  Basically you equating sex with your past and what you need to do is put your fiance/hubby in the intimate mode.  They have exercises and it really helps.

Things like close eyes, sit cross leg in front of each other and only touch hands…for that night, then you only touch elbows and so on… basically it’s resetting your body/mind for the anticipation of him and only him.  It’s helped us tremendously and if you don’t think you can get a counselor (or for you guys to agree to see one) there are exercises online you can look up ( I have links if you are interested)

Last of all, even if you don’t….I would strongly recommend seeing someone by yourself. Your past is a part of who makes you. I look back on my past as just that. You need to embrace that side of your life before you can fully commit to your future with your hubby.

Post # 8
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Why are you hung up on the “waiting until the wedding night” thing?  From reading your post it sounds like this is a major part of your hang-up, if not all of it.  You aren’t a virgin, and he is “putting the moves on you” (meaning he is ready) yet you’re shutting him down.  I think it’s time to kill the act of waiting.  It’s causing you emotional distress and it’s not worth it just to be able to say you waited until the wedding night, no offense.  It’s better to know now if the sex is going to be a problem than later.

Post # 10
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I went through the same thing. When I was younger, I had quite a few umm..”friends”.  I had a major breakup with what I thought “was the one” at the time-he didn’t think and cheated on me…twice.  It broke my heart and the only way that I could release my anger was through sex.  It was so bad, that this ex-boyfriend of mine called me a few months later and told me that I better be more careful, that I am starting to have a reputation.  That stopped me right there, I stopped being so promiscuous.  I was really good…for YEARS!!  That was until I met the guy of my dreams that I am dating right now.  When we were first started dating I was honest with him.  I told him about my past & my number of partners. I told him that I would want to see where this relationship is going because I don’t want to repeat my past.  He was totally cool with it.

He waited until I was ready to have sex.  Since then there’s no holding me back.

Since you haven’t had sex with your Fiance, you don’t know how you are going to feel about it. It will feel different with him.  You are not the same person from your past.  Check out a therapist, so on your wedding night it can be the most magical night and mind-blowing sex you will ever have!!

 

Post # 11
Member
865 posts
Busy bee

I sorta know how you feel. I hooked up with guys a lot in my past when my SO has only been with one other woman.  I’ve gotten past it for the most part though because it means a lot to me to please him and we do have sex even though we are not married. Occasionally I do catch myself wondering if he only wants me for sex though, being that so many guys in my past used me for that. I know that’s not the case, I know he loves me but I still have that thought occasionally anyway just from past guys. 

Post # 13
Member
348 posts
Helper bee

If you are looking in part to reconcile your spirituality and your sex life, I would keep looking for a sex-positive Christian counselor whose theology suits yours.  There are definitely people out there – maybe you could even do some phone-based counseling if you can’t find someone in your city?  It sounds like you could use some help forgiving yourself for (what you see as) the mistakes you made in the past.  Some more theologically liberal Christian churches might have good resources – do you have any Unitarians in your city?  I just want to encourage you that it is not impossible to reconcile your faith with a healthy sexual desire. 

Post # 14
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m not in your same situation, but it is hard to not bring your past history “into the bedroom”.  We were the opposite, where I was the virgin until my wedding night, and he was not.  Honestly, starting to have sex was a huge transition for both of us, and it definitely added some stress to the honeymoon.  Darling Husband was afraid to expect a lot of sex, since I was “new”, and I was left feeling undesirable…just know it’s a transition and talk through it as much as possible.

You might have to figure out as well what specific behaviors set off this trigger for you.  For example–different emotion–but I once had a guy pin me down by my wrists when I said ‘no’.  He did not rape me, but that has stayed with me to this day, so hubs knows he can’t touch my wrists in the bedroom.  Whatever is your ‘trigger’ could maybe be avoided.

Also, just another thought, if your other relationships progressed quickly, maybe the “other”/non-sex stuff you always saw as a way to lead to sex, rather than just enjoyable in and of itself.  I find this is the case where one person is an older virgin and the other lost their virginity relatively early.  So, I (as the virgin) would see each “baby step” as significant in our physical relationship, but not an invitation to sex, whereas some guys were like, what’s the difference between doing x & z?  Hope that made sense!

Post # 15
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I guess this is something kind of different, but along the same lines maybe… I’m not really sure.

I have never been premiscuous, and I was raised Christian, so for the better part of my life I thought I’d be a virgin when I got married. That wasn’t the case, as Darling Husband and I slept together before marrriage. I guess the weird thing for me is that I never felt like sex was wrong before marriage (i.e. I never felt guilty or anything like that), but I did expect that once we got married, I would feel like sex was finally allowed and okay. But I don’t feel that way. At all. I thought it would change and it hasn’t, and it makes me feel like something’s wrong with me.

Anyway, I’m sure that’s not helpful at all, but I hope you know that you’re not alone in this. I second some pp’s suggestion to talk with a counselor abuot this- I’m sure it could really help! Darling Husband and I actually had a “sex talk” with the pastor who married us, and it was eye-opening and overall a very good conversation.

Post # 16
Member
583 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

It sounds like you’ve swung from one extreme to the other and need to find a happy medium. From promisuous to feeling “dirty” about having sex or fooling around. Neither of those are good. Maybe it took telling yourself that sex was dirty to stop being so promiscuous, since you were committed to your beliefs and wanted to follow through on them. You just swung too far in that direction and need to move back toward the middle. You need to get to a place where you’re ok with expressing your love to your future husband in whatever way feels best to you both. Maybe when you’re married you’ll be able to tell yourself that it’s ok to do these things because it’s not a sin anymore.

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