- 8 years ago
- Wedding: July 2010
First of all, Fi and I don’t have sex- we’re waiting for the grand finale until after the wedding. I have had sex (lots of it) and Fi is a virgin, but it was a mutual decision not to have sex until we are married in July, which I loooove.
The thing about my past sex life is that it is pretty extensive. I absolutely went through a promiscuous period in my life, and it was very emotionally scarring.
I constantly find myself not aroused at all when I am with Fi (We do other “things”, occasionally). When I am not with Fi, I can’t stop thinking about the wedding night, with much excitement, and how much our sex life is going to change. I am now associating SEX, as in just intercourse, with love and marriage. But the rest of any sexual activity has yet to follow.
I think what stops me up when Fi and I are together is that I get extremely nervous because I feel like just fooling around, “hooking up”, is sleazy. This is absolutely due to my past, which is totally killing me. When I feel like Fi is kissing me differently, trying to put the moves on me, I usually always deny him. I get nervous and I freeze. And I do consciously think, “I reallly don’t want to do this right now”
After we do fool around, which is like I said very occasionally, I do NOT feel sleazy, dirty, or used. You would think that would be enough reinforcement for me to get out of this funk. But it doesn’t. I also HATE that “clean up and rearrange yourself” moment right afterwards. When I think about that happening, I feel so gross and sleazy.
Fi has told me several times how much this problem of mine upsets him; he thinks we won’t have much of a sex life ever. He also thinks I do not want him sexually at all, he thinks I’m not attracted to him sexually. And I really don’t blame him- God, he must feel awful. I really just have no idea how to shake this.
Is anyone else in this sort of position, or ever been in this position? When you got married and began having sex, did things change? Does anyone know how to get over my past so I can focus on my present and future, and stop associating sexual activity with being dirty, sleazy, promiscuous, etc? I’m really realllly worried about this.