(Closed) My SIL/MOH wants to have a baby NOW but my brother wants to wait till marriage?!

posted 10 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
18628 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Eep, what really freaks me out about this is how she won’t accept a ring anything less than $3,000.  Is it going to be the same with the wedding?  Also, he just stopping her birth control without telling him is incredibly horrible!  I think that you should tell your brother if she does it so that she doesn’t end up pregnant without him being aware.  I don’t have any other advice sadly.  Having a baby should be a decision and compromise between the two of them, not just her deciding on her own.

Post # 4
4566 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

… your brother needs to stop having sex with this girl NOW. Because it sounds like she WILL do it, and honestly, I think your Maid/Matron of Honor is completely and totally selfish. A child is not a toy, it’s not an item of manipulation and what she’s doing is completely wrong.

Post # 5
7776 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think you need to tell your brother what she said about her IUD. He needs to be warned about it from someone, because she seems like she will really do it.

Post # 6
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

How old is she?  Is there a chance that her age is playing into this?  If so it might actually be the wisest decision to start trying sooner rather than later, especially if she is 38 or older.  Of course, she should discuss the medical risks of waiting with your brother first as it should absolutely be a joint decision.  But if she is older and they definitely want children together there is a risk of that not being feasible if they wait too long.  Having to go thru IVF or other methods can be VERY expensive (unfortunately I know this first hand!)

Post # 7
191 posts
Blushing bee

I know you probably don’t want to go behind your MOH’s back, but you really need to warn your brother what she told you about stopping birth control. Having a child needs to be a mutual decision and I think that as long as your brother is not flat out telling her that he never wants to have kids, she needs to cool her jets until she gets a ring. Has anyone suggested to her that your brother buy a less expensive ring and then upgrade in a few years when he has had time to save up? I know a few couples who have done this because they did not want to prolong marriage.

Post # 8
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I completely agree with KMSull…sounds like a bad situation. Your brother needs to know about the stuff she’s been telling you.

Post # 9
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I second zippylef.  Your brother needs to know what is going on…especially if he really is considering marrying this woman.  She may be a good friend, but tricking someone into impregnating you and insisting on material posessions that are out of budget is just not a good way to start a life-long commitement.  Considering what she is willing to do now, I would not be surprised if you find your brother in a toxic relationship with her in a few years…bringing another child into the mix will not help. 

Post # 10
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I would just talk to my brother and tell him to watch out and inform him of the fact that she said she would talk her IUD out. Other than that I don’t think there is anything you can do. You can to let your brother and his girlfriend figure this one out.

Post # 11
1763 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would definately tell your brother about this. He has every right to know what she is up to.

I don’t know the details of their relationship, but trying to trick someone into getting you pregnant is CRAZY! And demanding that things are her way or the highway. Does she even care about what is important to your brother?

Post # 12
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

whoa…. do you watch the hills? Doesnt this remind you of heidi’s plan?

Well, I think you should definitely tell your brother immediately about all this craziness! Once he knows that she is plotting to trap – er have a baby with – him, its up to him to make sure he is taking the necessary steps to prevent the pregnancy.

Good luck!

Post # 13
2143 posts
Buzzing bee

Definitely tell your brother. That is seriously wrong of her. Maybe she’s a great, wonderful person, but if I were your brother, there is NO WAY I could be with someone like that. It’s just so wrong. That’s breaking trust, and breaking it in a big way. I want a baby now too and my husband isn’t ready yet, but there is just NO WAY I would ever do something like that. She can’t have her cake and eat it too in this case. Seriously, just wow…

Post # 14
1154 posts
Bumble bee

This is so silly on so many levels.  It is silly and crazy for her to plan to take out her IUD and not tell your brother but I suspect she isn’t to serious about it or she wouldn’t have told you.  I mean, she has every right to stop brith control but she should let your brother know so he can stop having sex – that might be a fast way to resolve the problem actually if he has to decide between and sex and a baby.  It’s silly that your brother though he wants to marry her and have kids with her is driving her crazy and possibly depriving her of a chance to have kids due to age because of what his parents think.  It’s crazy that she refuses to get married without a 3,000 ring.  Can you just loan your brother the damn 3k for the ring? 

It just seems an insane situation with so many potential sane solutions.

Post # 15
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

The last thing I’d do is loan him money for a ring. She sounds manipulative, selfish, and controlling, and it sounds like your brother should run! Stopping birthcontrol without telling your partner is just wrong. No matter what her age is, it’s wrong. And if she’s refusing to accept a ring that costs less than 3k, she’s really showing that she is selfish and spoiled. If she really wants marriage and a child to be her priority, then she shouldn’t be worried about the cost of the ring. Kids are expensive and it contradicts what she says her priorities are.

And while each couple should make up their own minds about when to have kids, before or after marriage, there is nothing wrong with feeling like you should wait until after you are married. There is a stigma attached, and if that is what your brother wants to do (wait) then she needs to respect that.

I highly advise you to tell your brother what she has told you. I know that she is your Maid/Matron of Honor and it might be incredibly difficult, but he is your brother for life, and he needs to know what he is getting into.

I too, am baby crazy, as is my Fiance, and while we would manage (and be very excited) if we accidentally got pregnant before our wedding in May, we are not trying. I can understand the desire not to want to wait because of age, but it is NOT NORMAL or healthy for someone to threaten to stop using birth control without telling her partner. They haven’t even gotten engaged yet, and already she is acting like this. Unless your brother is a doormat, which it doesn’t sound like he is, he’s not going to be happy if she traps him with a child he doesn’t want right now.

You need to tell him so that he knows what is going on and they can figure this out, before she get pregnant.

Post # 16
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Wow, I agree with the other bees.  You need to tell your brother.  Maybe you’re concerned that she will be angry with you and drop out of your wedding.  If that is what happens, (IMO), fine.  Easier said than done.  But from the sounds of it, you don’t really want to be hanging around someone who will do something like that to your brother.  Not only, the IUd, but the ring?  She’s sounding pretty selfish.  That would be a tough life for your brother.  and I think in the long run, you might feel guilty if you don’t say anything.  Besides, is it possible that your brother actually does want to wait until marriage to have a baby?  Just because she had a child previously, doesn’t mean he’s required to hurry up and have another one, before he can afford to buy her a ring she insists is of a certain value. Frown

Good luck.  I know you feel like you’re in a difficult situation.  You’ll do the right thing.

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